Dear Ms Meadows,
As a daughter of the patrician house of Vinia, Drusilla is no stranger
to being used by others to further their own ambitions. When her
betrothed decides she has lived past the point of usefulness, she
flees death only to find herself in the distant kingdom of war-torn
Mudamora and now a pawn in a court ruled by intrigue and seduction.
Her own desires are put on the line in a game of lies and deception,
where she is the keeper of a secret with the power to pull a prince
from his throne.
Her own secret is damning enough without adding others to the mix; a
power revealed when she restored Lord Rhys Calorian from a mortal
injury and suffered the physical pain that resulted. A power which
condemns her to serve in the mad King’s failing army should she ever
be found out. Knowing she would be safer if she left the city, but
compelled by his desire to have her, Rhys coerces Drusilla into
joining the ranks of the Princess’s female guards, of which he is the
reluctant captain. Over the clash of practice swords, they discover a
passion greater than either of them expected, but it is a love
continually tested by his quest for redemption of past transgressions
and by her hidden past.
The trouble with secrets is not in the having, but in the keeping and
when the Princess she is sworn to protect finds hers out, Drusilla is
forced into the role of master dissembler to protect a royal family
plagued by madness and to avoid a war of ascendancy that would leave
Mudamora ripe for its enemy’s picking.
TRAITOR’S PLIGHT is a 107,000 word fantasy with a strong romantic
element, and is the first volume in a trilogy. I have a Bachelor of
Commerce degree from the University of Calgary and this is my first
novel. I would be happy to send you the complete manuscript at your
request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Author
He leaned against the wall and felt the chill of the stone seep
through his coat, despite the heat of the day. The air was thick and
what breeze came from the harbour was long since corrupted by the
stench of the city it passed through. He watched the soldiers walk
slowly through the western gates, their armour dented and patched, the
gleam of the early days of war a distant memory. Gone too, were the
days when crowds gathered to toss flowers and cheer for the departing
soldiers, the men grinning as they passed through the gates, visions
of glory in their eyes. Now only a few women stood to watch the
soldiers depart, their downcast faces grim, wearing the expressions of
women already resigned to widowhood.
He waited for the last rickety wagon of supplies to roll through the
gates and then resumed his passage through the streets. The women
stepped out of his path, as they should, though he was never one to
fret over courtesies. In truth, he often wished he might don the
coarse clothing and filth of a commoner and blend into the crowd.
There was freedom in anonymity, but those who possessed it always
seemed dolefully unaware of its blessing. Perhaps it was the nature of
men to seek notice from their fellows, hopeful that with it, fortune
would follow. They were fools dancing to the tune of fate, but she was
an inconstant mistress, as like to choose the black mark of infamy as
the golden brush of glory.
You mention that Drusilla has "her own desires"...but what are they?
ReplyDeleteIt feels very much as if Drusilla just gets pushed and pulled and manipulated. Even the final line "is forced in the role of master dissembler..."
From this pitch, it feels as if Drusilla makes no choices of her own and is a weak character. This isn't the kind of person I'd want to read about--if a character starts out weak, I'd like to know that she grows strong and independent by the end. Right now, it seems that the only thing she does on her own is fall in love, and that doesn't entice me. I'm sorry, but I'm not hooked.
I'm hooked by your query. There is one sentence that I got hung up on ("The trouble with secrets ...") but that's simple enough to fix.
ReplyDeleteThe excerpt, on the other hand, didn't catch my interest. I think it's because it's so passive. The man (who is it? You might want to put a name. I'm assuming Rhys) is an observer. There's a little more meat in the second paragraph but I almost didn't make it. Maybe start there instead?
Random... my problem with Drusilla is it will always be connected to BTVS fame for me. :#
ReplyDeleteQuery: Not quite hooked. I think part of my problem is I get the idea that Drusilla is one of those passive type characters that everything happens to. On second read, I suspect that isn't quite the case, but...
The opening 250 words are kind of static and slow, dominated by somebody wandering around and providing world-building and characterisation details through the narrative. The query is way too generalised: too many cliched “hidden pasts” and “redemption of past transgressions”, not enough specific, logically-flowing plot
ReplyDeleteFor all that, the writing was beautiful and drew me in completely, and I’d read on in the hope that you are indeed Paul Kearney in disguise.
Sounds almost too Romance than Y/A.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
PS> Take out your degree, it has no bearing here.
Not so hooked. To me, query feels a bit thick with cliches like "further own ambitions" and "lived past the point of usefulness." Second paragraph includes a damning secret. I think it's better to tell the story without using these kind of pat statements.
