Tuesday, May 7, 2013

First Kiss #5

TITLE: Thou Shall Not Kill
GENRE: Women's Crime Fiction

Wentworth is an undercover cop who believes Lily is a hitman in over her head. Lily believes Wentworth is a freakishly tall potential client.

He led her down the aisle toward the rear door. Once he had it opened he put his arm around her shoulders and they discreetly made their exit together.

They walked for some time. Lily knew the devil could look as inviting as an angel, but for the time being, she didn’t care. She wanted to trust the voice inside her, the one that said Wentworth genuinely cared. Her own arm was slung around the tall man’s waist.

“So, what are you doing on this side of town, if you don’t mind me asking?” Wentworth asked.

“I was just buying something for lunch. I work here.” And right after she said it, she pulled away from Wentworth, terrified, hands clasped over her big mouth. He’d disarmed her too much. She’d been too honest.

“What?” he asked, “What’s the matter?”

“What do you mean, what’s the matter? We can’t be doing this!” she said. “I’m the professional and you’re the, you know, client’s representative! You’re not supposed to know my real name or that I have a life outside of—outside of—my profession! You can’t bump into me around town and see me when I’m scared and dash to my rescue like some freakishly tall knight in armor!”

“Hey! Easy! Being freakishly tall isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Ever think I might be sensitive about it?”

“You’re not allowed to be sensitive!” Lily growled.

“What else aren’t I allowed to do, just so I’m clear,” Wentworth answered.


“Am I allowed to kiss you, for instance?”

“To do…what?”

But Wentworth did kiss her. And Lily kissed him back. It didn’t seem to bother Wentworth that Lily was a foot shorter. And when bending did get to him, he just lifted her off her feet.


  1. There were some good moments in this. I liked the line about how the devil could look as inviting as an angel, and "being freakishly tall isn't all it's cracked up to be." Lily and Wentworth seem to have a good rapport.

    In the kiss itself, though, I thought the author veered into Wentworth's POV. Would Lily really be thinking about whether he's bothered by her height? And how would she know that bending got to him? I'd like to see more of what's going on in her head at that moment.

  2. The dialogue is very nice, friendly, and upbeat; I can see these two getting along, easily, and building a relationship. But it kinda slips away during the actual kiss; I'm not sure if it's omniscient viewpoint there or what, but it's definitely not the same view as it was at the start.

  3. I liked this. The banter was fresh, and witty. I'd like to get to know these characters better for sure. I did want a little more from the kiss at the end, but I know it is hard with such a short snippet.

  4. I did like the banter between the two characters, but then the kiss seemed to fall flat. perhaps you go into more detail later...and seeing where you left off I'm just assuming you did, but instead of saying he kissed her, show it a bit more. I think that would flow a bit better.

    Otherwise, this snippet of your story had me thoroughly engaged.:)

  5. I like the set-up here, and the stakes (the off-limits relationship . . .)

    Lily's tirade in the middle jarred me just a little--it seemed like a sudden shift of tone from the lighter/warmer relationship established at the beginning. I'm guessing that the context for this gets set up in the rest of the novel, but in this short scene, she seemed disproportionately upset (to me).

    I did like the banter between the two characters quite a lot.

    Like other readers, I also wanted a little more from the kiss. We get such great insight into Lily's head earlier (love the line "the devil could look as inviting as an angel"), but we don't get anything like that here, at such a pivotal moment.

  6. To me the kiss could have used a bit more build-up/description. It kind of threw me, as did her tirade. Otherwise I liked the banter. Good luck!

  7. I liked that you used mostly dialogue to tell the story. And I’d love to know what Lily actually is if she’s NOT a hitman in over her head.

    I have only a couple suggestions. You could delete: “He’d disarmed her too much. She’d been too honest” because “...hands clasped over her big mouth” says that already. And I’d break up her long bit of dialogue with an action tag between “my profession” and “You can’t bump...”

    I agree with Rebecca M. about Wentworth’s POV and the bending. Other than that, I hope you describe the kiss and her emotions right after the point where you stopped. The banter leading up to the kiss led into “But Wentworth did kiss her. And Lily kissed him back.” perfectly.

  8. I felt the drama was in the wrong place in this scene. Lily is a bit over-dramatic when she responds to her own "I work here." I don't know that I've ever seen someone clasp their hands over their mouth after a verbal screw-up. Usually it's a moment where they go tense and their eyes open a bit wider, and they try to cover it up. But she goes off like fireworks right after, and it's not even that big of a gaffe (it seems to me.)

    The kiss, though, is a bit under-written. I didn't mind that (I prefer under-writing to over-writing) but in comparison to her emotions about her verbal slip, her emotions for the kiss feel flat.