TITLE: Stolen Dreams
GENRE: Urban Fantasy Romance
"Wake up."
"No," I grumbled into my pillow, pulling the blanket up to protect my warm skin from the chilly air.
"Wake up."
"Go away," I said with more force this time. Why I bothered was beyond me, ghosts never took the hint. Not if they were bold enough to come into my bedroom to disturb my nights rest. Still, I gave my best effort to ignore the voice presently chattering in my ear.
A silent moment passed.
Only to be disrupted a second later, the young girl's voice came again, high with annoyance. "Would you just wake up?"
With no way out, I hesitantly opened my eyes. A girl no older than thirteen of Latino decent sat on the bed next to me. Long dark curls rested against her Taylor Lautner t-shirt and bright excited black eyes peered innocently while a smile of pure teenage spirit beamed I know it all.
If this was anyone else, my only words to her would be, go suck a duck, but she's a kid―I couldn't turn a blind eye. "I'm awake," I said groggily, hoping my tone was softer than the irritation raging inside of me.
"Hi. I'm Clara," the young girl said as she gave a bounce on the bed. "Who are you?"
My gaze followed her excited movement, waiting for the confirmation I needed. Within one breath, my questions were answered. The bed stayed completely still regardless of the fact she was bouncing on it.
Oo, I love ghost stories!
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting enough start, but I think it needs work on the technical side of things. For one, you have a LOT of adjectives. I love me some adjectives, but having too many definitely tends to detract from the strength of the writing.
You also have some grammatically incorrect sentences, like:
Why I bothered was beyond me, ghosts never took the hint. - The comma here ought to be a full stop, colon, or semicolon.
Only to be disrupted a second later, the young girl's voice came again, high with annoyance. - The first comma here needs to be either a full stop, or a 'when'.
bright excited black eyes peered innocently while a smile of pure teenage spirit beamed I know it all.
I'm not entirely sure what you're saying here; the last part needs rephrasing.
You've got a bunch of telling that could be showing, like: Still, I gave my best effort to ignore the voice presently chattering in my ear.
[...] hoping my tone was softer than the irritation raging inside of me.
And things like that.
Then there are smaller mistakes: nights rest instead of night's rest, decent instead of descent, et cetera.
Parts are also overwritten. Go through your sentences word-by-word and see how you can cut words you don't need and strengthen the ones you have. For example... "pulling the blanket up to protect my warm skin from the chilly air" could be easily rephrased as "pulling up the blanket to hide from the chill". Same meaning, but more direct, with fewer words and zero adjectives.
All in all, I think you have a nice voice here, but it's buried under telling and overwriting, as well as some grammatical inaccuracies. I really hope you'll polish this up - I think it could be a lot of fun!
I agree with Corinne. You have a great voice but the work needs polishing. Also, I thought the ghost woke her up for a reason. When Clara asked, "Who are you," I was disappointed that she had nothing urgent to say. Still, I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteSuggest putting the MC's major problem, in this case a determined ghost, in the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteAlso, consider starting somewhere other than waking up...an overused setting.
blind eye is a cliche; choose another
show us the young girl
she bounced on the bed; don't need gave
suggest using stronger verbs than passive was and ing verbs
could be cute with revisions
Sure, there's a few grammatical errors but I think this is a great beginning to an interesting story. It's hard to get a lot of info in 250 words, but I liked the mental picture I got from what you posted and I would definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteThe opening lines left me disoriented. First, it was the beginning line being dialogue, which can be a great way to start in some cases. In this one, I was just left scrambling to figure out who was talking. The second line, I agree with the people above, it was a bit overdone; but nothing a little rewording couldn't fix. And just keeping your eye open for grammar errors.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I really liked this. You introduced the character's ability to see ghosts in a very casual way, as if it was nothing new to her. I loved that. I would definitely keep reading. I found it amusing how the child woke this woman up only to ask "Who are you?" it was very believable; kids will be kids.
Hooked!
ReplyDeleteI like the idea and I think you have something here. The "reluctant hero" is always a good MC, however, I assumed from the ghost's desire to wake your MC that she had something important to say. To follow that expectation with the question, "Who are you?" is a bit of a let down. Unless, of course, this is a running theme in your novel. (The ghosts pop into the MC's life with no idea why, etc.)
ReplyDeleteThere are definitely some technical issues at play ehre, but overall I think this is a case of 250 words not being enough to judge it properly.
I would read more if I could, so that's definitely a good start.
The quirky line "ghosts never took the hint" is enough to keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love how the protagonist feels that she needs to be nice to the girl ghost. This is a great beginning.
If I had to come up with some advice, I'd say, reconsider your adverbs. It'll make the writing even stronger.
I, too, was hooked at "ghosts never took the hint"
ReplyDeleteThis isn't my usual genre, but I would read it.
I think this is a great start.
I had to read that last paragraph a few times before I got your intent. Since we already know that Clara is a ghost, this doesn't have the impact I think you're going for. I was actually a lot more interested in hearing the answer to Clara's question - who is your main character that ghosts are constantly waking her up? You've got me curious - I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was a slow start but the last paragraph certainly hooked me.
ReplyDeletei like the voice in this,
ReplyDeletewant to know what this is about
would keep reading on
i somehow missed this one the 1st time through. kudos, you got SA's attention!