Thursday, April 10, 2008

Are You Hooked? First Page #10

Cracker Jacks, sweet caramel coated popped corn, mingled with crunchy peanuts to create a flavor explosion in your mouth. A bounty hunter's ambrosia, my favorite all time snack and the only benefit to working a case on Earth, the Loony bin of the universe.

I fished the toy surprise from the bottom of the box. Some of my snack spilled onto the cold concrete floor of the abandoned sanatorium. The cellophane wrapper crackled as I tore the package open with my teeth. Please be a tattoo. I peeled the red and white cover open and revealed my prize.

Sweet! I licked the back of my hand and stuck the picture down, pressing hard.

"Lexi." My ear com crackled.

What now? I'd been standing here for half the night and the slime-sucker hadn't so much as jumped out to say boo. Did Nicco really think I needed another update to the dismal night? I was seriously beginning to doubt if the target was here.

"Coming your way in forty-five marks," Nicco said.

I dropped my Cracker Jacks and pulled my breech-loaded, gas-fired, neural neutralizer up to my shoulder. Great. That was a new box.

So many things make my job worth getting up in the morning. This wasn't one of them. I could think of a hundred things I'd rather be doing. Yeah, lying on a beach working my toes into some blue sand topped the list. I pressed my back against the damp plaster wall and counted slowly in my head. No ocean breezes here. Thirty marks…

9 comments:

Merc said...

*snickers* I think I've told you what I think on this...

YES.

Still not sold on the opening w/ re to cracker jacks, but when you have bounty hunters and slime monsters coming up fast, I'm willing to forgive a little.

*hearts bounty hunters*

Ta,

~Merc

Karen Duvall said...

YES! An engaging voice and interesting situation hooks me every time.

LMT said...

Yes. But I think the cracker jacks line in the beginning it too long. I would work bounty hunter in to the first sentence.

I think it's great!

LMT

Angela said...

The opening I think could be a lot stronger (the cracker jack angle didn't do anything for me as written), but the voice sounds very, very good. play with the opening a bit and I'm hooked.

Arlene said...

And here I go, stirring the waters.
I'm hooked because of the cracker jacks. Its a great visual for me, I can almost taste that carmel. Throw in the bounty hunter by the second line and add in looney bin to wrap, I'm liking every word.
I would like to know another word concerning that toy prize, what the tatoo is.

Anonymous said...

Yes, hooked.
And the cracker jack angle is what grabbed me--it was such a contrast from what I would expect the narrator to be doing. Smoking? Yeah. Getting excited about a temp tattoo? Not so much. So I liked that it let me see into the character. I would read more.

Anonymous said...

Yes from me. I found myself smiling a lot. Good hook here.

Yuna

Anonymous said...

Definitely a yes here. Love the voice, love the cracker jack angle, love the style. Very nicely written indeed.

Authoress said...

The voice is just right for a scifi! The only reason I'm not personally hooked is because I have trouble getting into scifi lit. I would need more than just one page to draw me in. So in light of that, and because the voice is so "just right," I'd probably opt to see a few more pages before making a decision!

(Epiphany: Could this be what agents mean when they say, "Not right for me?")