Thursday, November 13, 2008

26 SECRET AGENT: Are You Hooked?

Title: The Grifter's Daughter
Genre: Commercial Fiction
“Don’t this thing have air?”

I glanced at the bony little man complaining; my father, Leroy, “Pops” Amadeus Logan. He was slouched in the black bucket seat of my brand new old Ford, arms hugging his chest.
A 1965 fully restored Mustang convertible, fire engine red with leather interior, chrome dash, three speed manual with overdrive, you could get a speeding ticket parked at the courthouse. They just didn’t make a better getaway car.

“Quit your bitchin’, Pops. This here’s the open road.” I chinned to the highway through the windshield. “And that there’s freedom.”

“Damned hot, this freedom.” He broke out the smile that had charmed so many wardens, twisted around to touch one of the large cases in the back, caressing the smooth mocha leather. “One point one million dollars. I never had a score like that my whole life.”

“Neither have I, Pops,” I said, trying to keep the giddy elation from my voice. Honestly, if we weren’t driving I’d be dancing in the street.

The scenery outside whizzed past, barely noticed. Fields of seed rows waiting for spring to become green again, blue sky above, gray ribbon of the Ohio Turnpike in front and back.
The temperature had reached eighty and we weren’t even past nine in the morning, hence my father’s complaints.

On the lam, five hours out of New York City, heading nowhere, the sun rising behind us cast a giant shadow to the west. We drove after the shadow as if it was a destination we could never each, like Moses near the Promised Land only, you know, crooked.


  1. Loved this! Awesome character voice! The only thing that threw me was the 'broke out the smile line' that feels like it needs an 'and' after wardens.

  2. Loved your voice! I would read on because of that and I'm curious to know what happens next.

  3. *grins nervously* Another sub starting off with car talk... B]

    No.... I'm sorry. But I'm sure that's just because this isn't my genre.

  4. This kind of genre is not my cup of tea.

    However, you do have a great voice!

  5. You had me at Grifter. (And the car talk makes sense!)

  6. Great voice. I'd read on.

    "Pops" is a well-drawn character already -- bravo!

  7. I read on--this sounds like it's going to be a fun ride! The only thing that caught my attention was the dialogue; it felt a little heavy (for lack of a better way to put it). It's probably just me, but thought I'd mention it, for whatever it's worth. :-)

  8. I REALLY like the narrative voice here, a well as the character dialogue. It seems genuine and real for these characters, and I would definitely read on. I would, however, recommend adding a bit more tension to this scene. They’ve just stolen $1.1M. Are they afraid the cops are coming after them, or fear other kinds of retribution?

  9. It isn't my type of genre but I'd keep reading because of the voice so I guess I'm hooked! You do have one typo "never each" I think should be "never reach" unless I missed something?

    But yeah, the car talk wasn't so bad, and I love Pops he sounds like he's going to be fun!

  10. I loved the voice and would read on.

  11. Ha ha! I'd read on because you have an interesting narration voice. *hides* I have to say that I was going to tell you to cut the car talk until I read the other comments. I guess that's just for some people and not for others. Loved the last line.

  12. I agree with Lori - great narrative voice but a distinct lack of tension.