Wednesday, February 15, 2012

February Secret Agent #31

TITLE: The Golgothian Go-Go
GENRE: Urban Fantasy

The eight-foot penis was back for another beer and a shot. There were two other giant penises at my bar, one about seven feet tall who was drinking screwdrivers, and a discerning ten-foot-tall model wearing a cape and plastic fangs. Drajacula was sipping scotch and soda, disgruntled that his Johnny Walker Black was being served in a humble plastic tumbler—as if I cared how a giant vampire penis preferred his scotch—particularly an evil one from a rival Coven.

The Blackroods were slimy types, and no thanks to one of their skanky girlfriends, I was sporting a bruised eye under my pirate’s patch. Flipping the cape back over my shoulder, I slammed the scotch down on the bar and took Drajacula’s twenty with a look that said, “Try me.” Though Coven Blackrood wasn’t shopping for supernatural mates, I liked them even less than the Skinshifters who were.
Giving him a little growl, I tucked his change into my booty jar. He succumbed to premature evacuation, blending back into Freaks-Fest festering crowd. He was another fledgling warlock who wouldn’t return to my corner bar, despite the Coven’s fascination with my unique abilities. I was saving my angst for the immediate agenda—the real monsters who were loose in the full-moon Halloween crowd, and the hotel’s two missing employees.

The phone on my hip vibrated, flashing with a 911 from my best friend: “Harrys HERE!!!”

I texted Seejayne back with a: “WTF???” my last mug of burned coffee starting a squall in my belly.


  1. Ok - are these actual penises or peni (is that the plural for penis?) in the bar or is the bartender calling them that. I couldn't decipher. The writing isn't bad - its actually quite good but lose the penis stuff because all I am envisioning is three giant man parts with arms sitting at a bar. it takes all tr attention of your strong writing and onto your first lines.

  2. I assumed they were actually penises and that this is a parody. If it is, it's a very good one -- it feels just like an urban fantasy and the writing is really strong. And you certainly evoke a sense of... dickishness (heh) with the use of words like "slimy."

    If it's not a parody, the writing is STILL really strong, but yeah -- pull back on the penis stuff (heheheheh).

    I'd read on if only to figure out if these guys are actually vampire dicks.

  3. Um... am I the only one who assumes that it's Halloween, and THAT'S why they are dressed as dicks, and why the MC has a pirate costume on?

    I really like this:)

  4. I also assume it's Halloween (or something like that) but I think it takes too long for me to know that. I'd mention it right off the bat.

    If I knew earlier, it'd be easier to really appreciate all the dick jokes. Because they're fantastic.

    I'd defnitely read on - and that's saying a lot since I don't usually read fantasy. Nice job! And good luck.

  5. It actually SAYS it's Halloween - right there, so it's interesting that people are so stymied by it.

    It amuses me that seven foot tall dicks are confusing people and making them uncomfortable...

    The author *could* move the bit about the full moon on Halloween crowd a bit sooner. But if you're confused by thinking there's a literal dick at the bar, and don't see *Halloween* when it's right there, then perhaps you're reading a bit passively.

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  7. This and all of the comments made me laugh. I definitely thought metaphorical penis, as in "what a jerk/dick", but then I read further and saw the Halloween part. Maybe earlier on would help? Sorry for having to delete the other comment, wish there was an edit function!

  8. I think earlier would help. And I guess its just me, but it seemed like too much was going on here- the dick humor, setting the scene in the bar, the rival clans, her talent which I don't think we know yet what it is, missing employees and a best friend.

    I wanted to know what was happening so yea, I guess I'm hooked but it moved a little fast for me, but I've been reading a lot of YA so maybe I'm out of touch with adult pacing.

  9. I'm guessing you're basically saying the customers are dicks? I like how you have different names for the guys at bars though (and some of them definitely fit).

  10. Ok - now I see Halloween but it is not mentioned until the end of the second paragraph. If it was thrown in there earlier or perhaps something about there being a sale on penis costumes or perhaps think - does a dickhead like this guy even need a penis costume. I don't know but something about these being costumes or Halloween at this bar.

    Funny and premature evacuation - real cute.

  11. Okay. Wasn’t expecting this. I’d move the Halloween mention to the top because I assumed she was a bartender that referred to all men as Penises. (Now that I think of it, it must be both. Can’t imagine a Penis costume would leave a spot for plastic fangs.)

    Either way I’d have to say this isn’t for me.