Imagine you were born with eleven fingers instead of ten. Your mother and your grandmother both have eleven fingers, and your father, if you could remember him, also had eleven fingers. You would think having eleven fingers was perfectly natural, perfectly normal. Even if you read books and heard that most people had ten fingers, your eleven fingers wouldn’t bother you because you live on an island away from everyone who has ten fingers. You have a big, salt-colored house on an island off the coast of Maine where you could see not one, but two lighthouses, and one other island where only wrens and brambles live.
There are less than one hundred people living on the island year round, and no one ever thinks about you having eleven fingers. It would all be fine.
And it was. For a very long time.
Until the night Aunt Nordia arrived to collect her inheritance.
Except no one had died.
Most people would imagine an inheritance to be money or jewelry or land. In my family, an inheritance means a promise that you collect while you are still living. Only an inheritance is not anything you can touch in my family. Aunt Nordia’ s inheritance was not a thing: it was time.
My time.
She came on the eve of my twelfth birthday just after dusk. I opened the door, and before she said her name, she said, “You are to leave Spoon Island and come with me, but you must be returned on the eve of your…following birthday.” Then she shivered. “I will have nothing to do with that number.”
I'm going to do both.
ReplyDeleteBased on the first couple paragraphs, NO.
The second person was quite off putting, and since I didn't see signs of the first person narrator until quite a ways in, it was even more jarring and irritating to me. Also, while I'm sure the eleven fingers will be important, it's not really that interesting as a hook, IMO.
Now, once you get to the part about the inheritance and time, and we actually see the first person narrator, I was engrossed, and would give this a YES.
I'd really like to know how this inheritance works, what Aunt Nordia wants, and what will happen next.
I think it would function far better if you cut most of the opening paragraph, move it later on , and start with the aunt arriving and get into the inheritance. That's the hook, IMO, and you'll have time to filter in the information about the eleven fingered people and their island.
Just some thoughts--I'd have stopped reading after the first paragraph due to the second person voice and the fact that it goes on and on about eleven fingers.
And then I would have missed out on the wonderful hook found later on with the inheritance thing--which would be a shame.
Good luck.
~Merc
I'm not a fan of beginning the story with second person, and I think it would be much stronger written in first person, but YES, you've totally got me!
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm intrigued. This is fascinating!
ReplyDeleteYes.I would read more. But If I only had the first paragraph to go by it would be a NO. I had to struggle with the 2 person viewpoint in the beginning.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck!
LMT
The opening is a touch wordy, but other than that, yes, a total hook! I'd be interested to see where the story goes from here.
ReplyDeleteI say a definite yes. The voice is quite unique and makes me curious about the character. Aunt Nordia's unwanted appearance makes me feel for the character and worry what's going to happen. And the unusual circumstances of the character's world make me want to read more.
ReplyDeleteYes, definitely. This one stands out -- the voice, the spookiness that's understated, the images. Just like this one and would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with Merc. That second half of the hook rocks, it deserves a different intro. Can't wait to read this book!
ReplyDeleteYES. But I don't like the first paragraph. The second person thing doesn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteI definitely want to know what happens. I definitely want to read more. So do something different with your opening and you've got a winner!
Yes...but with Merc and the others only after the first few paragraphs. I really didn't care for learning about 11 fingered people :)
ReplyDeleteYuna
This is intriguing, but I agree that the first paragraph is a bit off-putting. It also dragged a bit for me. I think it would be more effective if you started with "she came on the eve of my twelfth birthday..." That paragraph has action in it. And intrigue. Then follow up with some of the other stuff. It has some definite hook potential!
ReplyDelete