TITLE: Significantly Other
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi
When the military tells teenage telepath Ziv that violent aliens are on their way, deciding to help defend Earth is the easy part. Keeping her humanity while unleashing her strange gift on the race that gave it to her … that's tough.
Blades of grass brush my toes, forcing me to suppress a shudder. Textures like this still feel unnatural, wrong. Too irregular and unpredictable. I shouldn’t have worn sandals.
Despite my physical reaction, I continue across the school lawn. If I force myself to endure it enough times, maybe I’ll finally get used to it.
“Hey, Ziv!”
As I let Khalil catch up, his skin—darker than mine, but that’s not saying much—seems to radiate the warmth of the sun back out to the world. Not for the first time, I wonder if he finds my pale face as cold as I do.
The thought is interrupted by a tickle on my foot, different from the grass. A ladybug crawls across my toe, and I reflexively clench my fists, not letting myself fritz out.
Khalil stops and scrunches his brows. “What’s wrong?”
The ladybug flies off, and my hands relax. “Nothing, just stressing the civics test tomorrow.”
He smiles as we walk to the building. “I’ll bet a carb-bar you do just fine.”
My performance will depend on whether I give the correct answers, or the answers the instructor wants, but I keep that to myself.
Very interesting--I love the logline. You manage to get a lot of information into a very short space.
ReplyDeleteI like the different way that the MC experiences things, It makes it interesting, but I wish you had given me a couple of clues explaining it, so I can really get into her head.
Also, I was confused by the last sentence and had to read it a few times. I think it could use a body-language clue and be a little more concrete. Also, it feels weird that she doesn't know what she's going to do/hasn't thought about it before walking into the test. I would think that this is something she'd worry over. Consider something like: "My mouth twisted. Only because I was going to cave and give [name] the answers she wanted instead of the truth. [follow-up thought on how this makes her feel]" Except appropriate to her character and waaaay better :).
Great work and good luck!
Great, concise logline that greats a lot across - genre and voice included!
ReplyDeleteI like the entry, and my favorite bit would have to be the idea of the MC's "cold face" in contrast to the male's "warmth."
Her "otherness" shows already.
I hate that feeling of having sensitive feet! I'm into this character's tactile-defensiveness, haha. :) The only part that threw me was the carb-bar. I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteIntriguing premise, and I really like the voice. Very airy and otherworldly. I like that you use little subtle differences (fritz out) to show her internal difference, but then she uses language that blends in well with the other students.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely read on.
I absolutely LOVE the logline. You got voice and the premise in two sentences. Awesome.
ReplyDeleteSome great writing in this. Love the carb-bar line.
Great job! I would totally read this ;o)
Logline: So, is she part alien? Was she given this gift somehow? How does she have this gift, and how did they give it to her? More questions than answers, here; I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
ReplyDeleteExcerpt: This confused me a little, because it makes me thinks the telepath-ability is a secret. If the military (excerpt) knows about it, then her strangeness can't be a secret, and she shouldn't be hiding her reaction to things like grass.
I'd give this a little longer, but I might pick it up.
I love that you leave questions to make me read more. They're just the right ones. I understand her choice and her dilemma, but I don't know all the details. I can't wait to see how many bids you get. I'm waiting anxiously to buy all of your books.
ReplyDeleteGood job. *fingers crossed*
- Blades of grass brush my toes, forcing me to suppress a shudder. Textures like this still feel unnatural, wrong. Too irregular and unpredictable.
ReplyDeleteZiv's reaction to grass really set me aback, because I personally luxuriate in going barefoot on grass. I think "unnatural" confused me the most, since grass is a part of nature, after all. (And I assume we're not all that futuristic if they're not using some kind of turf instead?)
"Irregular and unpredictable" suggests an incredibly heightened physical sensitivity, though, and that really got me thinking on the significant "otherness" of Ziv. =) So I'm torn about this opening; it gets right to the heart of what makes the protag unique, but I found it personally off-putting.
- I shouldn't have worn sandals.
