Thursday, November 13, 2008

15 SECRET AGENT: Are You Hooked?

Title: Travelers
Genre: YA fantasy

The memories flashing through my mind were not my own. I recognized them, but they were not familiar; like old photographs, they were worn around the edges and the colors muted to sepia tones. It wasn't really me in any of them.

The only thing I knew for sure was the time-travel that had dumped me here had not been my idea.

The place was familiar—the musty smell of rotting hay in my grandfather's barn was one I knew no matter where, or when, I was. Sunlight streamed through the chinks between the rough boards behind me, catching the swirling dust in its rays.

Stepping out of the shadows, I realized I was not alone. A man was sprawled in one of the stalls. I edged forward quietly, though something told me he couldn't hear me. It wasn't until I was standing over his prostrate form that I understood why; two small holes pierced his shirt, oozing blood onto the bare earth below him.

My hands hit the ground with my knees; I winced against the sudden pain. Burns on my fingers were starting to blister white and throbbing. I had no idea how I'd gotten them.

No, that wasn't true. I looked back to where I'd been standing and could see the gleam of a muzzle in the dust. I'd been holding the gun. I'd been the one to pull the trigger. Twice. Heat from the old-fashioned weapon had seared my hands.

I fought to remember why.

10 comments:

sraasch said...

Woa! Lots going on. Consider me hooked.

Marne said...

Gosh, this is a neat premise... time travel and the protagonist not knowing what happened...
But I couldn't really see past the passive (telling) writing to get hooked in the story.

Windsong said...

I really liked your description. I'm about halfway hooked--curious enough to read on, but not sure. Something that might add umph to the memory part would be to maybe have a memory and then add the lovely description.

Sarah Erber said...

Wow! I'm hooked!

Sponge said...

Ah - I saw this one before. I'm still hooked. ;]

Andie Knight said...

Hooked! I was thinking it all seemed a bit familiar, but then the gun came into play.

slhastings said...

Coolio! I like it.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Interesting. I'm sitting on the fence though a slight breeze might blow me towards intrigued.

I enjoyed your descriptions. I felt like I was there.

I was suprised it was listed as fantasy. I thought time travels were considered Sci Fi. But since I don't really like Sci Fi, what would I know?

Lori said...

Much better draft than the one last posted--tighter language and a definite homing-in on the tension. I did find it a bit odd though that the unnamed narrator remembered he/she was time traveling, but not why she was holding the gun. But yes, I'd keep reading to see where this was doing.

Secret Agent said...

It's too passive voice for me. Additionally, I'd like to see the ideas in the paragraphs tie together better.

Nope, not hooked.