TITLE: A Bloody Mess
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Anthony's shaking hand froze halfway to the door. He'd screwed up, there was no question of that. The only good part, if there could be a good part to a mistake, was that the punishment was up to his brother. Max would cut him some slack, he always did.
His knuckles stung with each rap on the heavy oak. It only took a second for it to open revealing Aimee, her slender, naked body glistening with sweat, teeth bared, cocking her head as if bored. "What?"
"He wanted to see me."
She glanced over her shoulder into the room and Anthony followed her gaze to the bed. The sheets were in constant motion, moans and squeals easily floating to the door.
"Feedin' or F***in'?"
She rolled her eyes and slammed the door shut. He knew she'd tell Max that he was there. Anthony still seethed at the thought of Aimee as a go-between. He never needed a messenger to speak to Max until his brother got his teeth into her. She must have tasted awfully good because she'd been by his side ever since. A f***in' nuisance as far as he was concerned.
An image of his hand wrapped tightly around her tiny neck was broken when the door opened. "He'll meet you in the stables in a half hour."
The door slammed and Anthony walked away until he heard the door creak open, a sliver of light escaping into the hall. "And Tony. Don't be late," Aimee said then the light disappeared.
I am interested in the storyline but there are a few problems.
ReplyDelete‘…shaking hand froze…’ Maybe his hand can do one or the other, but can it do both?
Skip some of the descriptions. Example; ‘teeth bared, cocking her head as if bored.’
Loved the ‘…image of his hand wrapped tightly…’ description but cut ‘tiny’.
Tighten the sentences, kill a few of the adjectives and this could be great.
Color me, semi-hooked.
Nice intro. Reading this leaves me curious to know what kind of mess Anthony has got himself into and whether his brother will actually give him a break this time or not. I'm a sucker for a good vamp tale - I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot completely hooked yet, but would probably keep going to find out about the mess Anthony's created.
ReplyDeleteThe opening paragraph draws the reader's interest. It sets up the brothers' relationship nicely and makes the reader wonder what Anthony did, and why Max is in charge.
ReplyDeleteIt only took a second for it to open revealing Aimee, her slender, naked body glistening with sweat, teeth bared, cocking her head as if bored. "What?"
Okay, first, it takes longer than a second for the door to open. And second, the "teeth bared" contradicts the bored head tilt.
The sheets were in constant motion, moans and squeals easily floating to the door.
I have a problem with the sheets being in constant motion. It conjures all sorts of creepy images about what's under those sheets. If there are people on the bed, why not just say so? And also, surely he would have been able to hear the moans and squeals before Aimee looked at them?
"Feedin' or F***in'?"
Who's saying the above line?
I like the next paragraph a lot. It gives us some more info about the brothers, but also makes me wonder who exactly Max is that he's feeding from Aimee. Vampire? And is Anthony a vamp, too? And is Aimee something more than a good meal since she's clearly changed Max's behavior?
An image of his hand wrapped tightly around her tiny neck was broken when the door opened.
Maybe replace tiny with skinny.
The door slammed and Anthony walked away until he heard the door creak open, a sliver of light escaping into the hall.
If the hall is dark and the room beyond the door is lit, Anthony should have noticed that for the reader before now.
Color me hooked. I want to know what's going on.
The Aimee character doesn't mesh with me because it is inconsistent. Anthony resents her and she seems to reciprocate but her last warning to not be late contradicts that and implies that she cares about him. Which I don't buy...unless this is the start of a setup?
ReplyDeleteAnd she can both bear her teeth and look bored at the same time.
I couldn't tell at first that he was knocking on a door. I was picturing a young adult after the first paragraph (I guess the idea of being punished by an older brother did that for me), and so I first read that knuckle thing as him being hit over the hand with an oak stick.
"It took a second for it to open" is passive.
Hard to tell who says the "Feedin' or x'in" line. Perhaps you left out "He's busy," Aimee said. Then I'd know the F&F line is Anthony's.
Anyway, I very much like the first and sixth paragraphs. And those have me wanting to read a bit more to see if the story can hold my interest.
Hooked! And I don't even like vampire stories. (I'm assuming Max is a vampire?)
ReplyDeleteThe writing could be cleaned up a bit. You might say he knocked on the door before his knuckles sting and just say the door opened,(showing) as opposed to 'it only took a few seconds (telling). Things like that. The story itself is intriguing and interesting.
Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest tightening up a few sentences and resolving some conflicting descriptions as suggested in previous comments.
Also, the first paragraph is good, but would have even more impact if rewritten to be less passive. Try to use more active verbs than "was" and I'll bet the paragraph will have much more impact.
This does the job – I’d keep reading. I’m interested in learning more about the relationship between the two brothers, and hoping that Anthony’s mistake is a big that can’t be so easily brushed off…
ReplyDeleteYes, I'd keep reading. Interesting tone. I think I'd like to know where Anthony is straight off, I don't know why but I assumed he was outside a house, that the oak door was a front door.
ReplyDeletei'm hooked because it's urban and this sounds like a vampire, which i can never get enough of (with THAT BOOK/MOVIE exception).
ReplyDeletea little tightening up, some of it felt a little over written with adjectives.
It only took a second for it to open revealing Aimee, her slender, naked body glistening with sweat, teeth bared, cocking her head as if bored.
It only took a second for it to open. Aimee appeared, her slender naked body glistening with sweat. Teeth bared, she cocked her head as if bored.
something like that.
I LOVED this opening - it had it all for me - danger, tension, conflict, other world and sensuality - dark and gritty.
ReplyDeleteI would love to read this story.