TITLE: Frostbite
GENRE: Young Adult Paranormal Romance
“Hurry up, Amanda, if you’re late again—”
“Yeah, yeah. Save it, bro. I’m comin’. The school’s two minutes away,” I hollered from my room. Everything in this town is a two-minute drive from us.
“I’ll be in the garage.”
The front door to our apartment slammed shut as I clomped out of my bedroom. I spied a travel mug perched on the kitchen table and grinned. Despite his tendency to nag, big bro sported one or two redeeming qualities. I snatched the mug up and flipped the sip hole open on my way to the door. Mom’s picture hanging beside the door caught my attention. “Mornin’ mom.”
The morning air warmed my skin as I stepped outside then trotted down the stairs from the apartment. Sounds of clanking metal and a slew of curse words streamed out from the half open side door to the garage. My trot turned into a mad dash, my spine tingling with fear.
The Coats found us again!
My quick motion sent dark liquid splashing through the sip hole in the lid and onto my shirt. Coffee soaked through the cotton and burned my skin. I hurled the mug to the side.
My heart took off sprinting as I kicked the side door open, my hand already chilled and ready to freeze anyone and everyone who wasn’t my brother. “Scott!” I screamed so loud my throat scratched like razors. Oh my God, did they get him? Oh my God, not again! Please—
Definitely hooked and would love to read more. I really like how we get some action right here in the very beginning.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious about how she 'freezes' things and about who it is after them. Nice job.
Not quite hooked... I like the scene and idea here, but the writing seemed a little rough to me.
ReplyDeleteYou do such a great job with the details like the hot coffee and sounds of clanking metal. I thought her suddenly ready to freeze someone seemed a little too quick to come out this early in the book. I'd like to get to know her first and then see her powers unravel. But that might be a personal preference.
ReplyDeleteI would want to read more, but The Coats found us again brought a funny image to mind, not the one intended. You may be able to work around having bad guys who are called Coats and manage to make it not seem comical, but I wouldn't want to tackle it.
ReplyDeleteAnd after this it veers toward overwriting and too much detail: 27 words to say I splashed hot coffee down my front.
Ditto too many words and awkward phrasing in the next passage - this is a tense scene and needs to move fast - and it's an awkward introduction of her hand-freezing ability (as if the author is working it in just to let us know about this ability).
But. I would still read more!
Nice, Author. I like the "coffeevthrough the sip hole" image and the "clanking metal and slew of curse words."
ReplyDeleteFor sure, I'd read on.
Great comments here.
What a priceless blog!
I'm hooked! I'd definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I'm hooked! I like the premise and the suspense.
ReplyDeleteI agree that there is a bit of overwriting with the spilled coffee, but that's an easy fix.
I would definitely read on
I like your voice. The story needs editing though. The Coats made me think of coats with feet:-)
ReplyDeleteI would read more to see how she freezes the Coats.
Not hooked. The writing was rough and another story of a teen with superpowers just doesn't do much for me. But that's just a personal thing.
ReplyDeleteWhen she trots down the stairs, say - then 'I' trotted, otherwise, it's the air trotting.
And the parg. with the curisng and clanking metal could be stronger if you got some dialogue in there. Maybe let us hear the cursing. You may not have wanted to do it here because of the word limit, but I think it will up the tension if we actually hear a bit of what was going on.
And the coffee spill might work better before you say 'The Coats found us again.'
I'd keep reading, but I'm a bit skeptical about the voice. But I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI like it. I think bringing in her superpowers right away is good because it lets you know right away that it's not just another teen romance but there's some action.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it sets it up for intrigue. Who are The Coats (I didn't get a comical picture from that) and why are they looking for her? Where did her powers come from and what is she going to do with them?
Not hoooked; the voice of the main character felt fake to me. Especially when she calls her brother "bro"-- it felt awkward and forced.
ReplyDeleteI felt as if we jumped from too many mundane details in the first paragraphs to something unusual happening in the latter part. I'd try tightening everything up and see how it feels then.
ReplyDeleteGood luck - you're really close.
I would keep reading as I like teens with super powers. The overly descriptive beginning could be cut down a bit, though, especially once she fears that something has gone wrong - at that point you want to make the writing more immediate to give a sense of urgency and cut back on the descriptions
ReplyDeleteI could really picture this scene--nice work. Her voice seems masculine to me for some reason, though; I was surprised to find she was a girl.
ReplyDeleteLiked the coats part even thought I didn't know exactly what it meant. Gave me a reason to think it was something supernatural but that I needed to read more to get the entire story.
ReplyDeleteDialogue needs some reworking, but the premise is interesting. Not sure I like the enemy referred to as a Coat. Made me think of a fur coat, which isn't very scary. :)
ReplyDeleteThe writing could be a little tighter, and the part about the Coats sounded odd to me. I think you could leave out the name of the enemy at first and just say 'They found us again.' It still sounds ominous without pulling the reader out of the story.
ReplyDeleteThe premise sounds interesting. I'd definitely keep reading to see what happened next.
Good luck!
I agree with the SA that there is something about the voice that demands skepticism. I think it's a bit funky--not 100% sure of itself, and a bit overwritten.
ReplyDeleteUpon reading this a few times, I like the way you write, and the way the action unfolds, but I'm not hooked. I feel very confused. As someone mentioned above, there's just too much of a leap between the first few paragraphs and the last.
ReplyDeleteI like this so far, but I also have to agree with Weronika that it does seem a bit funky. That's the only way to describe it. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck! = )
I would use some dialogue tags at the beginning to let us know the brother is calling her.
ReplyDeleteWell written, but the tone would stop me -- the "bro" and "Mornin', mom."
I really want to know what happens next. REALLY want to. Do you need any other crit writers? *hopeful grin*
ReplyDeleteI want to know who The Coats are?
ReplyDeleteAnd whether or not they have big bro...
You've raised good questions immediately. I'd read more.
I want to know more! Who are the Coats? What's happened to her big brother? What happened to her mom? What's the extent of her super power? So many questions! Good job. I'm ready to read more for sure.
ReplyDelete