ReplyDeleteWhile the writing is good, I also felt like there were a lot of cliches, which givs us generalities about the story but not many specifics, i.e., "a pawn...ruled by intrigue and seduction...", "a game of lies and deception...", "quest for redemption..."
ReplyDeleteThe query never says what her secret is, but I think agents want to have the full story, I think you need to say what it is--it may add some interest. Right now though, I'd have to say not hooked.
The query didn't work for me. It just seemed to drag a little. But in what I did read, I was interested enough to check out what you submitted. I like the language in your first paragraph--I feel like I'm standing by the wall with the MC. Nice job setting the scene.
ReplyDeleteThe Query: This ran a bit long for me, but kept me curious enough to read on through the sample.
ReplyDeleteThis query could be made more concise for stronger impact. Also, it does seem as if the MC is moved along by the turn of events around her and making the best of what happens to her rather than choosing her own path. One repetition that niggled at me was "Her own desires" very shortly followed by "Her own secret".
The Sample: The imagery is well written with good support from sensory description. I very much enjoyed that.
However, I'm not sure I would use this approach for the beginning of the story. I would recommend some sort of action right at the very beginning - either something happening to "him" or perhaps some action he is taking, with this backdrop happening around him as he is reacting or taking action.
Hooked. Although didn't like the name Drusilla. Sample pages are well written, they held my attention and I would carry on reading for sure
ReplyDeletePartially hooked by the query. I almost want to say you could pare it down by taking out that middle paragraph. It bogged me down too much, trying to wade through the information.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I've heard, I'm not sure you'd want to mention that this is the first of a series unless the agent specifically asks you do so. Right now, you're just pitching this one novel, not the whole set. Likewise to mentioning that this is your first book. It draws attention to the fact that you're still pretty new. For now let your writing speak for itself.
For the 250 words -- my initial thought is, okay... who is this guy. With third person narration, we should be getting a name up front, yeah?
Your writing is solid, but your sentences don't have very much variation here.
I really like that last line though.
I wasn't hooked enough to read the entire query. The first paragraph uses a lot of overused phrasing and though the query is long, the blurb avoids details and ends up sounding generic. I'd suggest putting concrete details into the query so we see why the story is unique.
ReplyDelete"As a daughter of the patrician house of Vinia, Drusilla is no strangerto being used by others to further their own ambitions."
<< "no stranger to" sounds cliched
<< how exactly is she being used by others?
When her betrothed decides she has lived past the point of usefulness, she flees death only to find herself in the distant kingdom of war-torn
Mudamora and now a pawn in a court ruled by intrigue and seduction.
<< "only to find herself" feels cliched
<< we still don't know the problem, why is she no longer useful or how was she even useful in the first place. She's caught in intrigue, but we don't know what sort
Her own desires are put on the line in a game of lies and deception,where she is the keeper of a secret with the power to pull a prince from his throne.
<< "game of lies" "keeper of a secret"
<< I still don't know why she's special and the nature of the intrigue
Even if this is all explained later on, it's a long time to go in a query with a lot of generalities. There's no hook to set the story apart.
I would have liked some more specifics in your query, as commenters above have said. I loved your sample though. If I were an agent, I'd request a partial.
ReplyDeleteI thought your query was hard to follow. I frowned while I read it, but thought I caught an interesting plot in it, so I decided to read the sample pages.
ReplyDeleteI like your sample page, but something interesting needs to happen soon to keep my attention.
So I guess I'm partially hooked, but that's based more on your first page than your query.
re: the name Drusilla. That name is forever associated with the character from Buffy, in my mind. :-)
Close, but not hooked. There's too much plot outlined in this query to really give me a feel for what the story is *about*. Keep plot to the synopsis.
ReplyDeleteGive us Drucilla, her problem, what she's going to do about it, and what happens if she fails. Keep the focus on her.
And while the query isn't really from a POV, sentences like this -- "Knowing she would be safer if she left the city, but
compelled by his desire to have her, Rhys coerces Drusilla into
joining the ranks of the Princess’s female guards, of which he is the
reluctant captain." -- this is *his* sentence. This is about him. The focus switched at the beginning. If this sentence was about Drucilla, it would say something along the lines of, "She'd be safer outside the city, but allows Rhys to coerce her into joining the ranks of the Princess's female guards."
Give Drucilla something to do in here. Don't let other characters make the decision for her.
The sample page... Who is this guy, and why doesn't he have a name? Without a way to connect with him, I have no reason to continue reading about him. Also, since he's just standing around and watching, he comes across as a passive character.
The writing is nice and I know there's a story in there, but this needs to be much stronger.