Tuesday, May 7, 2013

First Kiss #14

TITLE: Forbidden Kiss
GENRE: NA Psychological suspense

Olivia and Peter’s kiss is of the forbidden fruit variety. They’ve spent years fighting their feeling but tonight they succumb to a moment of weakness.


My fingertips gently touched his eye where there would be a bruise tomorrow. “Thank you for loving me so much, my darling Peter.”

“I do love you, princess.” How different his declaration sounded this time than a million other times before.

“I know that.”

Unable to bear the shame and torture in his eyes, I started to bury my head against his chest but he caught my chin in his fingers, forcing me to face him. He kissed my cheek first. Then, with his gaze an unspoken dare, he lowered his head to kiss the tender flesh at my jaw, by my ear. When I didn’t protest, he plied a slow trail further down my throat. To my shame, instead of stopping him, I tilted my head so his lips could reach me better. When I tried to breathe it came out as a choked, strangling sound, and he lifted his head to stare down at me in agony.

Our eyes caught in the moonlight. “When I say I love you, it’s not the way I should.”

Barely able to breathe, the best I could manage was a whispered, “Me neither.”

Then his lips were on mine, and so quickly too, as if he were afraid to hesitate lest we lose our nerve. This was not the innocent peck we had teased each other with for years. This was a deep, discovering, greedy kiss that had been years in the making, plaguing us both each time we were near each other. This kiss was hungry, fiery, with searching tongues and breathy moans, consuming me to the very core of my soul and back again with an intense heat that scorched through my entire body like a bolt of lightning.


  1. Intense scene! Loved the heat and chemistry! Descriptions didn't feel overdone or cliche. Would love to keep reading!

  2. Nice scene! With a kiss this steamy, I am interested to know more about their forbidden relationship.

  3. This was great! I liked that you did a bit of "foreplay" before the actual kiss.
    Excellent description!

  4. The language made this feel like a historical setting. I like the descriptions and the kiss felt intense and forbidden. I do want to know why.

    The last paragraph felt a bit telling, more like an out-of-body experience. I think a few tweaks in the wording would fix that.

  5. The best, the hottest kiss! Great detail and perfect voice, tone. Can't wait to read more!

  6. Love this! The only thing that thew me out, and it's ALL because it's mid-story and I don't know her voice at all, was her saying 'darling Peter' - it just sounded so 'old' to me, and not the age you say she is at the start. Everything else was faboo!

  7. Wow! Lovely stuff. Great chemistry between the two characters and that's so hard. Great job!

    It's very romantic and passionate at the same time.

    Another commenter mentioned the last paragraph being a little telly and I think that too, but it's not really a deal breaker for me. I love the writing.

    Great job!

  8. Aww I love this scene. I like how he calls her princess, and it's not in a hoity-toity way, but because he truly thinks that she's a princess. Adorable. You're imagery is great. When you say that he kisses her on the tender flesh by her jaw I could totally picture it. I've never seen another writer use that description before, so it was nice and impactful. My computer says impactful is actually not a word, but it works here.:) I'd love to get to know Peter and Olivia some more as they seem truly in love. Great job!

  9. I agree—steamy!! I don’t know what came just before, but it’s not clear what makes them succumb this time after years of fighting it.

    You could delete “…than a million other times before” and use “a million times” in this sentence: “This was not the innocent peck we had teased each other with a million times.” That way you eliminate “years”, which you use in the next sentence.

    The last paragraph borders on purple, but I’m not sure what change to recommend. Maybe tighten: “A hungry kiss, with searching tongues and breathy moans, which set me on fire, scorching a path through my body like a bolt of lightning.” (Just a suggestion, and not sure it’s any less purple.)

    A few nits: You could delete “that” and have her just say, “I know.” You could delete “both” in “plaguing us both each time…”

    And a confusion: When he stares in agony, it’s phrased so that it sounds like he’s afraid he choked her, but I don’t think that’s what you meant. Maybe something like: “When he lifted his head and stared at me, his eyes reflected the same agony I was feeling.”

  10. I agree with the comments above that this really sweeps you away. Fun stuff! But I think it could be even more powerful if you toned down some of the language--it does border on melodramatic in places--"my darling Peter" and "How different his declaration sounded" both sound a bit arch but I don't know what time period we are in so maybe that is OK. I would cut "shame, torture and agony" and find a more subtle way to show those emotions. The actual kissing is so nice and physical, I didn't want to be told he was in agony. Otherwise, it's really quite steamy!