Genre: Urban Fantasy
Title: TIME IS HELL
Heckler threw a left hook into the punching bag, all hisnot-so-repressed anger behind it. He'd never had issues withsuppressed emotions. A couple of loaded Glocks and extra ammo werethe perfect therapy—especially if he had live targets. "I told younot to sneak up on me like that."
"Yes, you did," Baal said. The Hell lord lounged on the second handleather couch shoved up against the basement wall. "I chose to ignoreyour wishes."
Heckler hit the bag again, let it twist in a lazy circle, thenroundhouse kicked it with a cleated boot. Holes popped open in thevinyl. He dodged the crazed back swing and scowled. "Don't you haveto have a f***ing invitation to get in here?"
A hair thin smirk smudged Baal's face. "Not to your residence."
Heckler kept Baal in his peripheral vision and beat the crap out ofthe punching bag. "So what the hell do you want?"
"A favor," Baal said.
"I don't do favors."
"Fine." Baal tapped his fingers on the armrest. "Then I'll collectyour debts instead."
Crap. Heckler dodged the swinging bag too slow and it smacked him inthe side. He gritted his teeth and swung around to face the Helllord. This wasn't improving his day.
Baal sat with an arm draped over the back of the couch, a Bluetoothwireless earpiece visible under his slicked back gray hair.
Ugh. The words got smooshed together for some reason--sorry, there all properly spaced out in the original MS. ;)
ReplyDelete~Merc
Baal wants a favor from this guy--a total hook. However, I found I noticed 2 things--first, you show us your MC hitting the punching bag to release repressed anger. Then you give a analogy that all he needs is a few glocks and targets to get rid of his repressed anger. It's like telling what you're showing, and the two images are completely different.
ReplyDeleteSomething similar with the 'sneaking up on me' angle. Baal lounging on a couch disrupts the image of sneaking up on the MC. Make sense?
Angela brings up some good points, but the overall voice here would lure me in. For example, the hair thin smirk, a demon using a bluetooth, shows me the author has a good sense of fun. I will admit if the next few pages contain cliched devil-hell references unless they are twisted to be cool, I'd most likely set it aside. So yes, I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing.
Oh, you know I love this story, so I'm a bit biased cause I know what follows. Regardless, the little bit of tell that Angela points out, I love the voice. Very Merc.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm hooked. Very active scene--I could picture it in my head. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea of Baal being a normal-looking guy with a bluetooth, ala Constantine. I'm also curious about the idea that Baal needs a favor from a human. Good active details with Heckler's actions and the responses of the punching bag
ReplyDeleteI will say that you've got some overstatement in the first para that can be cut. The first para is really important (to me) when surfing at the library or bookstore, so I'd suggest trimming that up.
Overall, yes.
I have to admit I'm not hooked, but I think it's just the aspect of violence (which isn't necessarily overly done, it's just not my thing).
ReplyDeletePerfectly understandable, Anon. :) Thanks for your comments!
ReplyDelete~Merc
Yes...but no. I like the concept, but I'm not sold on the execution. Too many conflictions, as pointed out in earlier posts.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I think it's just a personal preference thing with the level of violence, rough stuff. Not a judgment on the writing.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I was hooked.
ReplyDeleteI love fantasy, and this dark urban-fantasy is right up my street.
I read "War of the Flowers" by Tad Williams last year, and that used a similar blend of modern life and fantasy hidden world.
But the best thing about this was the unique "voice" of the narration. I love distinctive voices.
Best wishes,
Hopelessly Optimistic
Thank you for the comments, HO, I'm glad it hooked you! :D (Especially happy that the voice came through for you. That is what I've been trying to keep consistent is Heckler's voice...)
ReplyDeleteLove your screen name, btw. ;)
~Merc
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ReplyDelete