Thursday, November 13, 2008

33 SECRET AGENT: Are You Hooked?

Title: “Love? Please! (A Tale of the Holy Water Warriors)

Genre: Paranormal Romance

Great. Just fan-friggen-tabulous. Not even halfway through her shift and Teagan had an a**-grabber.

Another one.

Of course, that was why she'd gotten this table of five. The girls had named her “The Enforcer” for a reason.

She'd let him play for a was just a body, after all. But soon, he'd pay.

"Can I get you boys anything else?" she asked, setting a Corona in front of each of them.

The Friday night band sang "Friends in Low Places," and a few patrons whooped or sang along. Lively crowd tonight. Good tips. Everyone was lookin' for love.

Blondie, the man sitting across the table from where she stood, smiled and tossed down a hundred dollar bill. "Tequila shots?"

Mr. Hands, on her left, inched his grope further up the backside of her inner thigh. If he went any higher, he'd be fondling parts of her only seen by her doctor and her vibrator.

She snapped her teeth into a grin, ignoring Mr. Hands, as she pulled the Jose Gold from one holster on her costume gun-slinger's belt and six shot glasses from the other hip. Between the rowdy saloon atmosphere and the waitress costumes-- leather vest, gunfighter's belt over short-shorts, Stetson cowboy hat and boots--it was no surprise Tommie's Knockers drew the largest crowd in the Canyon.

"If you're buying one for me too, sugar," she said. When he nodded, she twisted the cap off the bottle, pouring tequila into each glass before sliding them around.


  1. I'd definitely read on. I like the narrator.

    My only nitpick: at the beginning, she lets the guy grab her beacause "it was just a body, after all" but then says he'll pay--like she's mad about it. You might say he should pay for something specific (having a big ego, taking what isn't his, etc) or just decide which tone she'll take about the butt-grabbing--nonchalant or retaliatory.

  2. Sorry, not really into romance. I think you have a good voice, but there was a little more (the grabbing) detail than I prefer. :$

  3. This is very good. Great opening line, tight writing, strong voice. I would definitely want to read more of this manuscript.

  4. No.... I'm sorry. Not my thing. x[

    That said - your character has a great voice, and this is strong writing.

  5. This sentence really turned me off, but I'm not a reader of romance so...

    "If he went any higher, he'd be fondling parts of her only seen by her doctor and her vibrator."


  6. I liked it. Strong voice and fun MC. Coulda done without the vibrator line -- I want to know the characters a little better before they reveal the details of their sex lives or lack thereof. ;->

  7. Yes. Hooked.

    Great voice here.

    "It was just a body" is very intriguing.

  8. REALLY like Teagan’s voice and the way you set the scene. Great descriptive details. Though, I would add in a bit more of the plot line here, as it feels this is just a scene to introduce us to the character and setting, and not so much the overall plotline. But yeah, I would definitely read on.

  9. Sorry, I don't think I'd read on. I like a hard a** heroine, but she seems a bit too gritty for me. Your voice is good and I do get into the character's head. I just don't know how long I could stay in her head.

  10. Hehe I loved it. And, though it may be offensive to others, I laughed at the vibrator line, it says a lot about the character even if it may seem TMI. Besides, those thoughts are ture to who she is so I wouldn't cut them. I'm hooked, but I do hope the plot comes in soon after, I know it was just 250 words.

  11. This is exceptional. I wouldn't read it because I don't read books where women use vibrators. heh heh

    But I don't think you should cut that line. It is who she is.

    The costumes, the bar name, the perverts, the narrator's voice--all well done, I think.

  12. I think the narrator is great. I'm interested to know "what" she is. From the "It was just a body" line and "The Enforcer" I know it's paranormal even if you hadn't told me that. I'm definitely hooked.

  13. I thought the vibrator line was funny. Jenna Black writes gritty heroines who talk like that.

    My only nitpick is that she lets the guy grope her like it's okay -- ugh, every feminist cell in my body is choking. If she's letting him do that, she's exploiting her body to make money, and that completely changes how I see her. Less tough and kick-ass than big talker who wishes she had more control over her life.

  14. LOVE the voice here! I am so hooked. :-)