Tuesday, May 7, 2013

First Kiss #3

GENRE: Women's Fiction

Em is married, middle-aged. Andres, a younger seasonal worker hired for the summer. Though they have fallen in love, they have never expressed their desires.

Andres and I had stood close to each other in the cold dampness of my garage that fateful Sunday morning. Both of us looked deep into the other’s eyes, both knowing this would be the last time we might ever see each other. I wasn’t sure what he wanted to happen. My thoughts went fuzzy. My heart beat fast. And then he put his arms around me and I pressed into his broad firm chest. As his arms drew me in, reality slipped away.

A wave of passion enveloped me and I languished that feeling for only a few seconds before pulling away and looking into his eyes. They were saying something to me. What?

He then brought his face to mine.

Next his lips.

A season of wanting this man so much my soul ached, and now I was not only in Andres’ arms, but kissing him.

Lord, I am not sorry.

I am not ashamed.

At least not yet.

Perhaps I will be.

But not at this moment.

I am in love with Andres.

I'll deal with the guilt tomorrow.


  1. This was interesting.

    I like how you showed her guilt and surrender, but I'd like more about the kiss itself... how did his lips feel? how smooth did it flow? was is just a peck or a full on kiss?

    You only hinted at the kiss but I'd like to see it. (Maybe I'm wrong and you have that after you last posted line, but that's what I expected to read when commenting on kisses.)

  2. Very good view on her emotions, but I would like to see a bit more of what the kiss feels like.

  3. This is really nice! You write with economy and that isn't always easy to do. My only suggestion would be to keep that up. As you are polishing, since you already have a knack for it, continue to select the strongest, purest language, and cut everything else.

    In this particular scene, "Lord, I am not sorry" is so poignant. Its the crux of everything. Don't muddle that.

    What if it went: Lord, I am not sorry.

    ...At least not yet.

    I'll deal with the guilt tomorrow.

    By cutting the rest, I think it makes these points even stronger.

  4. By and large, I agree with the other commenters, and:

    "A wave of passion enveloped me and I languished that feeling..."

    Did she languish? Did she grow listless and lose vitality on account of a wave of passion?

    Or did she revel in, relish, or savour it?

    If there was languishing, then she languished in the wave of passion, but as a reader, I feel more like she would have revelled in it, relished it, or savoured it.

  5. I liked the spareness of the second half more than the beginning. I get a great sense of what she's feeling emotionally with those last several sentences (although I do feel a few are repetitive. "Perhaps I will be. But not at this moment." They really just restate what she's just expressed.

    I think you can do more to express the physical side of things. "A wave of passion" doesn't say much. Her heart beats faster, but what else? Does she sweat? Go cold? I find writing these scenes very, very difficult, so I don't know that I can offer much advice.

    But good job overall!

  6. I'd also like to know more about the actual kiss--sensual details, etc. But I did get her passion for Andres.
    Good job!

  7. I really enjoyed this. There's sense of dreaminess to it that is intriguing to me. It's passionate but understatedly so, and I find tht an interesting choice for this being a forbidden type of love sort of situation.

    There are a couple word choices I stumbled over. "...both knowing this would be the last time we might ever see each other" sounds odd to me. Last time and might pair well in this context to me. And I agree with the "languished" probably not being the best word for the wave of passion sentence.

    I love the single sentence paragraphs, although I think you could cut a few of them out.

    Great job.

  8. You’ve set up the tension well with her interior thoughts! Some copy-editing suggestions:

    Could delete the “had” in the first sentence. I’d change “Both” to “Each” at the beginning of the second sentence, and cut out the second “both.”

    You have him doing something with his arms twice in two sentences. I’d change one of them to another action.

    “A wave of passion” is a little too purple to me, as is “languished (in?) that feeling”. Agree with LurkingAtYou.

    You have them looking into each others’ eyes, and then later she looks into his eyes. Another action? Studied his face?

    I want to know what his eyes are saying, too. At least what SHE thinks his eyes might be saying.

    I’d say "...brought his face toward mine” instead of “to mine.” Next his lips what? Grazed mine? Touched mine? Pressed against mine? Describe that kiss! Soft? Tender? Deep? Hungry?

    Her thoughts at the end show her conflicted emotions well, but is she thinking all of them while she’s kissing Andres? Maybe she could think them just before or just after the kiss. Consider the cuts nianors-inn suggested.