TITLE: Embrol
GENRE: YA SF
My art teacher says the eyes are the window to the soul. Apparently, I don’t have one
I crumpled the paper and threw it against my bedroom wall. Why can I draw anyone, anything else, but I can’t draw myself? I pulled out a drawing of my mother. Maybe it would work. Her straight, auburn hair was only slightly darker than mine, and her deep blue eyes had the same shape and color, but I knew Mr. Harper would see it for the fraud that is was. Not reaching my potential, he would say.
My gaze strayed to the mirror. I smiled at my reflection, trying to force the joy that always shone in my mother’s eyes, into my own. Frustration stared back. I rubbed my eyes. Maybe one F wouldn’t affect my grade that much.
As my hands fell away, tiny points of light swam through the air around me. I blinked. They didn’t fade. In an instant, they solidified into a silvery mass, compressing my entire body, squeezing the air from my lungs.
I fought for breath, each heartbeat a struggle. I wanted to scream, to escape, but the strange mass held me, helpless and silent. My eyes rolled, burning as they rubbed against the shimmering surface. A heavy ache spread through my chest. Shadows crept in around me, a thick haze settling over my mind.
Sleep, my little Livy. The sudden, random memory of my father’s voice suppressed all thought, evaporating my resolve. One last beat of my heart, and darkness overwhelmed everything.
The first sentence of the second paragraph is confusing. The urgency and tension needed to start a story is not here. This might work later on in a story, but as a start it doesn't grab me enough to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI think this has potential. But I liked it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! ;)
I absolutely love the first sentence. It hooked me right away, just with the humor and frustration conveyed there. The problem I see is that it goes from the mild dilemma of not being able to draw a self-portrait into a startling deadly threat, without any real transition. I felt as if I had been taken away from the first story to an entirely different one. I assume it's all linked together somehow, but it was so jarring here that it pulled me back out again.
ReplyDeleteI love the first two sentences. They really hooked me. You pulled me into the story right away with your descriptions. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteI really like the first two sentences, and I was hooked. I got a bit confused around the fourth paragraph though. I felt like something important suddenly had happened, but I'd missed a couple of paragraphs in between.
ReplyDeleteI also loved the first sentence and the beginning paragraphs. Most people have taken art classes in school and can identify with the character's reactions.
ReplyDeleteThen she sees points of light and finds herself enclosed in a mysterious, suffocating mass. This part needs more work, maybe some realistic details -- she could grab her chair, knock her drawing pencils to the floor, slip on the rug -- something to help the reader make the transition from a real to a fantastic situation.
But hey, I would keep reading to see what happens next.
Hmmm - I love the first line, and overall I do love the idea of her not being able to draw herself. But it might need a little work. Like, for example, why can't she draw herself? Maybe instead of looking in the mirror or at the picture of her mother, have her uncrumple that page, smoothe it over and try to figure out how she can make it work.
ReplyDeleteIf she can draw other people - it obviously isn't an inability to draw. Maybe it's more about her not liking what the self-portraits look like? Like do they look like a photo from a picture book of death, etc...
Anyway - I want to be hooked, but I felt it needed just a little more.
I agree with Matril. I loved the opening. The writing was clean. There was no WHIZZ BANG, yet you still held my attention. I could relate to this kid.
ReplyDeleteAnd then things suddenly changed. We had the WHIZZ BANG but it didn't feel as strong as the beginning half. It didn't draw me in.
Maybe a slow transition between the mundane and the fantastic worlds would help? Maybe even going into more details about what is happening to her?
Still, the writing was good enough that I'd read on. And I do want to know what has happened to her, so I'd say I'm Hooked.
Wanted to be hooked, but there seemed to be a lot of disconnect in the first few paragraphs. Why is it so important that she draw herself? What do her eyes have to do with anything? I think cleaning up the first paragraphs would go a long way to drawing the reader into your story and characters.
ReplyDeleteI felt a bit lost -- I would actually like this to go a tiny bit more slowly -- I like Sam's suggestion to locate her in space while this bizarre thing is happening to her. Also, I need to know what the connection is between drawing herself and the tiny points of light (which might come in the next paragraph, for all I know).
ReplyDeleteI'm just not sure where it's headed so I'm not sure I'm hooked.
Interesting. I felt a little disconnect from the inability to draw herself to where the points of light appeared, but I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteThis is well written.
I was hooked until the points of light came... couldn't get the picture in my mind as to what was actually happening to her and you lost me
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. I was a bit confused with the line, "My hands fell away," but other than that, I thought it moved well, right into something I want to know more about. :)
ReplyDeleteI liked this. I kept my interest.
ReplyDeleteI thought getting an F for an imperfect self-portrait was hyperbolic, but then, she's a teen!
I would not keep reading. I had to fall back on the "over written" excuse, but the style feels a bit over written.
ReplyDeleteI'm on the fence here. There are some things I like to I'd probably read on a bit longer for sure.
ReplyDeleteI wrote a comment on this before, but I don't think it got processed by blogger. :S
ReplyDeleteI don't think the stakes are high enough in the story so far. You need to establish a conflict very early on where the events will have a significant life-altering impact on the main character. The 'I can't draw myself' plot is a nice one, but it isn't engaging enough.
Thanks, everyone, for taking the time to give me such fantastic feedback! You've given me a lot to think about. :D
ReplyDeleteAbby, can I just say that your comment to your commenters is a FANTASTIC response! I have had a very weird day, dipping in and out of here, looking to see what people thought about my bit and seeing what people thought about other bits and writing comments -- it's all quite intense really.
ReplyDeleteSo for you to come out with such a lovely thank you, well, it's really nice. And it brings me back to the essential point of this intense exercise -- which is learning about how our work is read. And (hopefully) using that knowledge to make it better.
I want to be hooked.
ReplyDeleteI think if you used a comparison or told what she thought was happening, it might make the transition to the silvery mass a bit less confusing. I too didn't know what I was supposed to see.
I liked the mystery of not being able to draw himself.
I really loved that first line. It caught me right away. I think you lost me when she started looking at herself in the mirror. It doesn't seem realistic and I'd like to see her do something else instead that would show her character.
ReplyDeleteWow, Francesca. Thank you! That totally made my day. I agree. It has been a very intense day, but a good learning experience. :D
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to say thank you to Authoress for all the time and effort you put into these contests. You're awesome!! I'm really glad I got to participate.
I really like this one :)I'm a YA junkie,and I love it when they hook me in the first sentence! Nice work!
ReplyDeleteI adored the first sentence, but then it seemed to go in a different direction. I'd read on, just in the hopes of more like that opener, however.
ReplyDelete