TITLE: Warrior Wench
GENRE: SF (Light)
“Where the hell is my ship, Skrankle?” Captain Vaslisha Tor Dain slammed the Ilerian salvage dealer against the crumbling wall and leaned hard on his neck. Swearing, she stepped sideways to avoid the putrid slime he oozed in self-defense. If he ruined her second favorite boots, she was going to do more than choke him. His round face turned deep purple, but that wasn’t too far from its normal reddish color. Although the dark blue patches weren’t probably good for him.
More orange slime dripped down the wall. Skrankle’s left front tentacle twitched out and tried pulling her hand away from around his fat neck. When that failed, he coughed, then spoke, “I told you, um, Captain, that the Victorious Dead is in slip five. Been there all month.”
Vas tightened the pressure on his throat until he turned yellow, then released him and let him collapse. “There is nothing in slip five, Skrankle- NOTHING. The Victorious Dead is missing. You were supposed to fix her. Not lose her!”
The Ilerian gathered himself and slithered to his desk. With a heavy sigh and very nasty sucking sound, he slurped into his chair. The rustle of bureaucratic skill that he demonstrated in calling up his vid-screen indicated he’d recover from her stranglehold. Unfortunately.
“Well, Captain, as you see,” he said while he frantically typed in a few more commands, “the Victorious Dead docked here twenty-nine days ago. Scheduled for decommission ten days ago…” His voice trailed off when his eyes read what shouldn’t be there.
I liked this, once I'd recovered from all the proper nouns in the first sentence. There's a few too many for my liking, though perhaps it's because I'm tired. I'd cut the Captain's full name (could you just say 'Captain' at the beginning?) and leave out the Ilerian descriptor. We'll figure out he's not human when he starts oozing slime and waving his tentacles. :-) Great descriptions by the way - I could really see him slithering around the room.
ReplyDeleteYou've got things going right away and I'm feeling like I'm with you in the action. Too many descritive words and adjectives for me, felt it was a little distracting. Maybe get rid of a few of them and I'd be fine. Fantastic world building right off the bat.
ReplyDeleteYou gave bits and pieces of description of the salvage dealer, but I had no idea what the guy looked like, or where the tentacles were coming from.
ReplyDeleteAlso he turned yellow while she was strangling him. I thought he would have gotten a deeper color like people do when they are being strangled...
And she had her one hand (around) his fat neck... ?
Just nitpicks here - I did like this after "The Ilerian gathered himself..." :]
I'm not a SF person, but I actually liked this. Good Job!
ReplyDelete(Title's kind of funny though.)
;)
I agree with Bron on the proper nouns starting out the story. I personally like easy to read/pronounce names. That said, I am hooked enough to read further.
ReplyDeleteIt made me giggle a lot - the title, the name Shrankle, the tentacles. If it was meant to be funny then it works, otherwise I think you need to look at the camp factor.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I liked how you got the description of Skrankle in there without straight out telling us what he looked like. I'm very interested in reading more.
ReplyDeleteI was definitely overwhelmed with the proper nouns in the first sentence and almost stopped right there. But as I continued i really liked the story you're building and would definitely read more
ReplyDeleteI agree about that first sentence. It was a tough one to read. And your last sentence falls into Skrankle's POV, but other than that, it was light and fun and I had the sense that I'd be in for a fun adventure.
ReplyDeleteAnd I loved the "Victorious Dead."
Hooked.
I love kick ass female leads in SF/fantasy, so I'd definitely keep reading. The world building is pretty subtle and effective, too.
ReplyDeleteLoved the opening phrase, but yea, the names were a mouthful. Lots of tricky three consonant blends- You might try Skankle (which is how I read it anyway) or Valisha, but then she couldn't be Vas later.
ReplyDeleteCould you just start it out as Vas?Its more personal that way.
Maybe Captain Vaslisha? or Captain Tor Dain, if it needs to be more formal. But you do tell us Captian later-(and that's a great line too.)
I suggest leaving off Iberian, for the moment. Work some of this in later-because your story seems really good and I'd hate for you to lose a reader because of a few tricky mouthfuls in that all important first line.
Loved the immediate setting you created without any 'telling' - I felt as if I was there in the room with them. Great intro and would certainly read on
ReplyDeleteI love the title. That alone would make me open the book.
ReplyDeleteHooked. With the exception of the slight overwriting in the first line, I really liked this.
ReplyDeleteNice writing. I'm not much of a SF fan, but I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI agree about the first sentence…it took me a while to wade through it. Other than that, I liked it a lot. I’m not a big SF fan either, but I’d continue reading.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff going on here. Liked the voice, the characters, the dialogue. A solid beginning to be sure.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence does pack a lot of proper nouns. You could have her slam the salvage dealer and then later qualify that he was Ilerian in the next sentence to help with that.
ReplyDeleteThe descriptions are vivid and give great impressions. I also love how strong Vas is. I'm hooked, I'd keep reading.
I'm hooked. Your voice has humor and I'd read on to see what happened to her ship. I agree with Barbara about this slip in POV at the end.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
I liked this. Right into the action with a strong female lead. I found the various use of colors humorous...giving your piece a light touch...Hooked...best of luck
ReplyDelete