This is the sort of thought that makes me frustrated with characters. If Ziv shouldn't have done it, why did she? I'd prefer something more along the lines of "That's why she hates sandals," and a speedier mention of the building-up-tolerance hope in the next paragraph.
- As I let Khalil catch up, his skin—darker than mine, but that’s not saying much—seems to radiate the warmth of the sun back out to the world. Not for the first time, I wonder if he finds my pale face as cold as I do.
This seemed a little too deliberate in terms of introducing me to Ziv's skin color, something that's a little odd to linger on if it's a known fact. She's different enough that I could actually believe that she compares complexions every time she sees him, but it really breaks up the flow of encountering an old friend. Notice that she doesn't say hi back. Also, I was a little uncomfortable with seeming correlations between skin color and inner warmness.
- A ladybug crawls across my toe, and I reflexively clench my fists, not letting myself fritz out.
Hmm, the reflex would be fritzing out. Clenching her fists seems more like a coping mechanism against that reflex.
- Khalil stops and scrunches his brows. “What’s wrong?”
Stops coming closer? Or would he finish approaching in concern?
- My performance will depend on whether I give the correct answers, or the answers the instructor wants, but I keep that to myself.
Ha! Oh, so true. Makes me like her despite the earlier disconnect.
Great logline. With few words you set up the conflict and even add a little voice.
ReplyDeleteI totally get your excerpt. I'm not confused at all. She's different, other. I think using the feel of the grass and the ladybug on her feet is the perfect way to show this oddness without too much telling.
I did pause at the comparison of skin color, but only briefly. I don't think it's a race thing, it's just another way that Ziv is different. I'm assuming most if not all people in your world are darker in skin tone than Ziv.
If I wasn't hooked before, the last line did it. Now, I have to know why the correct answers are not the answers the teacher wants. What does Ziv know?
Hooked!
Love it! The logline pulls me right in.
ReplyDeleteI like her reaction to the grass - right off letting me know she's different. Well done!
Definitely hooked :)
Fantastic logline! That alone makes me want to read more :)
ReplyDeleteOn the first page, you do a great job showing her otherness. We can tell right away that her reactions are not like ours making her seem "other" but in a relatable way. Well done!
Good luck!!
I like the ideas here and the hint that she'll be fighting against her own alien people to protect the human world. Sounds like there will be some interesting emotional conflict!
ReplyDeleteIf the grass and textures bother her so much, and she's not brand new to earth, I don't understand why she would've worn sandals (except, of course, to show us readers how she responds to it). Is there maybe another way to get this message across that doesn't make me question her choices?
I like the subtle use of different words like carb-bar to set the time and place. The skin threw me off a little bit because I thought you meant they were both quite dark-skinned, and then she mentioned her pale face.
I think most tests hinge on giving the correct answers, so I'm not sure why she'd keep that to herself, unless she meant that the answers the instructor wants are not the correct answers.
Sounds really different and interesting. I'm curious about her telepathy--since it sounds like a lot of the story hinges on it, does that come up in the following pages? Wish I could read them!
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ReplyDelete#26 SIGNIFICANTLY OTHER
ReplyDeleteLogline: I’m immediately interested in the difficult spot Ziv is clearly in, and like the set-up for a supernatural/sci-fi concept.
Line notes: I like the tactile sense expressed in these opening lines. Good use of description to invoke mood and setting.
I found the last line confusing rather than intriguing, as I suspect it was intended. Might just be a sentence clarity thing, but be sure that you’re making the distinction between “correct” answers vs. “desired” answers? This might be the key to SHOWING that your mc has telepathic ability, secrets, etc.
Overall: I’m interested in the concept and see promise in the writing, though I wish this opening was a bit sharper for maximum impact.
What the heck? This one is awesome. I want to see it in book form. It's okay though; she'll get an agent someday. I just know it! But she better hurry up so she can leave more room for me in the slushpile!
ReplyDeleteI like the logline and your writing is nice and flows well, and I'm intrigued why she's freaked out about the grass and ladybird. My only quibble is I think you could choose a more arresting place to start your story, I like to see more happen on a first page.
ReplyDeleteOh and forgot to say I really like the title!
ReplyDelete