TITLE: In Darkness She Fades
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
“Today marks the end of the Mayan calendar – predicted to be the end of the world. Many religions and scientists believe the solar eclipse, which should take place in an hour, will trigger something in our atmosphere that will cause catastrophic storms all over the world.
Presently, meteorologists are astounded by the category 5 hurricane in the Atlantic Ocean, which has almost doubled the highest recorded hurricane, making this the largest hurricane of this century. A debate is brewing on whether to add a category 6, because of the colossal size of this storm. Now, while many spiritual people believe this to be the work of God, others say it’s happening because of global warming. Whatever the case may be, it is undeniable that tragedy is not far off.
Churches and temples all over the United States and Europe are holding prayer sessions for those fearing the destruction of humanity. The President of the United States has armed troops ready in case of terrorists who’re taking advantage of the global fear of an apocalypse.
Parents are taking their children out of school now, and many are evacuating the eastern states bordering the Atlantic Ocean. . . .”
Sixteen-year-old Delilah Drislore sat in the guidance counselor’s office, listening to the news, and waiting for the apocalypse to happen. While the school surrounding her erupted into chaos, her only thoughts were on him . His horrifying inhuman countenance entered her mind. Despite his beastly features, she loved him. Like Beauty loved the Beast.
I feel like your story started with the introduction Delilah, and then, I only had a paragraph to figure out what was going on. Not enough to be hooked or not.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I'm not a fan of starting with a news bulletin or anything like that. I want to see your character and there's not enough here for me to get to know her well enough to want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the first commenter that opening with the lengthy news quote isn't as hooky as character stuff. Perhaps if the news was trimmed to a few lines only, it could be more tantalizing for the reader, less explicit and more of a hint. Then I want to know why Delilah doesn't seem to care about the end of the world.
ReplyDeleteHmm... I'm the author.
ReplyDeleteI guess I need to move the news further into the first chapter, or later on in the novel.
Every comment helps!
I'm not a fan of opening with the news either, mostly because there's not personal connection with the main character.
ReplyDeleteBelieve it or not, my problem is my major disbelief over the news being delivered like that over the radio.
ReplyDeleteWhatever the case may be, it is undeniable that tragedy is not far off.
ReplyDeleteI think that's a really unlikely sentence to put into a news report. I'd suggest starting it with 'widespread panic', or calls for calm.
In the par about Delilah I assumed the 'him' was the guidnace counsellor..but maybe not. Don't like 'horrifying inhuman' - can we have some more detail?
It doesn't really hang together like this.
The news report doesn't sound like an actual news repoprt, and starting with it is sort of like starting with a dream, and falling in love with a non-human is making me think Twilight, and yet . . .
ReplyDeleteThere's something about it that does draw me in and I can't put my finger on it.
I'd read more--at least a few more pages to see if it kept my attention, and to see what you did with the whole end of the world thing.
I like your idea a lot, but I feel like too much is happening here for me to really be hooked. You have all the news and then the last paragraph just made me go... "Wait... what?"
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone. I think you're all right about the news report. I'll shorten it so I can get to the MC and her problems first.
ReplyDelete*By the way, I've never read Twilight, because I couldn't get past the first page.* Shh...don't tell anyone! LOL
I love end of the world stories... so I would probably read more... however, I was confused by the ending paragraph. Is she in love with her guidance counselor?? I know you may not want to reveal too much of who "he" is, but I initially thought "he" was her guidance counselor... which kind of creeped me out. : )
ReplyDeleteNo, Valerie, she's not in love with the guidance counselor (who's a woman)LOL. *That would be creepy*
ReplyDelete;P
She is thinking back to Halloween.
If I was able to put a few more sentences on my posting, it would have answered that question.
Oh, well. *Smiles* I like being critiqued.
Hmm, the premise is good and I love the sentence where we meet Delilah. I'm wondering if we can learn a little bit more about her before we find out about 'him'?
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading, and now after reading all of the above comments, I'd vote for a shortened news release. I liked the Mayan calendar, new hurricane 6 category, and parents taking their kids out of school. I don't know if the rest is necesary.
Hooked, but I'd like to read more about Delilah first.
I'm hooked, but on the basis that this really is the end of the world, otherwise I'd feel cheated. Also, as suggested above, definitely better to get into your mc's pov first and then maybe have the news programme interrupt with another update
ReplyDeleteI liked it a lot. I think it's fine to open with a news bulletin in an actual book, where you have more than 250 words to catch the reader's attention. I do think you could shorten it up quite a bit so the reader gets the impression that it's a humongous storm and then quickly transitions to the main character's thoughts.
ReplyDeleteNot quite hooked. I think if you started with the character and then moved to the news story it might pulled me in more. It looks like you're headed somewhere interesting, though. I'd probably read a little further to see what happens next.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I'd keep reading, if only to find out who "him" is. Or "he" is, to be grammatically correct.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading. I'm curious about the beasty boy. :)
ReplyDeleteLet me just add my vote to those who suggest shortening or removing the news bulletin. It is a fine setting for a novel, but I'd rather it come out more organically through the beginning of the book than have it all spit at me at once. I really didn't like "Like Beauty loved the Beast" (too obvious of a reference), but everything else about the last paragraph was good and caught my interest. Best of luck with this.
ReplyDeleteHooked. I think the news report could be tightened a bit, but I like beginning with it. I overheard a conversation about the world ending which sounded very much like this, so this came across to me as a very timely story. Loved the transiton to Delilah in the guidance office. Perfect irony.
ReplyDeleteWhat an intriguing concept. I personally love, love, love the beauty and the beast concept but maybe it's a little too early to tell us? Incorporate it into the story by showing and then let it come out later.
ReplyDeleteI'd admit the newscaster's comments threw me for a moment. I wonder if you could weave it into the action. Like its going on in the background and we hear snippets of it as everyone is prepping for evac. Just some ideas!
I like the concept, but you build up all this tension about the apocalypse, then you have Delilah sitting waiting for the apocalypse like she's waiting for a bus. It smashes all the tension you've built up in the previous paragraphs. If Delilah isn't worried about the apocalypse, why should we be? I'd take the advice of others to cut the news bulletin. Then the waiting for the apocalypse line will grab our attention rather than defuse tension.
ReplyDeleteThat's just my thoughts anyway!
Update: I took everyone's advice and edited out the last two paragraphs of the news bulletin.
ReplyDeleteI think it helped!