GENRE: Paranormal Romance
Prologue
Galveston Island, Texas, September 8, 1900, 7:05 p.m.
Rose was accustomed to hearing the wails of the dead, but enduring the screams of the dying was unbearable. The wind and rain howled through the second story of the house with enough volume to drown out the cries of mortality—almost. She yanked her water-laden petticoat out from under her floor-length satin skirt to make movement easier.
“Hurry, Rose, we need to get out before the structure fails,” Alden shouted over the deafening roar of the storm. He was perched in a dormer window, grasping the frame with one hand and leaning in to extend his free hand to her. “Rose, please. The water is too high. We need to get out of the house before it collapses. You will die if you are inside.” She kicked off her shoes and waded through the ankle-deep water to grasp Alden’s hand.
Just touching him eased her panic. It always had—for lifetimes. More lifetimes than she could remember.
I like the story, but you have adverbs and adjectives that could be eliminated.
ReplyDeleteAlso, in this part of the dialogue, "You will die if you are inside.”
Combine the words, "You'll die if you're inside."
It's easier to read that way and moves you into the story faster.
Hope I helped! You have a good "voice", just tighten up the writing a bit!
The wind and rain howled through the second story of the house with enough volume to drown out the cries of mortality—almost.
ReplyDeleteI like this but a) the second sentence feels off. She can't stand the screams of the dying ...but the storm is loud enough to drown out the sound of mortality. Even wit the "almost" tacked on the end it feels off--TO ME (just my opinion).
I'd suggest rewording: Unfortunately, the wind and rain howling through the second story of the house wasn't quite loud enough to drown out the cries of mortality—almost.
And maybe even some visceral/physical reaction in between? Just a thought--again only my opinion.
You've got a great ending hook there :) and I'd totally read more.
I thought parts of this were overwritten. This line, "She yanked her water-laden petticoat out from under her floor-length satin skirt to make movement easier." jerked me out of the story. I was all caught up in the sounds of people dying and then I'm stuck thinking about petticoats and skirts.
ReplyDeleteThe other comments were spot-on. You have a good start, it just needs a bit of work.
I like the scenario: and exciting way to start a novel!
ReplyDeleteJust a thought: You could try starting with Alden's first line and establish the immediacy of needing to get out of the building, then insert some of the stuff that came before it about the dying people, etc.
I'd read on to see if she gets out.
Rose was accustomed to hearing the wails of the dead, but enduring the screams of the dying was unbearable.
ReplyDeleteRose was accustomed to hearing the wails of the dead. It was the cries of living she couldn't endure.
These two lines could be fleshed out better.
The wind and rain howled through the second story of the house with enough volume to drown out the cries of mortality—almost.
The wind and rain howled. Unfortunately, it wasn't loud enough to drown out the cries of the dying.
She yanked her water-laden petticoat out from under her floor-length satin skirt to make movement easier.
I agree with the petticoat comment.
I wasn't interested until the last line.
I agree with the other comments. It sounds like an interesting story and the last line is a nice hook, but the writing needs to be tightened up. Shorter sentences, fewer adjectives would heighten the tension and pull the reader deeper into the scene.
ReplyDeleteFascinated.... I'm not sure if I'm hooked... but I think I'm curious to read on a bit longer to see if I'll be hooked by something further on in the story. :]
ReplyDeleteI really liked your opening, but romance isn't really my thing. I would read a few more pages to see though. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree about the petticoat line feeling out of place.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I am intrigued...
I thought this was an intriguing first sentence: Rose was accustomed to hearing the wails of the dead, but enduring the screams of the dying was unbearable.
ReplyDeleteShe can hear the wails of the dead? That alone would make me turn the page.
I'm guessing you're using the petticoats as a way of reminding the reader of the time period, perhaps instead you could talk about the flickering candlelight instead? That might enhance the mood AND would be indicative of the period.
I love the first sentence. I would totally read on just because of that. I don't think the petticoat thing was too jarring. It sets the time period, even if you hadn't specified it at that top. It also lets me know that "Hey, it wet in here, like flood-wet, like get the heck out of the house wet." I'd totally read on. Great job!
ReplyDeleteAll of what Alden said was very forced, as though you had him say that only to let the reader know what was going on. Rose would already know why she's in peril. That said, I'm curious as to what Rose and Alden are -- angels? Elves? Fairies? Please tell me they aren't *shudder* more vampires...
ReplyDeleteOkay, I adore the possibilities of this story. Destined for each other lovers? The Galveston Hurricane? You've got me there!
ReplyDeleteOnly...it doesn't quite reach the potential there. I want to read more because of the story, but you could hook me so much more with the writing! It's such an exciting scene, that you could up the tension with tighter sentence structure and syntax. Also, Alden's dialogue was way too coherent. He's trying to rescue his heroine from a collapsing house and he's still using complete sentences? The panic doesn't ring true.
I really, really want this to work though...you definitely have something here. One more revision pass and you could have something great on your hands!
I love this opening.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with the wording of the petticoat sentence. You might consider simplifying the adjectives a smidge.
I think it's perfectly appropriate for her to notice her petticoat is impeding her escape. That detail puts us right into the story. But the phrasing kind of pulls me back out.
Perhaps something like:
She yanked her soaked petticoat out from under her floor-length skirt so she could keep up with him.
Good first sentence, nice twist. But I agree that the rest of it is over-written.
ReplyDeleteThis sentence: "She yanked her water-laden petticoat out from under her floor-length satin skirt to make movement easier." can be simplified for clarity.
I'm a total sucker for past-lives stuff, so I'd read on in a heartbeat. Also, some of the comments made here didn't strike me at all when I was reading--I felt very drawn into the scene.
ReplyDeleteGood tension, but I felt it could have been stronger. There are lots of moment of passive voice (ex: the opening line), and there are so many details about what Rose is wearing, that I feel some of the tension gets swept under the carpet like it’s less important than the fact Rose is wearing a petticoat. Also kinda felt that Rose’s POV could have been stronger throughout the piece—it was strongest on the last line, which I loved, by the way.
ReplyDeleteI think I'd be hooked into reading more with a little clean up job. You hooked me.
ReplyDeleteI thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head when I read the setting line. I'd have to read more for that reason alone! (Proud resident of the Republic of Galveston Island here. ;-) )
ReplyDeleteI agree the writing could be tightened (especially the petticoats/skirts part, although the waterlogged petticoats is a nice touch), but I really like your opening hook and your closing line. Work on your dialogue a bit. You're writing about the High Victorian period so language needs to be a bit more formal than it is today, but you'll lose readers if the language seems stilted by contemporary standards. (Nice conundrum there, huh?)
I'm definitely intrigued.
ABSOLUTELY! Love this!
ReplyDeleteI liked it. I would read more.
ReplyDelete