Tuesday, May 7, 2013

First Kiss #6

TITLE: Dragon's Prize
GENRE: NA Fantasy

Charlie and Bast are lying on the bed, side by side, feet dangling down and discussing Charlie’s past.

"No…. I can’t, Bast. Not with you. I’ve never been more ashamed of my past.” A tear rolled out of the corner of Charlie’s eye, and down into her fiery red hair.

Her eyes popped open when she felt Bast’s lips softly touch her own. It was a sweet, tender kiss.

“I don’t care,” Bast mumbled when she pulled back slightly. She kissed Charlie’s forehead, her nose, both of her cheeks, her eyelids…

Charlie giggled and grinned happily at Bast hovering above her. She wiped away the evidence of the traitorous tear.

“Better?” Bast asked, a soft smile tilting the corners of her lips up.

“Very much. Could you repeat it so that I know for sure it actually happened?” Charlie fluttered her lashes at her warrior Goddess, making Bast’s face blush. “I mean, I—“

Bast fused their mouths again in a more passionate yet slow and tentative kiss. Charlie’s lips felt smooth and soft, the taste of apple still lingering on them. Bast wondered why she had been fighting the chemistry between them. The flutters in her belly and quickened heartbeat made her acknowledge the depths of her feelings for Charlie.

The young redhead had managed to break down all the barriers around Bast’s heart with simple smiles and by making her laugh. Bast learned from her not to take life so seriously, that there was time for worry and responsibility, but also, there was a time to relax and enjoy life. A balance was needed, and her balance was Charlie.

A moan of approval slipped from Charlie and Bast smiled against the redhead's lips.

“Did that convince you?” Bast asked, again hovering above Charlie.

Charlie still had her eyes closed, with a wide grin showing of her pearly whites. “Mmmhmmm… I wouldn’t mind repeats of it.”


  1. I thought this was a great scene! Descriptions weren't overdone or cliche. I felt a real connection between these two characters.

  2. I wonder if you could add in a few little details to the scene to add to the chemistry that you have between them - I assume that the build has been happening throughout the previous chapters, but I wonder if slight subtle touches might add some deeper warmth to it? I liked 'the taste of apple' on her lips. Should there be a sense of how close Bast is to Charlie at the start of this scene, just before the kiss happens? It almost comes from nowhere, so having Charlie sense Bast come closer just before the kiss might add to the build-up, perhaps including a sense of warmth and scent?

  3. C.M.Rosens,

    As it's said for commenting, bear in mind that the excerpt is taken out of the scene. There is actually quite a bit of what you suggested already there. Even the part how close they actually are, it's hard to find the cut for the 300 word limit.

  4. Brilliantly written. I could invision the pair clearly on the bed, enjoying their first kiss together. It seemed as if Charlie was almost surprised that it did happen. Almost as if she's been wanting it for some time.
    Also, I applaud that it's two women. The usual suspects are different genders. I appreciate the shift. Well done.

  5. I keep trying to think of something critical to say, but I just really like this. And yay for girl-girl kisses!

  6. The chemistry between Charlie and Bast was strong. Even in this short excerpt, I got a sense of what this relationship means to each of them -- recovery from a troubled past for Charlie, relief from worry for Bast. (I particularly liked the line "A balance was needed, and her balance was Charlie.")

    But... I found the sudden mid-scene shift from Charlie's POV to Bast's disconcerting. A section break there might help.

    There were a couple instances of "telling" in this excerpt. "Charlie giggled and grinned happily" -- giggling and grinning show she's happy, so you don't need the adverb.

    "The flutters in her belly and quickened heartbeat made her acknowledge the depths of her feelings for Charlie." -- For me, the flutters and rapid heartbeat alone would be enough to show that Bast has strong feelings for her, plus, the following paragraph explains in greater depth what those feelings are.

    All in all, though, good job.

  7. I'm not sure whose point of view this is supposed to be in. It starts from Charlie's, but then Charlie's lips (during the kiss) are described from someone else's (Bast's maybe?). Aside from some pronoun confusion since I think both characters are women, the writing felt pretty smooth.

  8. This is a really tender sweet scene, which I enjoyed.

    I think that the paragraph that starts "The young redhead" takes us away from the moment, at exactly a point where we should be left in it. Can It be moved elsewhere, or perhaps be changed so it is showing not telling?

  9. I really enjoy this entire scene, even if it is just a snippet. You can feel the sweet, endearing moment, and the end is such a win for me. I found myself grinning right with the character. And I do agree with the comment above. I am not sure I am a fan of the paragraph beginning with "The young redhead..." for reason it didn't sit well with me, but it's so minimal. Overall I found this flawless. great job :)

  10. I don't have much to add to what's already been said. Very well done. I actually thought the POV shift was handled well - and I'm usually a stickler for 1 POV.

  11. Thank you all for the amazing feedback! Couldn't have asked for more; positive, encouraging and construcive.