Tuesday, May 7, 2013

First Kiss #2

TITLE: Dear Katherine
GENRE: Speculative Fiction

Katherine (narrator), Derek and Rick are sharing a house on a beach colony. The tattoo on her back has drawn Derek to her. Katherine thinks he and Rick are a couple.

We watched the sky change color when the sun set and by the time we returned to the house, the streets were lit by moonlight.

I headed straight for the stairs.

“Rick, do you mind taking care of the basket?” Derek asked. “I need a shower. I’m beyond itchy.”

“Not at all. I’ll be upstairs in a few minutes.”

I was almost at the top of the stairs and Derek took the steps two at a time to reach me. I was about to say something, but he held his forefinger to his lips. I raised my eyebrows but didn’t speak. Derek took my hand and pulled me towards the darkened hallway.

“The tattoo is supposed to glow,” he whispered in my ear.

He was beyond close and I wanted to kiss him. I was certain neither was appropriate--let alone what else was going through my mind--but propriety jumped out the window beside me. My hands reached up and untied the knot. The sarong fell to the floor.

I turned my back to him and stepped away. “Does it?”

I heard him inhale deep and loud. “It does.”


Derek stepped closer and I could feel his hand even before I felt his touch. My heart rate accelerated. I couldn’t breathe.

“Here.” His finger traced one of the coils and I felt a shiver spread from the spot his skin met mine. I bit my lower lip to suppress a moan.

Before I could doubt my sanity, I spun around and pressed my lips to his. My arms wrapped around his neck as fast as his enveloped my waist.

“I thought you said you needed a shower dear Derek.” Rick’s voice was ice-cold and it should have chilled me to the bone.


  1. Uh-oh!

    You've left me wondering and wanting more with that scene.

    My favorite part: I could feel his hand even before I felt his touch.

    I'd just like a tad more about the kiss itself.. how did it feel?

  2. Very nice! Lots of tension in this one. The short paragraphs did a great job of slowing time at the right moment. The physical interaction was very sensual.

    The interaction between Derek and Rick was great, too. Even with just a couple lines of dialogue, you get the sense that they could be a couple.

    Loved it!

  3. I was very intrigued by the tattoo and sad that I couldn't keep reading to find out the reasons why it should glow. I also loved how the scene ended with the tension of Rick catching them. It was the perfect cliff hanger.

    My only critique would be the paragraph where Derek takes the stairs to meet her. It sounds like a grocery list of actions instead of a flowing description of actions and feelings. You might add a few sentences of how she feels knowing that Derek is coming up close behind her on the stairs, so that when he puts the finger to his lips to quiet her, we know what she might have said if she hadn't been silenced. Was she going to ask what he was doing? Was she going to feign exhaustion and try to slip away? It would break up all the action in that paragraph and let the reader know what she is thinking and anticipating.

    I would definitely read more of this!

  4. This is great. All I can suggest is a little tightening here and there.

    For instance, after "I raised my eyebrows" the "but didn't speak" isn't exactly necessary. If she did speak, we'd see what she said in quotations. And without it, we get to the good part faster (him whisking her into the dark.)

    I'd consider re-thinking the "beyond" in "beyond close" b/c you already used such language in "beyond itchy". It's like, what else is going to be "beyond" something?

    I love the visual of propriety literally leaping from a nearby window.

    This is purely a personal preference, but I tend to roll my eyes at too commonly used words like "moan" in a romantic scene.

    Good stuff, though.

  5. I really liked the high stakes of the scene--the tension here is palpable.

    I got a little confused mid-scene. Was there a specific reason why Katherine decided to let propriety go just then (presumably she's acted appropriately up to this point)?

    Also, I was just a little confused by the sarong. I assume it's Katherine's, because she's showing the tattoo, but that wasn't initially clear to me (even something as small as "my sarong" instead of "the sarong" would help).

    Overall, though, I really enjoyed the scene. Nicely done!

  6. I love this scene. Great tension.

    A few nitpicky things - you've used the word "beyond" in the same way too close together for my taste.

    There's a bit of staging confusion for me on the stairs. If Katherine is going up the stairs, presumably she's can't see how Derek is taking the stairs so I'm not sure how she knows he takes them two at a time. And then he's in front of her all of a sudden. I know each and every action of the characters doesn't need to be described, but in this situation I think we need a little more.

    I also love the "propriety jumping out the window" line. Wonderful.

    I would like to see some more of the kiss before Rick interrupts...might make the interruption more jarring.

    Excellent job!

  7. Yes, I agree, Heather--more of the kiss and her feelings before the interruption.

    Also noticed the two "beyonds" and two instances of "stepped." Maybe another word for one of them?

    I agree with Rosalyn about "MY sarong" instead of "THE sarong."

    You've got some great tension going here. Apparently Rick thinks he and Derek are a couple, too!

  8. I thought this flowed well and I think you did a great job with the kiss scene. My only question is why Katherine would kiss him if she thinks he's gay? I'd love to keep reading.