TITLE: Ragdoll
GENRE: YA Dark Contemporary w/ magical realism
My dolls haunt me. They jump inside me and make me write things I don’t want to write. Things I don’t need to remember. I try to ignore them, but it doesn't do any good. They’re haunted and haunted things like to scare you.
Ouch.
Mother safety pinned a butterfly bookmark to this journal. It’s her way of saying she speaks my language, that she’s on my level. I wear safety pins in everything. But I have a secret for you, Mother dear. You’ll never speak my language and I’ll never speak yours.
I remember the night you gave me to demons. I’ve been possessed by them, I have been their possession. They cast an invisible spell; they blind the eyes of people around you so people don’t see them in the same light as you. But I know their light well. It’s aged and filled with ancient screams. The minute it touched me, it shrouded me forever.
God. This blood’s getting everywhere.
ragdoll
i crinkle to life when her blood spills. i move in red and breath. she doesn’t see me and she doesn’t know that i see. i am her childhood doll. i’ve seen since we first found each other. she was four. that was twelve years ago. i’ve been around a lot longer. i don’t know how long. i only remember the smell of smoke and turpentine, the taste of oiled cinnamon, the feel of hard straw and needle pinch as it sewed on each stitch of mouth and coarse yarn hair.
Start here. "i crinkle to life when her blood spills."
ReplyDeleteRiveting. This is brilliant, dark writing that sucks the reader in. I have no suggestions for improvement.
ReplyDeleteAgreed completely with SB24 on the starting point. The beautiful writing draws me in and I love the idea of hearing part of the story from the doll's perspective.
ReplyDeleteI would read on.
I like your first line, and your passage has a great haunting quality to it. One constructive criticism is that I don't get a real sense of time or place. I also wanted to know why the main character wears safety pins. I was a little confused if she pricked herself on purpose to evoke the "ragdoll" possession or if it was accidental. I was a little confused by the ragdoll passage as well - "she doesn't see me and she doesn't know what I see." - The main character knows she's haunted by her dolls, but isn't aware of who/ what takes over? It borders on confusion for me, but I'd keep reading a little further to see if any of the details are ironed out.
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ReplyDeleteI liked the ragdoll's perspective. So I would read on. The first bit was a tad dramatic for my personal tastes.
I read this sentence three times and still not sure I fully understand it —
They cast an invisible spell; they blind the eyes of people around you so people don’t see them in the same light as you.
I guess the first five times I read it I was thinking about the adage 'seeing someone in a different light', meaning a different way. Now, as I write this, I finally thinks it means she doesn't see them at all. I wonder if it confused others. Perhaps they could bend the light around themselves or use the words not visible.
Good voice, keep writing,
Bill
I think it's a wonderfully creepy passage, especially since dolls really do creep me out.
ReplyDeleteI agree with librarygiraffe in that I was confused as well. I think it's the passage about the mother that interrupts the flow of the story-not sure you need to mention it right now.
I also questioned why she summoned the demon she didn't know and why she'd want to be possessed by it. She seems pretty aware and not completely taken over.
This sounds like a great story.
The first line starting things off with a very captivating hook. As the paragraphs progressed, I'm sorry...but I got lost. I tried re-reading a few times but couldn't quite settle with the MC...perhaps that was intended?
ReplyDeleteThough the suggestion to begin with ragdoll is is a great one. The first line of that paragraph is just as gripping.
I liked the dark feel of this, but didn't think the paragraph that starts I remember the night adds anything at this point.
ReplyDeleteWhat an interesting premise for a book. It's very old school Twilight Zone. I have to agree with previous comments--I was very confused. I reread a few times and still wasn't hooked. You have stark, descriptive prose, but I think you sacrifice clarity. I would suggest toning it down a bit to make the story clear while keeping the feel of the story.
ReplyDeleteWow! WHat a lot of creepy, eerie stuff here. I so wanted to love it, but I'm afraid I don't get it. I agree with acitte that you've sacrificed clarity here.
ReplyDeleteI’ve been possessed by them, I have been their possession. - Both clauses say the same thing.
But I know their light well. It’s aged and filled with ancient screams. The minute it touched me, it shrouded me forever. - But how does 'light' shroud her? Might it work better if it does something to her related to aged, ancient screams?
she doesn’t see me and she doesn’t know that i see. - But she does see the dolls, and she does know they see her.
i’ve been around a lot longer. i don’t know how long. - If she doesn't know how long she's been around, how does she know it's longer than 12 years?
THe tone you've created here is what I think captures the reader. It's very nicely done. Perhaps work at making it as clear as it is creepy.
It has been some time for me to have much-loved a naturally strong voice that has the effect of reaching out and gripping my attention. You've done that here! Very poetic. The MC seems an authentically wounded soul, passionate to be heard. There is a developing, believable conflict here tightly held within family bonds between mother and daughter, yet high in concept and innovation where it appears you will be taking a huge chance at getting our emotions drawn to the MC in a new way. Can you do it? I want to see how this turns out for that reason and for the genuine masterful writing skills that you seem, so far, to possess. If I were you, I'd ignore the comments regarding any confusion within this beginning. Also, considering this story is contemporary and not paranormal, I'm assuming she's mentally unwell, yes? It's apparent that this is a young girl writing in her journal which I assume is in her bedroom from the mention of her dolls. I see a NASA liftoff here! It might be a little smoky for a few seconds, but then BAM, gone!!
ReplyDeleteI found the first paragraph to be telling rather than showing, which tends to put me off, even when it is so dramatic.
ReplyDeleteYou've introduced two antagonists in this passage, the mother who sold the MC, and the creepy dolls. This is a lot, so I had the impression that you were trying to cram as much tension in the opening as possible. This could backfire as you've placed your cards on the table, and the reader already knows Mama's somehow behind it all. My suggestion would be to stick to the dolls.
As I was reading, I thought the doll's voice was stronger and more menacing and wondered if the opening could benefit from starting with that- and I was gratified to see others making the same comment.
Overall, you've piqued my curiosity.
too scary for me. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteVery creepy, intriguing set-up. The concept of doll possession is so compelling that you might want to lead with the doll’s POV for a few lines, then segue into your main character’s POV. As this stands, your MC’s descriptions of her possession were vague and at times confusing – if she is being possessed by the dolls, would she even be aware of it or be able to ignore them? The fourth paragraph also threw me off – I assume she is talking to her mom, but since she also refers to “you” as the reader earlier on in paragraph one, this is unclear.
ReplyDeleteI might also recommend introducing her mom later on – you have a lot going on between the possession, the pin pricking and the doll’s POV already, and we need to be on board with your MC before we get into the rest of the story.