TITLE: Lucifer’s Porsche
GENRE: Urban fantasy
Satan pouted.
Thousands of doomed souls shuffled before him in a chained off queue. Every four meters, a sign flashed the estimated time remaining until one reached the torture devices. Anticipation fed the terror. So did bats. One swooped down to gouge a cheek. The Damned who witnessed the carnage recoiled with yelps. What did they expect? Hell was hell. Satan used to love that line. Now, well…
He flicked a talon at the next soul in line, which bore the curved form of a human female. She cowered, head darting in search of escape. A first timer.
Satan inhaled her salty, warm aura. “If you can spell ‘Mephistopheles,’ I’ll give you a pass this round.” Tough luck if the language she’d spoken on outer-Earth had been character-based.
Hope flashed in her eyes. She straightened up. “M E P H I S T O P H E L E S.”
Satan summoned an oily assistant demon. “Escort her to the elbow twister.”
Her knees faltered. “But I spelled it correctly.”
Satan rolled his head, working out a neck kink. He pointed to a neon sign that hadn’t been there a moment earlier,
NO EXCEPTIONS, NO EXCUSES
(AND NO ONE LYKES A GOOD SPELLER.)
She shrieked as the demon dragged her away. Crybaby.
Satan squinted at the endless queue, not an amusing soul in the bunch. Couldn’t they see he was suffering here?
LOL! I liked it from the first line. Satan here reminds me of Aku from the old Samurai Jack cartoon show. You have a couple of punctuation errors (missing hyphen and such) but the story moves along and I want to see where you're going to take it.
ReplyDeleteTHis is great and I'd totally keep reading!
ReplyDeleteGreat voice. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteLoved it. This cracked me up :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a good spin on Satan's character. I would read more just to see where you take him.
ReplyDeleteNice voice! I'm not in love with the subject matter, but I really loved your voice.
ReplyDeleteEr... Yes, I am hooked. Very much so. ;]
ReplyDeleteLOL! This is great! Totally out of the ordinary, and it hooked me!
ReplyDeleteGOOD JOB!!
Not only do I LOVE the title, I like everything about this piece.
ReplyDeleteExcellent humor!
You had me at Satan pouted.
ReplyDeleteVery nicely done. What an interesting concept. Satan who hates hell. Great!
ReplyDeleteThis is very entertaining! I LOVE the last line, it wraps everything up perfectly! I'd definitely keep going. You made Satan likable!
ReplyDeleteI've already commented, but this is also in my top three favorites!
ReplyDelete(Besides my own!) LOL
Sorry, but I can’t say I’m hooked by this one. Stories where the main protagonist is kinda evil (like Crawley in Good Omens, for example) work well where there’s a chance of redemption or just “less than Satan evil.” You loose that advantage starting a story off with the ultimate evil. It’s hard for a character to feel sympathy for such a character, thus also making it hard to sympathize with their plight.
ReplyDeleteI laughed out loud. Nicely done. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot my thing but I thought it was very amusing. Not sure where it's going--but that's the problem with only 250 words.
ReplyDeleteI chuckled. I enjoy the voice. I'm not exactly hooked because I have no idea where the story is going, but I would keep reading to hopefully find out soon. Great writing! Very entertaining.
ReplyDeleteThis was a hilarious beginning, but I don't know if I would read much more. If the book is about more that Satan torturing people, I might read on, but that info isn't available on the first page so I would pass.
ReplyDeleteVery funny.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice.
I wouldn't read on because I don't read books about Satan the comedian anymore than I read books about women who use vibrators, and yet I loved this snippet.
This is why good girls fall for bad boys. The wicked people are so darned funny. Wouldn't we all love to say and do whatever we wanted to say and do?
This is pretty funny. I'm not sure I'd want to read further, however, as comic fantasy is not really my thing. Good writing, though!
ReplyDeleteThis is brilliant, IMHO. Great voice, nice snark factor, fun twist on Satan. I think you had me at the title. I'd want to see something actually move a plot pretty soon, but I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDelete