TITLE: The Merrie Meghan
GENRE: Young Adult Fiction
I was born in the smoky slums of Derry, Nor' Ireland. My folks were lost to me early, which can tend to harden a lad, I guess. I was told I was unfit to live with my aunty, so they sent me off to an English boarding school where I played whipping boy to the headmaster. If I didn't eat, he beat me. When I barely could read, he beat me. When I fumbled my numbers, he beat me. When I ran away from the beatings they came and got me, and he beat me some more.
At first I accepted the beatings as my failure to conform, but nothing served to appease the man. The more harsh the treatment became the more I dreamt of my parents: My father, the proud Irish patriot who openly preached of freedom; my mother, the softly spoken persuader who matched his ardor with forethought and reason.
I would hear my pa calling out to me through the ringing in my ears, and envisioned his brave and sturdy form through the haze that clouded my eyes. I felt my mother's gentle hands deeply caressing my bruises and sores, her voice like a lullaby, peaceful and warm, encouraging me to be strong. Their message to me was unmistakable: "Run, my child, you must get away!"
I'm afraid I'm not hooked here. Too much tell instead of show. Even though I've been given information about the character and his/her background, I don't really 'know' him/her yet. Also, all the talk of beatings doesn't really draw me in.
ReplyDeleteVery confusing. I am not hooked. A lot of beatings creates tension, but the voice is jagged. The first sentence is a killer.
ReplyDeleteI'm with ajcastle on this one.
ReplyDeleteIt's more like the beginning of an autobiography rather than a novel because of the telling rather than the showing.
Plus, I'm not a fan of the stereotypical approach to English Boarding Schools = automatic beatings thing.
The story has potential. i think if you were to start with an incident rather than a distant view of the incident, it would work better. If that makes sense!
I'm a little hooked. I like the voice and the setting. I don't mind starting with back story if it's well written. I liked the images you evoked with "smoky slums" and "her voice like a lullaby." I'd give this another couple of pages to see where it is going.
ReplyDeleteBut. I'm wondering how an orphan boy from the slums gets sent of to English boarding school. Who's paying for it?
To me, this is more telling than showing.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
I'm sorry not hooked... this seems to be quite a lot of telling right up front. You don't want the reader waiting too long for the 'real' story to begin.
ReplyDeleteSomewhat hooked. Maybe you could pare down all of the backstory and the amount of abuse that he's enduring to a brief mention that he's a whipping boy and he has an urge to run away, even though he's failed before.
ReplyDeleteThis might be stronger if you focus on where he could go, rather than the memory of his parents.
Good luck - I see potential in this.
Irish characters talking in the first person are SUCH a minefield. For better or worse, suddenly they're jigging down a country lane in green coat-tails with a saucy wink and a b'gosh and a begorrah (and I say this as the daughter of an Irish born mother). I swear, even my mother's cousins are caricatures of themselves.
ReplyDeleteI wonder how this would work in the third person -- if it would help rid the story of sentimentality and leave more of the core behind.
But as things are, there's no story yet. Not enough reason to care. People being harshly treated only truly elicit our sympathy once we know them.
Where does the story really start? Is he about to run away? Could you start there and fill the rest in later? Put us in the present, in the action.
As a Brit I'd say I'd never heard of anyone talking about Nor'Ireland. Anyway I agree with everyone really - it's like a boring old man telling you his life story. Even if it were more active and descriptive I still think Irish misery lit has been done to death.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Francesca about where to start this - with the moment he either decides to run away, or the moment he actually does. Fill in the back story later. We'll care then, once we're attached to your MC.
ReplyDeleteAnd my first thought about the piece was similar to Sheila's. He's from the slums. How does he get to an English boarding school?
Sorry. Not hooked.
There were two logic pieces that didn't fit for me: one, as the other posters noted, that an Irish orphan from the slums goes to a boarding school. The other is that he has these memories of his parents as patriots and persuaders when he lost them at such an early age.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't hooked.
The voice intrigues me. I would keep reading for another few pages, hoping to see a) some more action and b) more showing.
ReplyDeleteHooked enough.
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ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I don't feel connected with the MC yet.
ReplyDeleteOk, so I actually did like the way you were writing, but I also don't feel like I know the main character, so I can't really have many emotions about him or what he's going through. Try opening it up with something less dull-sounding, and I'm sure that I'd be into it. Right now, I would probably read a couple more pages to see if the rest was worth my while, and I know how hard opening things up can be. Overall, not to shabby.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck! = )
Not hooked--which is a shame because the voice and writing is great.
ReplyDeleteHook me with a scene and then spoon feed me this same backstory and I'd be yours.
I have no idea what the time period is.
Not hooked. Too much telling.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked I'm afraid. Too much backstory right up front. I'd weave it in throughout and start with a moment in the characters' life that is life changing.
ReplyDeleteI like the writing, but this is 250 words of backstory. I need something to happen in order to be hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice, but I would like to see a hint of what action occurs to move the MC out of the current situation.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, unfortunately.
This is something where you either love the voice, or you don't. I don't, and that's just my own taste. So I would not keep reading, but I could see other agents disagreeing.
ReplyDeleteI thought there was too much telling and backstory for a novel, so I wasn't hooked.
ReplyDelete