Thursday, November 13, 2008

31 SECRET AGENT: Are You Hooked?

TITLE:Demigoddess 101

Am I Going Crazy, or Was That a Toga?

I know it sounds ridiculous, but from all the hoopla I've heard about
sixteenth birthdays, I half expected a chorus of angels to sing me
into this new era of my life. You know, something special. Something
just for me. But the logical side of me knows that I'll open my eyes
and see nothing more than the same old blush pink that's desperately
clung to my walls since my 'I'm a pretty pink princess' kick when I
was five.

Of course, my logic wins out. I'm greeted by the cheery, if fading,
pink. As soon as my eyes become accustomed to the retina searing
combination of wall/jovial brilliance of the morning sunlight, the
reality sets in. I have two final exams on what should be a glorious
day. So instead of a day gallivanting in the sun celebrating the most
special of birthdays, I'm stuck slaving over a standardized test that
will prove nothing more than my ability to regurgitate facts.


With a sigh and a stretch, I get out of bed and stare out at the
world. I know what I'm going to see. A couple of oak trees, the
street, maybe a glimpse of the sky if the wind is blowing the branches
and its accessorizing foliage just right.

This morning I notice a scarf dangling off of the second oak. I have
to admit I'm a bit confused as I watch it twisting and turning,
dancing in an unseen breeze. It's not like I routinely go around
decorating my trees with accessories.


  1. I like this, and I like the MC's voice. The wall/jovial line confused me a bit--I'm not sure what you're trying to say.
    Also, is this novel in present tense the whole way through? You don't usually see that as much, but more power to you for trying it!

  2. Oooh, I love the voice of this! Great job! I think this is very timely considering those awful "My Super Sweet Sixteen" shows on MTV. And here, your MC secretly wants that. It makes her incredibly likable that no, she's just stuck in her old pink bedroom. Very real.

    I'm confused what "toga" has to do with anything? She thinks she's seeing a toga instead of her pink walls? This has me confused.

    I'd keep reading, though!
    Good luck!

  3. Um... was the "Toga" part the chapter title? I was reading it like it was the first sentence. Okay, now I get it... :)

  4. Love the voice and the writing is great. I'd totally read more.

  5. I really like the MC's voice here. I'd definitely read on.


  6. I loved your voice and the first line hooked me. I'd read more!

  7. One of the great pet peeves of many agents (including myself) are books that begin with the protagonist waking up and thinking. It rarely does anything to drive the story forward and that's the case here.

    I do like your voice but this sample wouldn't compel me to read any further.

    Additionally, I found the toga sentence at the beginning confusing.

  8. Yes! First of all, I'm tickled by the chapter title. You also have a great voice here.

  9. I think this need more tension, or dialogue, or Action.

    It just didn't hook me.

    However, you have good writing and a good MC, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

    Keep writing!

  10. I loved the voice and was curious to see how the wonderful day pans out for the protagonist. I'm assuming there will be conflict.

    I'm also confused by the toga, but I have a feeling it's one of those thing that the reader will soon learn the relevance to shortly...I hope.

  11. I had a hard time believing the MC was 16. She seemed more like 19-20 from her very wise/vivid/witty descriptions of things. I did like the voice though!

  12. Everything but the last paragraph is thoughts, rather than actions. The (woefully unnamed) character is laundry-listing details of her life for us. Nothing is happening. There’s no sense of plot or conflict. Just a teenager whining, and not being a very sympathetic character, IMHO. I’d recommend starting with her finding the scarf in the tree, since that seems like a potential plot thread.

  13. I think you could start a little later as well, but honestly, I found myself giggling in the end. I love the voice. Great job.