Dear Ms. Meadows,
My middle grade fantasy novel, A PRINCE FOR DENNIWIG COUNTY, is complete at 41,000 words.
The easiest ways to become a prince are to be the son of a king or marry a princess. Neither of those options are available for 12-year old Timothy, a miserable orphan at The Reformatory Home for Unwanted Boys.
Timothy spends his days scrubbing sewers and cleaning grimy toilets with his toothbrush. Becoming a prince is an impossibility he does not even consider until he stumbles into Denniwig County, a magical land filled with goblins, castles, and wizards. Timothy inadvertently enters a competition to become Denniwig County’s new prince. Timothy has to prove his worthiness by completing a series of increasingly difficult challenges. In between those challenges, Timothy must contend with the jealous son of a Duke, a suspicious headmistress, and the mystery of the previous prince’s disappearance. Timothy has no idea how he could possibly succeed, but that is not going to stop him from trying.
I’d welcome the opportunity to send you a larger sample of my work. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best Regards,
A brown, gooey substance sat on the plate in front of Timothy. He poked it with his spoon. The entire pile quivered. He scooped the tiniest of bites onto his spoon and inched it towards his mouth. His stomach knotted as the disgusting stuff got closer.
A bug wriggled out of the goo and a fit of nausea shook Timothy. He dropped his spoon. It clanged against his plate, an enormous racket in the otherwise silent dining hall. His dinner sprayed across the table.
Everyone in the room stopped eating and waited for disaster to unfold.
The click-clack of shoes smacking against the rickety wood floor let Timothy know the noise had been noticed by the worst of the worst, the awful headmistress, Ms. Pritchard. She stopped right behind his chair and Timothy felt her angry breath on his neck.
“Apparently, Timothy thinks he’s too good to eat his turnip stew like everyone else. He’d rather sling it all over the table like a messy little baby,” Ms. Pritchard said in a horribly shrill voice that sounded like nails scraping across a chalk board. Timothy cringed.
There was a smattering of nervous laughter from the other boys in the dining hall. They were afraid to not laugh when Ms. Pritchard ridiculed someone else.
“There was...” Timothy started to defend himself. Ms. Pritchard flicked his ear to silence him.
“I don’t want to hear your excuses,” she snapped.
The headmistress’s hand reached out, quick as a snake, and snatched his plate.
Shouldn't it be: becoming a prince is a possibility that he doesn't even consider? Not impossibility.
ReplyDeleteI think the query letter needs to have a bit more detail, but I have to admit that I went on and read the opening. I'm interested in what happens to Timothy and would read on.
Good luck!
Okay, hooked.
ReplyDeleteYou almost lost me in the second paragraph of the query due to the overuse of "Timothy." (Switch over to "he").
But still, it sounded like a charming Cinderella type story. Nice work.
The query hooked me with the imporant bits of the story laid out neatly. The opening page did a good job of making me feel for Timothy so I'd read on to find out what happens next.
ReplyDeleteI was hooked, although a couple of portions bumped me out.
ReplyDelete"The easiest ways to become a prince are to be the son of a king or marry a princess." - this isn't central to the plot, so consider removing it. The third paragraph hooked me more, although I did like the name of the orphanage!
And then in the 250 - his dinner sprayed across the table... was this vomit? chewed food in his mouth? or his actual plate? I'm confused, especially when Ms. Pritchard says that he'd rather sling his food all over the table.
I liked this. I read the first page and it sounds like it would appeal to lower middle grade kids.
ReplyDeleteGood job and good luck!
I liked this, but it needs some polishing. the second paragraph, "The easiest ways to become a prince are to be the son of a king ..." could be incorporated into the third paragraph.
ReplyDelete"Twelve-year-old Timothy spends his days scrubbing sewers and cleaning grimy toilets with his toothbrush at the Reformatory Home for Unwanted Boys."
As for the sample, don't tell me Ms. Pritchard is "the awful headmistress." I got that by her actions. Otherwise I was hooked by the concept. Good luck.
Your query intrigued me enough to read the sample. You might want to cut down on the number of times you use the name Timothy in the query, though. It was starting to get repetitive.
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice and I would certainly read more. The nails part is cliche. I'm sure you can come up with something much better.
Good luck!
Hooked! Read the excerpt... hooked some more. I would ask for additional pages.
ReplyDeleteLove it. Am hooked. Intriguing story. Great writing.
ReplyDeleteHooked enough to read the excerpt. The query tells what the story is about without wandering into too much detail. I already sympathize with Timothy in this first 250 words.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed both the query and the sample page. I would ask for more.
ReplyDeleteI'd cut the first bit because I don't think it really occurs to anyone to become a prince, orphanage or not.
ReplyDeleteI liked the rest of it except the nails scraping the blackboard bit - if you've only got 250 words working for you try to come up with something more original.
