TITLE: Bowe's Major
GENRE: Contemporary Women's Fiction
Once she cleared the Ft. Collins city limits going north, Callie eased the gas pedal closer to the floor. The car practically leapt. It didn't handle like a European sedan, but it was tight and eager and it floated over the four-lane like a Cadillac. If she'd said that in front of Serrano, he'd gloat. "She's cherry, all rebuilt. A Cadillac could only wish to be a '57 Chevy." But she couldn't say it and he couldn't answer, because Serrano was dead. The whole team. Dead. All except for her.
Serrano had laughed when he'd told the team about this car. When his college graduation proved imminent, his dad had told him to pick a car. "Pick a car, any car." The way he'd said it reminded her of a carnival hawker. Serrano had said he'd considered the performance sedans, and had it down to either a 7-series Beemer or an Audi sportster when the classic '57 Chevrolet Bel Air in the Lexus showroom caught his eye. "It was love at first sight," he'd said, with a same hungry look in his eye a boy wore when he'd seen his first naked woman. "She's sweet, and hey, I saved him fifty grand."
The traffic thinned to nearly none as Callie chased the dashed white line to Cheyenne. She'd been driving his car, his baby, for more than an hour. She still hadn't cried.
I've got nothing for this except that I straight-up liked it. Hooked!
ReplyDeleteCan't figure out what's going on. Too much car info for me.
ReplyDeleteWouldn't she stomp on the gas pedal if she's running from a murderer or death?
How does Callie know what Serrano looked like the first time he'd seen a naked woman? Was she there?
Suggest using the first line to set up the MC's major problem.
I like this too. I'm a little tired of openings that are trying SO HARD to knock your socks off in the first sentence. I get that Callie is coming to grips with Serrano's death, and a decent bit about what both of them are like. I'd want some explanation to start in soon after this - to keep me hooked, but so far so good.
ReplyDeleteI love the emotions here. I'm definitely fascinated by the situation, although I am looking for explanations to come soon.
ReplyDeleteParagraph 2 did kind of lose my interest though, with all the car talk.
The opening paragraph packs a punch, (though I'd cut practically, but that's just me.) I really want to know where she's going and what happened to Serrano and the team. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph still has me, but I'm dangling by a thread. The action needs to move forward this early on to keep my interest, which it does successfully in paragraph three. So I think if you're going to keep the car stuff in, just pare it back a tad, but overall great job. I am hooked!
Yes, I found myself skimming over the car stuff too. The first and third paragraph keep my attention, but for that second one, I would pick one thing about it that you absolutely need and ditch the rest. You did re-hook me with the last sentence.
ReplyDeleteI love the car stuff, but I'm a car buff and personally knew a rebuilt '57 Chevy in high school, so I may be biased. The story rocks, too.I want to know more!
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with the car skim thing, but I do still love the names: Cadillac, Chevy etc. Perhaps because I'm not from the US. The language throughout the piece excellent, and I do feel like I'm 'in good hands' - that there is going to be a story here, that I'm not going to be disappointed.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first paragraph, but the second seemed like too much backstory too soon. Callie sounds like a stong woman, and I love that!
ReplyDeleteI dig this. I think you have a really great voice and I like your writing style. I went straight over the car parts as well but it did show that she really knew this person, that he would have used these words. She remembers the things he said. That makes sense that these odd memories and these facts would go through her head at a time of loss.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so far we've got a character, a car, a whole lot of car talk, even more car talk, some team is dead, what team, we have no clue yet, and it's been an hour since something happened, we think, but the character hasn't cried yet, but why she needs to we haven't a clue either...
ReplyDeleteFirst chapters are hard, I'll say that first. You need to pull the reader in with action, tell us who the main character is and why they are in the story. And all within the first few paragraphs.
Here, we learn way more about cars than the character, and we don't even know why? What kind of team is this? I know we'll find out if we keep reading, but so far, I'm not hooked - you've given me nothing to invest me in your character. The car I know, but is that really all that important right now? Can the car wait?
not hooked
I thought the sentences were a bit clunky. The point of view slides; actually I'm not sure if it's supposed to a flash back or a change in point of view, either way it got confusing. I got bogged down with the car stuff.
ReplyDeleteThere is some good emotion. It's not clear who the story is about. Is it Callie or the person who owned the car? I'm not really hooked at this point.
Pardon me while I go Stephen King on your second paragraph (get his book On Writing): Serrano had laughed when he'd told the team about this car. His college graduation imminent, his dad had said, "Pick a car, any car." The way he'd said that reminded her of a carnival hawker. Serrano had considered the performance sedans, and had it down to . . . . "It was love at first sight," he'd said, with the same look in his eye as a boy who'd seen his first naked woman. "She's sweet, and hey, I saved him fifty grand."
ReplyDeleteYou might consider moving this paragraph to later in the story, and focus on present action on this first page.
I really enjoyed this. On the first read through I was a little lost because of the car-speak, but on a second read I got it :)
ReplyDeleteI questioned whether Callie would 'ease' the gas pedal - I imagined easing off the pedal rather than accelerating.
I think you've given me enough information in the first paragraph to get a feel for the story, although I think it would've been clearer for me if you'd stated it wasn't her car in that first paragraph.
I like the word picture of the hungry look in his eye (I come from a family of car buffs & think that's a great description of their passion) although I wondered if rather than starting with "Serrano had laughed..." it would've been good to start with "Callie had laughed..." - that would place her in the centre of the action still.
I really liked the last paragraph and think you've definitely got me hooked. In the first 250-words I don't expect to know why she hasn't cried etc. I just need to get a feel for the story and I think I have that. :)
I really liked the promise of a story here. Sure, you could tighten up a few sentences, but the story is where it's at for me. I love the car stuff as you don't often see that in women's fiction. And I have a feeling there's more to this car than meets the first 250 words. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure about the flashback paragraph. We're less than 250 words into the story, and I want to move forward, find out what's going on, or what happened to the team. I couldn't care less (at this point) where the car came from.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree, there is too much car talk. That's pretty much all we have in this opening bit - a car, a dead man, and a fleeing woman. I am curious enough to read further though.
ReplyDeleteLove it. The writing itself is so well done that I immediately trust you to take me through this story. You got this scene working triple duty for you - we get the setting, Callie's recent history (which happens to be fascinating, what with her whole team getting wiped out, including Serrano whom she was obviously close with), and her emotional state. I want to read more.
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