Tuesday, May 7, 2013

First Kiss #13

TITLE: Knowing Biba
GENRE: YA Contemporary

(Jonno has removed feisty newbie Biba from a fight at school. Returning home, he finds her in his house, in his room, on his bed, reading his porn. She thinks she knows him from before starting school, but she can’t place him.)

She looked at me intently, like she was trying to work out what I was thinking. Perhaps I was interesting again. That little crease appeared between her eyebrows and it held my attention while I apparently held hers. I didn’t dare move, scared to distract her, loving the feeling of her watching me. I knew my breathing was going all over the shop, but even sorting that felt like too huge a movement.

Because then she was leaning towards me, actually moving onto all fours to reach me on the edge.

And then she kissed me.

And I fell off the bed.

Honestly. She had kissed me. Lightly, not a full-on snog, but definitely her lips on my lips, which I believe, if you look it up on Wiki or something, is the bona fide definition of a kiss. And there was only me and her in the house, so I hadn’t got it wrong. She. Kissed. Me.

From the floor, I looked up to see her, hand over her mouth, laughing. For a second, she looked positively girly rather than the usual steely, tough as nails.

“Wha... what was that for?” I was aware that my eyes were wide, my head was red. At best I must have looked like a rabbit in the head lights, at worst an assaulted nun.

“You have been kissed before haven’t you, Jonno?” I couldn’t work out if she was taking the mick, or serious. If she was serious, then she actually looked like she was worried she’d defiled me.

“Course! Loads,” I grunted as gruffly as I could, scrambling back up onto the bed. What is the complete opposite of smooth? Oh yeah, that would be me...


  1. This is fantastic. In just this little snippet, I feel like I know both of the characters and care about them. Sorry; I can't really see much to critique.

  2. Just curious about the intro 'reading his porn'. What porn? Most porn on the computer now...

  3. Cute, cute, cute! Love the scene - the idea reading his porn. The voice is perfect. I'm going to nick-pick, only to give you something that stood out. "And there was only me and her in the house, so I hadn't got it wrong." What did he not get wrong? Not sure I follow that statement. "She. Kissed. Me." Is that what you mean? Because it wouldn't matter if someone was in the house or not in the house, right? Another place - "my head was red." How could he see that his head was red? Wrong POV. Love the humor! Really nice. I would so read more :)

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  5. Love the image of this poor guy falling off the bed-- totally unsmooth--and his completely male thing at the end of assuring the girl of his past experience. Cute scene. I will say, though, it doesn't read male to me. It could be tweaked to feel more male, but many of the extra words need paring off and some of the delivery needs to be changed to accomplish it.

    A site you might want to play with (*not* as gospel on "male-ifying" your piece, but as a way to get your mind clicking about it) is


    Good luck!

  6. Cute scene. I love how uncertain he is. I especially love his comment about looking like a rabbit in headlights or an assaulted nun!

  7. I like this. I liked the narrator's voice and the way he described the kiss and mostly his reaction.

  8. You've got some seriously amazing lines written in there. I can tell from this scene, with it's funny, clumsy, awkward kiss, and hilarious MC, that this is a story I would love to get my hands on. I love it! Good luck with it!

  9. This s fantastic! From this short scene I immediately identify with and feel empathy for the narrator. He's funny and adorable at the same time!

  10. So so cute! I wish I could read more. :)

  11. Great last line. He is bumbling,cute,probably a bit tough.In short,perfect.

  12. There were some phrases I didn't immediately get. taking the mick, for one. I still don't know what that is, and I'm fairly widely read. Are you from the US? I wonder if that's the problem I'm having.

    Otherwise, good job!

  13. I’m thinking you’re from the UK, with expressions like “going all over the shop”, “snog”, “sorting”, “taking the mick.” Love the personality of the MC that you show via his thoughts. I especially like the line (but would delete the “it”): “That little crease appeared between her eyebrows and held my attention…” Just a few suggestions, which you’re free to ignore, of course.

    “She. Kissed. Me.” might be more effective if it were in its own paragraph. Or even three separate paragraphs.

    I’d add a little more to this line to establish where he is (and to take out an “ing” word): Because then she LEANED towards me, actually moving ON all fours to WHERE I SAT on the edge OF THE BED. Same with: “I looked up to see her SITTING BACK ON HER HEELS. (Or something.)

    I wanted something else after “the usual steely, tough as nails.” Tough as nails what? Good place to add another bit of characterization.

    I’d put a tag on “You have been kissed before haven’t you, Jonno?” Another good place to put a character-describing action.

    The next line should start a new paragraph, since we’re back to the MC. The last two lines nail his insecurity! Fun scene!!

  14. I like the brevity of the kiss, with the emphasis on the build up and reaction. Nicely done. I also was wondering about the porn. Also, are they on his bed in his house or in a 'shop?' That word threw me off. Nice voice.