The query gives just enough details to hook me, even if you did use the character's name over and over again. Don't be afraid of pronouns. :)
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that struck me is how Harry Potter this sounded. It may work in your favor; it may not.
Otherwise, the first page really pulled me into Timothy's world and made me care about him. I'd want to read more.
This is the first sample I went on to read! Love the voice of the chapter - imbue more of that into the query and I think you have a winner. I felt like it wanted to go there, but ended up too formal.
ReplyDeleteHooked! First query I stopped to read. Agree just one too many "Timothy"s. I'd read more. :)
ReplyDeleteQuery: I worship the premise. :]
ReplyDeleteSnippet: Yes, still hooked.
This has a very Dickens' "Oliver" feel to it, so the material may not have enough originality, but the query still hooked me, and so did the partial. I like the writing. Good luck with it!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely hooked. The story has a fairytale quality to it, and I love it. Read the sample page and loved it a little more. Would definitely keep on reading
ReplyDeleteHooked. No criticism.
ReplyDeleteA note about the query: in the third paragraph, you have a lot of sentences that are "Timothy verb" You might want to vary the sentence structure a bit.
ReplyDeleteSample:
Hmmm...I'm interested. I'd read more.
I'm intrigued by both, but like others have pointed out, it smacks of both Oliver Twist and Harry Potter - the suffering orphan especially. If there are ways to bring out what makes this new and different, it might pay off to focus on them some more.
ReplyDeleteThe excerpt is really, really great. REALLY GREAT. I would totally read more of that.
ReplyDeleteBut the query is kind of flat, and I think it's the choppiness of the writing. You could easily combine some of your sentences to make it flow better.
For example:
Timothy inadvertently enters a competition to become Denniwig County’s new prince. Timothy has to prove his worthiness by completing a series of increasingly difficult challenges.
... could become:
When Timothy inadvertently enters a competition to become Denniwig County’s new prince, he must prove his worthiness by completing a series of increasingly difficult challenges.
Also, I would suggest incorporating your hook into the first sentence.
For example:
My middle grade fantasy novel, A PRINCE FOR DENNIWIG COUNTY, is complete at 41,000 words.
The easiest ways to become a prince are to be the son of a king or marry a princess. Neither of those options are available for 12-year old Timothy, a miserable orphan at The Reformatory Home for Unwanted Boys.
... can become:
I am seeking representation for my 41,000 word, middle grade fantasy novel, A PRINCE FOR DENNIWIG COUNTY, where the easiest ways to become a prince are to be the son of a king or marry a princess.
Unfortunately for 12-year old Timothy, as a miserable orphan at The Reformatory Home for Unwanted Boys means he's going to have to do it the hard way.
Really, though, I think smoothing out the prose, and really punching up your hook would make this fantastic.
I love, love, love the writing.
I agree with the comments that 'Timothy' was a tad overused in the letter. BUT, I also was not just willing but eager to get to the sample.
ReplyDeleteI got hung up a bit pondering being shaken by a fit of nausea. Something in that seems wrong. Could just be me. =)
Overall, I want to read the book!
Lovely!
ReplyDeleteI'd have to say your query intrigued me immediately from the humor of the first line: "The easiest ways to become a prince are to be the son of a king or marry a princess." Then when he's an orphan from a place called "The Reformatory Home for Unwanted Boys" -- I know exactly what the tone of the book is going to be and I didn't even bother nitpicking over the 2nd paragraph before I skipped to the first page. Your opening delivers on what your query promises. Exciting!
I'm feeling shades of Roald Dahl. Your voice is fresh and effortless.
Good job!
I really liked the query and the sample. I'd just be careful with the repetition of "Timothy" in the query, but I could find nothing else to pick on. This is one I would probably read.
ReplyDeleteI was definitely hooked. Middle grade isn't even my genre, but this was the first query that inspired me to read the excerpt.
ReplyDeleteWhat I liked: the query was clear and crisp. You laid out the story, the hero, the stakes and then wrapped it up. The excerpt followed through with good, sprightly writing. Awesome!
What could improve: The third paragraph of the query is a pretty big block of text. If you're doing e-queries you may want to break that up to make it easier to read.
Like I said, this isn't what I normally read or write, but if I was an agent I'd want pages!
Not my kind of story, so take or leave my comments.
ReplyDeleteSounds a bit like Dickens to me. Also, you'd have to jump into the query a lot faster if you want to hook me.
I got stuck on the bit about scrubbing sewers. Not possible.
Has great possiblities though.
There are definitely things I like about this, including the orphanage name and the ridiculously nasty and over the top stuff they make the boys do.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, this just didn't hook me. I wasn't as drawn in my Timothy's plight as I'd need in order to keep reading. I think this is just a case of "not for me", because there *is* a lot of good here.