GENRE: Paranormal romance
The intruder stared up at the turret tower and unlit windows of the great mock castle. He'd waited months for it to be empty, and tonight it was. Daniel Demaris was gone, and he could finally search unhindered for the talisman.
And if someone came? He smiled in anticipation.
His creature would kill the unfortunate fool, and he'd be free to search at his leisure. He must have the protection of the talisman before the creature killed him, too.
Avoiding the moonlit patches, he crept across the lawn, pried open a window, then slipped inside. His flashlight's beam darted across the leather-bound books on the shelves, the antique desk, and the Hudson River paintings on the paneled walls of the study. The desk first.
He began to search methodically and neatly through the desk's drawers. No one must know he'd been here in case he couldn't find the talisman.
If he couldn't, he might just rip the location from Demaris' screaming mind. It would be justice to destroy his enemy thus. Demaris deserved it for what he'd done to him. The bastard deserved it.
***
Nelson Page's loud snore rattled in his chest. Jolting awake at the sound, the newspaper in his hands crunching and crackling, he sat up in his armchair and gazed around the living room.
Her eyes twinkling over the rims of her bifocals, Angie laughed with the full, high sweetness of wedding bells, the same laugh he'd fallen in love with forty-odd years before.
I really like this. I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteOne thing; It was cool that the intruder "smiled in anticipation" but then you give away what would happen to someone in the next sentence. I think if you left out the paragraph about the creature (and added it later) that would leave more of the suspense intact.
I love that Angie's laugh sounds like wedding bells--that's a great line. Now I'm worried for her and Nelson--are they in the same house as the intruter?? I want to read more!
Not completely hooked. I don't really relate (or like) the POV character. I might read on to see if there was some point where I could relate.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure... Right now this feels a little jumpy. But it could be because the intruder part is sort of like a mini prologue, and the second part with the cute old people is the actual start of the book.
ReplyDeleteNice descriptions though.
I'm also not sure about this. I would have to read a few more pages...
ReplyDeleteI'm not really into this and am not sure why. I guess it's this feeling of overly forced tension. I just don't feel for the character yet.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading to find out what happens and who was who. Good questions raised in that small snippet.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThis could work well, I think, with some trimming.
For one thing, the word "Talisman" is repeated a bit too often for me, especially when a quest for a talisman is such a common plot point.
I would cut "for the talisman" from the first paragraph. All the intrigue is still there, and we'll find out soon enough that it's a talisman he's searching for.
I would cut the whole third paragraph. You've already established something nasty will happen to anyone who approaches and that the intruder is free to search at his leisure, so the only detail the first sentence is adding is that there is some sort of dangerous creature. Since there's no more information than that, I don't think that adds much.
And I found the second half of that paragraph confusing. If he needs the talisman to be protected, why isn't the creature going to kill him now?
I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for that that will come out later. So I don't need to know about it now, when you're trying to suck me into the story.
In the fifth paragraph, we can find out about the talisman, if you like. I think I prefer not to know yet what he's searching for.
I'd cut "It would be justice to destroy his enemy thus," since you basically say the same thing two more times after it. In fact I would only say it once, combining your last two sentences. "The bastard deserved it for what he'd done to him."
The last two paragraphs after the scene break are nice enough. I can't tell where they're going, but they seem fine. So all in all, with just trimmings, I'd suggest something like:
The intruder stared up at the turret tower and unlit windows of the great mock castle. He'd waited months for it to be empty, and tonight it was. Daniel Demaris was gone, and he could finally search unhindered.
And if someone came? He smiled in anticipation.
Avoiding the moonlit patches, he crept across the lawn, pried open a window, then slipped inside. His flashlight's beam darted across the leather-bound books on the shelves, the antique desk, and the Hudson River paintings on the paneled walls of the study. The desk first.
He began to search methodically and neatly through the desk's drawers. No one must know he'd been here in case he couldn't find what he needed.
If he couldn't, he might just rip the location from Demaris' screaming mind. The bastard deserved it for what he'd done to him.
Interesting. Well paced, and I liked how you gave us enough details of the mock castle to make it clear, but not a laundry list of descriptions, either. I’d probably read on a bit more to see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteAlso, a POV note: would he refer to himself as "The Intruder" if we're really, firmly in his POV?
I'm not hooked. I think the POV switch is what took me away. While the writing in both are good, my mind wasn't ready to leave the scene you just spent a few paragraphs building for me.
ReplyDeleteI didn't feel compelled to keep reading after the first sentence. It's just a setup sentence. When I got to the talisman, I stopped reading and had to push myself to start again. More on why below.
ReplyDeleteI feel like you have a few cliches at work here. The castle, even if it is a mock castle, made me think it wasn't set in present day at first. I realized further on that it was, thanks to the flashlight. But...well...there are just so many castles out there in fantasy (paranormal fiction included, natch).
Likewise, talismen are so very common in fantasy. Could you maybe give it a slightly more descriptive name? Just to avoid "talisman"?
And (personal pet peeve warning) SO many villains have this worldly-yet-blase thought pattern ("His creature would kill the unfortunate fool, and he'd be free to search at his leisure.") that I just zone right out when I see it. Plus he's so sure his target deserves everything he's going to dish out -- it just feels so one-dimensional. Your villain may NOT be one-dimensional, but the one-dimensional sociopath is so common that that's all I can think of as I read this.
Sorry I couldn't be more encouraging, but I hope the feedback helps you a bit. :-)
This villain is such a stereotype that I can almost see him twisting his little moustache, throwng back his head and going "BWA HA HA HA HA!"
ReplyDeleteThe writing isn't nearly polished enough yet, and some of the sentences are ...painful to read: "His creature would kill the unfortunate fool, and he'd be free to search at his leisure." and "It would be justice to destroy his enemy thus." Ow. Get rid of those.
The final two paragraphs feel disconnected to the rest of the piece, quite honestly.
Not hooked.
I'm wondering if this should start with the elderly couple and work its way into the intruder a bit later on. The elderly couple seems charming (love the "laugh like wedding bells" thing!), and the intruder seems like a caricature of The Thoroughly Evil Villain. I can almost see him rubbing his palms together before tweaking his mustache.
ReplyDeleteThe transition between the Evil One musing and the elderly man snoozing seems pretty jarring, too.
One nitpick: Snores don't rattle in chests, do they? I thought snores were produced more in the soft palate area. If Nelson has a loud-enough-to-wake-him rattle in his chest he probably ought to see a doctor, cuz his days are numbered (into something on the order of minutes).