Genre: YA Fantasy
Title: ASHA'S MASK
When I was born, a tiger tried to devour me. It would have been nosurprise if I had been offered on the stone claws of the alters toYasalara. But I was tucked away in the nursery of the women's sector,the doors watched by my father's royal guardsmen, and no windows inthe room. I recall very little—the impression of hot breath and alullaby whispered from the tiger's maw. Soft, crooning, peaceful.
It bit off my right foot before the guards heard my nursemaid'sscreams. There was never any pain—or perhaps I don't remember.
The tiger was snow-touched; a glorious white pelt painted with ebonystripes. After it has licked my face with a bloody tongue, it laydown and made no attempt to fight as the soldiers slaughtered it.
The story was scribed at my father's request, gleaned from the wordsof the maid and the guards before all were beheaded.
The tiger's pelt lines my bed and I continue to wonder why it onlytook my foot and not the face that curses me so.#
"What in the six underworlds possessed you?" Breath clicked in mythroat and my stomach fluttered. I hated the sick sensations fearbrought and the fury did little to smother them. "You are little goodto me dead."
Nechai spread his hands. He sat cross-legged on the floor, his expression infuriatingly unrepentant. "You would rather I not to myduty?"
"It doesn't include accusing my mother of trying to kill me, you fool."
Er, it should be "Yasha's Mask." I think the Y got snipped off somewhere by accident. :P
ReplyDelete~Merc
Aargh, I'm torn. I say yes up to the pound sign, then no after that. The situation with the narrator as a baby is dark and disturbing and truly engaging. But when people start talking, the dialogue puts me off. It's stilted and what's said is confusing. I can't tell where it's going or what it's about. I think the starting paragraphs are so strong that I expected the rest to be as much so. But you've still got a great start!
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked right up until here:
ReplyDelete"What in the six underworlds possessed you?" Breath clicked in mythroat and my stomach fluttered. I hated the sick sensations fearbrought and the fury did little to smother them. "You are little goodto me dead."
because it has nothing to do with the preceeding story account. I think you need a transition paragraph to show the speaking pulling away from this past reflection and return to the present and this person who is with her (presumably in her room). Fix that and it's perfect.
Yes. But I'm stopped by the dialogue. For some reason I had the impression the MC was male.
ReplyDeleteYes. But I'm stopped by the dialogue. For some reason I had the impression the MC was male.
ReplyDeleteThank you, everyone! :D Excellent feedback and critisim, and I very much appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteKaren--thank you, and excellent point about the DL. I'll work with it; still haven't settled on a good opening scene after the mini prologue thingy, so I appreciate the feedback in that regard. :)
Angela--sorry, the pound sign to indicate a scene break got smunched up with the previous sentence. But thanks!
LMT--thank you. Male MC--heh, that amuses me. 90% of my characters are male. I prefer them... am more used to them... perhaps that's showing? ;)
~Merc
I'll say yes and no. Yes to the beginning, which is dark and kind of creepy (the verb tense change caught me up--'After it has licked my face with a bloody tongue).
ReplyDeleteBut I got a little confused when the dialogue started. Is the mc talking or Nechai? Is it happening in the past or the present? Someone mentioned a transition; I also think that would help.
I was hooked. Despite the rocky ending, I'd keep reading to see what's happening.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Anon!
ReplyDelete~Merc
Yes!
ReplyDeleteYou know I'm going to pester you for this now cos of your FMC :)
Yuna
This one is a no for me. I didn't like the exposition, the dialogue felt stilted, and it felt like it was trying too hard. Not my cup of tea, I'm afraid.
ReplyDeleteOK, the tiger-eating-the-foot thing has totally hooked me. (Call me macabre...)
ReplyDeleteBut I, too, felt a little confused when the dialogue started. It suddenly encroached upon the dimly lit narrative of the tiger's attack (and subsequent beheadings).
I wonder if using italics for the first bit would set it apart? Or a different sort of transition, maybe, to the present.
At any rate, I REALLY want to know why the foot got snarfed! LOL