This is a story about wanting more than what is provided growing up. Not that I was provided for unsatisfactorily, no. I merely suffered from an urge to escape anonymity, to rise above the prescribed formulas society set down for achieving success, to be different. I dreamt of moving to a big city, falling in love, and being a movie star.
Once I finished my theatre degree at FSU I went home to my parents in Daytona Beach and slept on a futon in their living room so I could save up some money to move to L.A. Nobody wanted to come with me, so ultimately I’d move on my own which wasn’t that big of a problem – I just remember thinking it couldn’t come soon enough. I was working at a library and starting to write short fiction but still living in a shell and claiming that the place I really belonged still awaited me. My whole life until then had been one long preparation, one big temporary state from which I needed to advance.
NO.
ReplyDeleteFor one thing, having the narrator tell me about what kind of story this is tends to bore me and doesn't work as a hook, IMO.
There's also quite a bit of telling and back story and nothing quite stands out as being interesting to me.
I'd like to see the story start with a conflict or action, not with the narrator telling me what it's about.
Good luck.
~Merc
No. I'm sorry. This seems to be all back story. Perhaps you could work this in later in the story. I agree with Merc, there needs to be some conflict or action to start the story.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck!
LMT
No, sorry. Nothing happens, which in and of itself would be okay, but what's here isn't presented in an interesting way. Slice of life can be a great way to start a story, but the voice must be engaging to pull it off.
ReplyDeleteNo. Don't tell me what it's about, show me.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I'm a no too. I think you have a good character, but the voice hasn't fully emerged as it should to be a first person story. Too, the narration didn't grab me--I'd rather see it in real time as it happens.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, no. It's all backstory without any tension. I don't care enough about the narrator to want to read more. You have some lovely turns of phrase -- I like "suffered from an urge to escape anonimity" -- but I think you need to drop us into the story at a point of conflict so that we are compelled to find out what happens next.
ReplyDeleteI have to say no, too, for the same reasons stated above. To hook the reader, there needs to be something in the beginning to grab the reader's interest: conflict, an interesting premise, a question to be answered, etc. See if you can find a "hookier" way to start it off.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds a bit like a literary essay rather than fiction. I think you write well, but I wanted you to just jump right in with the story & not give me the buildup first.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry but no. I just didn't find it interesting. And am not fond of stories written in this style.
ReplyDeleteYuna