Thursday, November 13, 2008

24 SECRET AGENT: Are You Hooked?

TITLE: Legends & Heroes: The Last Mage
GENRE: Fantasy

With a deep breath, Lusa pushed forward into the dark mouth that was the entrance to the temple. The sun sunk below the auburn canopy of trees, dappling light into the gloom foyer. Now or never, Lusa.

The Dark Magics within her ached for the touch of the cold stone wall. Ached to let the temple tell her its secrets. Ached for it to give her the memories she should have of this place.

A cool breeze swept through the entryway and tugged at the folds of her tattered cloak. She pulled her hand away from the wall, her eyes subconsciously moving to the dagger sheathed on her belt. She didn’t think she could handle being attacked again by memories, if the temple was indeed linked to her past . . . not twice in one day. The headache from earlier still simmered in the back of her skull. It would give her answers. But it’d be an experience unimaginable to every sense in her body. Not something she wanted to endure again if she could help it.

With a forced swallow that felt like she’d just inhaled a fistful of sand, Lusa moved forward, sending forth the invisible tendrils of Dark Magics. A second search for any life forms wouldn’t hurt. The power filled her inner core; comforted her . . . soothed her. The Magics’ tainted whispers of the ancient tongue tickled her ears. They returned to her with no life presence found.


  1. Good job on this first page. The particular details you include give an air of suspense and put me on the edge of my seat. So you've "hooked" this reader. I would continue on...

  2. Beautiful. You painted a lovely picture with your words.

    I'm hooked.

  3. I love the line where her breath feels like swallowing sand. I'm not quite hooked by Lusa, but I'm interested in the idea that Dark Magic is "tainted" and yet its use comforts here. That's an excellent conflict setup.

  4. Hmm... I'm interested, but not entirely hooked. I would read on a little bit though to see if there is something else that hooks me.

  5. I would have to agree with all of the other commenters.

    Good Job!

  6. I giggled when I saw this post :) As expected, I am hooked! (though I might be a bit biased from the Absolute Write forums...)

  7. GREAT opening! Tension, conflict, strong character voice—yeah, I’d definitely keep reading!!!

  8. I liked this but the second line put me off. I think "sunk" should be "sank" and "gloom" should be "gloomy" so when I stumble like that so early it's hard for me to pull myself back and pay attention to what the character is doing.

    The second paragraph is beautiful.

    The third, I'm wondering why she looks at the knife when she remembers being attacked by the memories. Are they something she can fight off with a knife.

    It's intriguing and prettily written. I would keep reading.

  9. I really like the dark atmosphere. There are some nice word pictures here. Work on tightening your prose by getting rid of extra prepositional phrases: into the, was the, to the, for the... you use these more than necessary. Example of a suggestion for your opening line: Lusa took a deep breath and pushed forward into the temple's dark mouth. You don't need to say entrance. Leaving it as just a dark mouth makes it more mystical, IMO.

  10. A little too much aching going on. :-)

    A tad melodramatic for me. Not really hooking me.