TITLE: The Stronghold Wars
GENRE: science fantasy
Aileana had been on her way to get rations when the first soldier approached her, his hands covered in swirling black tattoos, the cartilage of each ear pierced so evenly she was reminded of rivets on a trunk. Stories of rape and theft had already tarnished the novelty of martial law, and she warned him to back off.
“Aileana Katares? You’re to come with us,” his companion said. She couldn’t read his expression through the motley desert of scar tissue; more than anything, his head looked like a misshapen lump of wax.
“I’m not going anywhere with you.”
“Lord Malachi wants your help.”
That called to mind all the drug dealers and anarchists she’d prosecuted over the past seven years as a trial lawyer and did nothing to reassure her. But they had refused to take “go away” for an answer, and the moment she tried to get back in her car, Waxhead seized her around the waist. For the first time in her life, she was in a real fight. Thanks to years of martial arts training, she left both men sprawled on the asphalt.
Yet they were there when she reached the first security checkpoint. This time, both of them were carrying guns. This time, neither opened with conversation.
Ohhhh, I want to read more!
ReplyDeleteThe only suggestion I have is to break up the first paragraph into smaller sentences.
Good Luck!
I like it. The sentence about "the novelty of martial law" took me out of the action a little bit.
ReplyDeleteBut I loved this sentence: "For the first time in her life, she was in a real fight." That just jumped off the page for me and reveals a lot without saying a lot.
Would love to read on. Clean, engaging writing.
ReplyDeleteI loved "the cartilage of each ear pierced so evenly she was reminded of rivets on a trunk" Wow! I know exactly what this guy looks like. But I agree with sarah, break this sentence up. Is this character so important that he gets top billing in your first sentence?
ReplyDeleteI also agree with ac, "tarnished the novelty of martial law" took me away. I can't imagine martial law EVER being UNtarnished. If that's the mood you want - that life was SO out of control that martial law was good - you need to work on that.
I think "his head looked like a misshapen lump of wax" is great! You don't need "the motely desert". Desert and wax don't go together in my mind. I suggest something like - "his head looked like a misshapen lump of wax, scar tissue making it impossible for her to read his expression."
The sentence "But they had refused to take 'go away' for an answer..." doesn't sit right. The reader never hears her say, "go away" Simply add that in Aileana's statement, "I'm not going anywhere with you."
Overall, you have an interesting start. I would read on.
Hmmm... not exactly my thing.
ReplyDeleteBut yes, you have strong writing and a strong hook here. Great descripts<:
Not my thing. It also moved a little fast, but you provided a very good hook. I like how you tied the beginning (where she meets them the first time) with the ending.
ReplyDeleteVery much hooked. I'm so totally in the scene.
ReplyDeleteVery nice. I'm totally hooked. I liked the last part where it said they didn't start with conversation the second time. Like the first time was so civilized. :) Great job!
ReplyDeleteYeah, this is something I would read. Good work on the setup.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea behind this, but I think the scene went too fast too, and I would have liked to see her kick the men's butts instead of you just telling us about it. I love science fantasy, though, so I'd probably read a few more pages to get hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe mix of "Lord" and "rations" made me think they were in a war somewhere in a medieval-ish time, then you threw in the car and security check points and I was lost. Once I got my footing setting-wise, I enjoyed your descriptions -- very clear, very concise.
ReplyDeleteHooked. :)
ReplyDeleteSome of the sentence structure is bulky, but you got me with your voice at the end. Hooked!
ReplyDeleteI’ll say I’m tentatively hooked. Good set up and immediate conflict, but the addition of back story slows it all down. I don’t think knowing she’s a prosecutor is so important that the action needs to be sacrificed to tell us that. Likewise, you glossed right over Aileana using marshal arts on these guys, which sounds like it would have been interesting reading.
ReplyDeleteHooked, but I would have really loved to have been shown the fight and not told it happened. Too fast for me.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this one. Your descriptions are vivid, but would prefer to be in on the action.
ReplyDeleteex 1:
"and she warned him to back off."
~you could have shown her doing this instead of telling us.
ex 2:
"But they had refused to take “go away” for an answer, and the moment she tried to get back in her car, Waxhead seized her around the waist. For the first time in her life, she was in a real fight. Thanks to years of martial arts training, she left both men sprawled on the asphalt.
~This was all telling and introspection. Show me.
I'd prefer to have seen more of the action and fight, as well...but I'm still hooked! Interesting story.
ReplyDeleteI like what's beginning to develop here, and for the most part your writing is clean and snappy. I almost bailed, though, at the first sentence: "Eleana had been on her way...." Have you considered using "was" instead of "had been"?
ReplyDeleteLikewise, "Thanks to years of martial arts training..." threw me completely out of the scene. I didn't really want to see a full-on battle here as much as a brief description of her actual moves. (Maybe something like "two swift kicks left both men sprawled on the asphalt" or "she spun, stiffening arms against two imposing jaws, and both men collapsed onto the asphalt." [Ew. The second suggestion was hideous, but I hope you got the idea.]) You can bring out her "years of martial arts training" later on, IMHO. :-)
I love the juxtaposition of medieval terms and modern setting, though, and your description of Waxhead was dynamite.
I'm hooked enough to want to read more but I do find the tone of the piece a bit confusing in the fifth paragraph. I was under the impression when reading up until that point that this was some sort of fantasy (despite the genre listed). I think using the honorific Lord automatically puts the reader in that mindset. Also, the protag's name.
ReplyDeleteBut by the fifth paragraph it felt like I was reading noir or a thriller. Drug dealers? Cars? Anarchists? What? I think you need to clarify this better.
Still, strong writing style!
I don't read sci fi but the description absolutely pulled me in!
ReplyDelete