TITLE: Sloane Wolf
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
When fate arrived in Destiny Falls, Micah Sloane was elbow-deep in his brother's Ford Tempo, trying to coax the geriatric engine back to life. With little luck. But still he tried, determined not to be brought low by four cylinders of sheer stubbornness. So intent was he on his task, he would have missed the arrival of fate if not for the low whistle of his brother.
"Would you look at that?"
Must be one hell of a car, Micah thought, if he were to judge by the reverent tone of his brother's voice. Cam didn't go all soft over just any car like some of their friends did; it had to be special. Definitely not a Ford, although he liked the classic Mustangs. Probably not a Chevy, either. A Firebird was a possibility; Cam was known to get all sweet on them in the past. But - would that elicit such a whistle from his brother? No, that was a different kind of whistle, an I-never-saw-that-here-before kind of whistle. Whatever it was, it was a newcomer to Destiny Falls.
When he didn't react quick enough, his brother - who'd already turned away from their task - back-handed him on the shoulder. Hard. "Hey!" Micah yelled, returning the favor without looking up. "What's with you, brother?"
"Look at that."
But before Micah could do that, his senses pricked up - and not by the urgent undertone in his brother's voice.
What? What? What was it? I need more!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I definitely want to know what it was! Liked this.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but you lost me at the cars. The last part was a great hook though. I did like the 'geriatric engine' part. :)
ReplyDeleteWell - yes. I want to see what they're looking at.
ReplyDeleteAdmittedly - I'm a little confused about the setting - are they are an auto show or something? I mean, otherwise, why would he be convinced his brother's whistling at a car. B]
Unfortunately, my feelings are the same as windsongs.
ReplyDeleteSorry. :(
I'm not a gear head at all (too much car talk for me, perhaps?)...but I DO want to know what they're looking at.
ReplyDeleteI want to know what they're looking at, but the writing felt very choppy to me (perhaps the one word sentenses?) and I had a hard time getting into it. Of course, maybe that has something to do with me not being into cars all that much.
ReplyDeleteI like the opening and closing of this section, but kinda tuned out during the car talk. Unless Cam’s specific car passions greatly impact the plot, I’d recommend moving them until later in the story. Right now, you want to hook your reader with plot, not with details.
ReplyDeleteI would read more. I'm imagining a sexy woman, but if it's just a sexy car I might be turned off. So ya hooked me.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'd be hooked if you cut the cars stuff and had more room to add what it was they were looking at or something. I skimmed over the car part. Not that it can't be in there, but maybe shortened...a lot? :P I do love the start though.
ReplyDeleteI liked this very much but do think you could cut the car talk a bit.
ReplyDeleteYou have the brother whistle, we want to know what he's whistling at. Micah wants to know what he's whistling at, too. So why not just look? Why sit there wondering if it's this car or that car? Cut it down, move it along, let him look to see or make it so he tries to look and can't for some reason if it's important to keep it a secret.
But your writing is great, you have wit and voice.
You got me with this one. Loved it!
ReplyDeleteYep, I'm hooked. Very nice opening line and very smooth, polished writing throughout. Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteI like the voice here, the setting, the place and character names. I think I might tighten the writing just a bit, but you've got a great hook going in. (Micah almost missed fate's arrival in Destiny Falls because he was preoccupied. Nice!)
ReplyDeleteA couple of nits: Would Micah ask "What's with you, brother?" or "What's with you, bro?"? Brother seems a bit too formal here, but that may be just me.
The sentence "But before Micah could do that, his senses pricked up - and not by the urgent undertone in his brother's voice" is a little garbled. The "But" that leads it is unnecessary as is the "up" following "senses," and the phrase at the end sort of dangles, because there's nothing against which to compare the state of "not."
You could tighten "he would have missed the arrival of fate if not for the low whistle of his brother" by saying "he would have missed fate's arrival if not for his brother's low whistle."
Likewise, "Must be one hell of a car, Micah thought, if he were to judge by the reverent tone of his brother's voice" could become "Must be one hell of a car, judging by Cam's reverent tone."
I gotta know what they saw! I'm thinking it's a girl in a hot car.