TITLE: See the Samelings
GENRE: Young adult urban fantasy
Eva George glanced at the clock on her cab’s dashboard and sighed; it was exactly three-thirty-seven on what was about to become the second worst day of her life. Not the worst day of her life, of course — no day could ever be as bad as that day, last year’s August twenty-ninth, the day her dad died. And it had already been a pretty unpleasant day, what with the traffic and the detour and that out-of-town kid throwing up in the backseat at Forty-first and Broadway. But this year’s September fifteenth, the new second worst day of her life, was about to go from pretty unpleasant to downright dreadful.
It all began with a hail, and a fairly innocent one at that. But as Eva gave the brake pedal a nudge and coasted into the curb, she spotted the dog — and sighed again. It wasn’t that Eva had anything against dogs or even blind people, but after the day she’d had, after the traffic and the detour and the violent pink vomit that reeked of hot dog, she just knew the thing was going to pee all over the upholstery.
Still, she couldn’t refuse the hail, and not just because it was commission policy: Her father, after all, never would have refused it. So Eva brought the taxi all the way to a stop, waited for some kind stranger to yank open the yellow door, and tried to sound cheerful when she asked, “Where can I drop you?”
I'd cut the first paragraph. It goes from being in the present in the cab with her to reflecting that it turned into the second-worst day of her life, which suggests she's in the future looking back. The change confused me. Plus there's some backstory, which isn't necessary in the first paragraph. The traffic, detour and vomiting event are all mentioned again in the second paragraph. Apart from that, I liked the writing.
ReplyDeleteYou have a definite voice that comes through, almost chatty as if we're friends hanging out talking. Just make sure that you don't talk me in circles like in the third sentence of the first paragraph. Also, I thought it was funny she didn't like dogs. Most of the time characters adore dogs and I was impressed this one wasn't afraid to not like them.
ReplyDeleteThe day talk in the beginning paragraph should probably be trimmed back or cut...
ReplyDeleteI like the voice a lot here and I actually like the first paragraph quite a bit. Then again, I'm a fan of internal thoughts so it could just be a preference thing. I'm assuming your MC is a teen and it seems strange for a teen to be driving a cab (or whatever it is she's driving). Interesting concept though. I'm not quite sure if I'm hooked or not here, part of me would like to read on and part is kind of thrown by theteen cabbie thing. I don't live anywhere near a big city so maybe it's possible, but I've never heard of it.
ReplyDeleteYou have a wonderful voice, but the first paragraph turned me off. The dates threw me. The day her father died last year is enough, I think, without specifying the date.
ReplyDeleteThe rest flowed nicely.
Too many dates and days - very distracting when we don't know who's who or what's what.
ReplyDeleteYou could probably cut the first paragraph. It distracts from the present and you cover all the bad stuff that happened to her (in the present day) in the second paragraph. Still, I like the voice and I'd be interested in reading more.
ReplyDeletegreat writing here and a very distinct voice. i'm interested in seeing where this is heading.
ReplyDeleteThis had too much back story and chit-chat for me. You spent all your time telling about what had already happened, and you never got into the story you want to tell.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a clue as to what it will be about, and I don't have any hints of the fantasy.
Perhaps start with her picking up her passenger and get the back story in later.
Not hooked.
I really enjoyed your beginning -- the down-to-earth writing drew me in, plus I'm a dog lover, so if I read "dog" I am interested to see what happens. I liked how you located this in NYC with the street names.
ReplyDeleteMy constructive criticism: tone down the chatty, familiar quality a little (but don't eliminate it). It would help the story to roll along.
This is a hard one. I am not keen on that first paragraph, but I am interested to find out more about the dog and the person with it. I do want to point out that in NYC, drivers have to be at least 18 years old, so this main character might be too old to be YA. I
ReplyDeleteI would take out the sentence about her dad dying and ass it in somewhere later just because I feel like it's too jarring in addition to your first scene. Just my opinion though.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked; too much backstory too soon and it felt like a lot of information was being told to the reader, not shown.
ReplyDeleteLove the voice, but not sure this is YA if mc is a cab driver? Also, you could cut a lot of the backstory, I loved the part about this being the 2nd worst day of her life, and would be more than happy to wait to find out about the first worst day - that alone would keep me reading - no need to show all your cards up front.
ReplyDeletestill, would carry on reading, hoping to find out that the mc is younger than 18 and find out what the bizarre reason is behind her driving a cab
I'd cut the first paragraph and begin with the second, mostly because there were too many numbers to digest in the first one. We can also learn later about her dad's death, I think. It's a depressing way to start.
ReplyDeleteHooked enough to keep reading.
I agree with Chris. Telling us about her other bad days is a depressing way to start. Sort of put me off on the MC. But I like your voice.
ReplyDeleteNot sure if I'm hooked though. Perhaps if you had started with the hail and introduced me to the man and dog right off, it may have peeked my interest more.
But it hasn't turned me off either. I would probably read to the end of the first chapter.
I really like the voice, but I think the first paragraph was way too talky. Cut it down, and then I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI liked it, especially the dog section. I agree with everyone that the first paragraph has to go. Maybe she lied about her age to become a driver? That could be interesting in itself…
ReplyDeleteThis has a lot of promise. I think you could really think about whether it might be better to detail the day the main character's dad died later in the book. But the personality of the main character is there, and the writing is pretty solid overall. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI think this needs to be tightened up, but it has great promise. The voice is good, but the mention of her Dad dying is too lightly dealt with. Perhaps save it for later.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading.
This is the only entry I loved enough to click through from my reader to read!
ReplyDeleteI think it's a little passive in places, but the voice is so completely there, and I am mega hooked!
I love it, and wish I could read more. Congratulations on writing something really unique!
This was confusing, and I have a vague idea that the MC is in her 30s, but I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI'm ever so slightly confused. It began with a hail threw me off, as I'd expect to see began with someone hailing my cab. And dog and hot dog in the same paragraph perhaps not the best wording, and could have done without violent pink vomit, because of course my analytical brain had to think about whether hot-dog vomit could possibly qualify as violently pink (not in this world, I think).
ReplyDeleteTaxis pick up dogs? Is it a Seeing Eye dog? And I wasn't sure if kind stranger was sardonic or not.
But I'd keep reading!