A blog for aspiring authors
No.The "permanent curler hair" was like a big speedbump to me. Do you mean permed hair or that she has indents in her hair from curlers? Either way, I find this too much for one line. We have her location, her name, her hair, her nails and the puzzle all in the first line and it's too much for me to take off the bat. I'd suggest you concentrate on one thing for your first line and then give the description of the rest in the next line.
No. Too long and decriptive and the puzzle didnt grab me.
No. The line reads like a grocery list and my question was -and why should I care?
No. I don't quite get the image of "permanent curler hair"
No. There's nothing here to grab me, and I agree with the comments about the "permanent curler hair" being confusing.
No. Permanent curler hair doesn't make sense to me, and shouldn't that second comma be between "Janice" and "with"? Or not be there at all?
No. There's too much shoved into this single sentence. If the description was broken out and spread through more story narrative, it would flow better.
YesI liked it. I would like to see it focus more on just Janice by eliminating that she was at the front of the store and just start with her instead of where she was.
No. I get what you mean by permanent curler hair but the entire sentence is overdescriptive and wordy.
No. I don't know what it is about this sentence, but it's making me want to shut the book and read something else.
NoThe sentence is too wordy without making me want to learn more. Is her hairstyle (which I don't get the description) or her fingernails important to the hook? Focus the sentence on one point and scatter the other descriptions out among the page.
Yes, this story must have some great characters in it.
No. The use of "curlers" sounds a bit old-fashioned for a teen's voice. Woman working a crossword puzzle wasn't enough to pull me in with just one sentence to go on.
No. It's awkward. There's imagery here, but almost too much for a first sentence. And also, nothing really intrigues me to read on. I don't need to know anything else. Or want to.
No. Awkward sentence construction and the permanent curler hair was a confusing description.
No, it confused me on a few levels, the description could be clearer and it's kind of bland. There is a lot of potential here. I think the hair could be described better to give us a vivid idea in our heads
No.It's harder to connect with "a woman named Janice" than "Janice" so I don't even have a sense if she is the MC. Also, not knowing the genre makes it tough to have any expectations.
No. Really, it's for the same reasons others have mentioned: the curler hair and the "a woman named Janice" issue. Both of those distanced me and tripped me up.
UGH AAAAAGH.It was going to be an enthusiastic yes but no it's just a moderate one - ditch the commas. They don't belong there and they slow down the sentence in the wrong places.
No.No conflict created here. No questions to be answered. Just some details about some girl.Also, I agree with those above who think the description itself was rocky. "Permanent curler hair" doesn't flow well.
No. There's a bit too much going on. I would recommend taking out "a woman named" and "permanent curler hair". Janice by nature is a woman's name so that is redundant. The curler hair is an odd description.
No. The "permanent curler hair" is awkward and a crossword puzzle isnt very interesting.
No. You're over-explaining here. With a name like Janice, your reader will assume she's a woman. And, the permanent curler hair is clunky.
Yes.But the phrase "permanent curler hair" almost made it a "no". I'd keep reading.
No. "In the front of the store" is a bad starter phrase, especially when what comes next is "permanent curler hair" (which I don't know what is) and a blue-nailed woman and a crossword puzzle.
No- the sentence is clunky and lost me. Make her doing something active to grab me.
No. The list of description is too long and doesn't draw the reader in, just with that, alone.
No. This is telling, and it doesn't draw me in.
No, sorry. The perspective is a little too distant. Try getting closer:Nothing suspicious going on, just that old gal Janice...Also, what kind of store has a table where people sit around doing crossword puzzles? Maybe Janice is rearranging the shelves, turning the labels on the cans to face forward, etc. Some action that tells us what kind of store it is, and where Janice fits in.
No. I'm also stumbling on what "permanent curler hair" is and how the MC knows that her name is Janice. Also, the comma after fingernails shouldn't be there.I think that a little paring back would do wonders for this sentence. Something like "In the front of the store, a woman with long blue fingernails bends over a crossword puzzle." would be just mysterious enough to get me to read on. Alternatively, if Janice is already a familiar character to the MC, then I'd cut all the description ("In the front of the store, Janice bends over a crossword puzzle.") and save it for a later point, when the MC is pondering Janice's trashy appearance.Good luck!
No. But this has promise. Shore it up to a simpler sentence and I would keep reading. I liked the potential of what could happen next.
No, the permanent curler hair threw me.
Sorry, but this one was too wordy and confusing. Not exactly sure about the "permanent curler hair"- did she have dents in her hair from sleeping in old-fashioned plastic curlers, or are we talking bad Toni Perm hair, like the north end of a south-bound poodle (a little humidity and my hair looks like like that!)
No. I don't care about Janice. Maybe if she saved a cat...
No. I feel like you're trying to describe this character by her hair and nails, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to know about her based on that.
No.Janice sounds like an interesting-looking character, but she's not doing anything interesting, so I'm not pulled in. As far as I can tell, this is a story about a crossword puzzle. Permanent curler hair was an awkward phrase. "A woman named Janice" creates a lot of distance, but then again, I can't be sure that's not what you're going for. Could the story possible start later in the narrative?
No. Not a particularly pleasant or interesting image.
No, way too much description for a hook.
No. I can't tell whether this is a first person narrator observing this woman, or a third person narrator talking about this woman. Either way, I'd rather start with the narrator themselves.
No. Your descriptions confuse me.
No. Just not intersting.
No. Thrown by "permanent curler" and the fingernails, and the image doesn't grab me. Also, the second comma bugs me, and yes, that's the kind of thing that would make me put down a book.
No. I didn't get the 'permanent curler' either
No. This may work as a second line, though. Tell us who is in the store and why.
No. I had to read it a few times to figure it out. It was a bit clunky. She sounds like she could be an interesting, somewhat quirky character. I like the long blue nails.
No. I have no idea who the protagonist is.
No. I can't picture, "permanent curler hair". Plus I'm not sure of POV from this sentence. Sounds omnicient, but I'm not sure. It isn't interesting enough to hook.
No. It's too wordy, and I don't think you need the second comma. If you take out the part between the commas, the sentence doesn't make sense. And this doesn't grab me. Nothing about this out of the ordinary - a store, a crossword puzzle - there's nothing to entice me to read on.
No -- I think you're trying too hard to fit too much information into the first line. Not only that, but it's telling. Have her do something. You can describe her and the store later. Something to the effect of: "Janice bent over the crossword puzzle and pointed to the word THEFT with her long blue fingernail." Obviously I don't know your story and just made that up from your title- but SHOW us. --Your character sounds interesting though!
No.I can't tell who the main character is. The phrase "a woman named Janice," along with the genre, make me think it isn't Janice. Is the MC the one describing her? If so, I think all the details about Janice are misplaced in the first sentence.
No. I think you have a typo with "permanent curler hair", but that's not why I said no. It's because it's tell with no hook.