Miss Snark's First Victim
No.Okay, I want to say "Maybe" but Authoress will kill me if I break the rules... again.I mostly like this but it confused me off the bat. The "seven kids" sounds like they are the narrator's kids but then you go on to mention the mom and the husband and I'm totally lost as to who is speaking. The narrator needs to refer to these people as they relate to him/her.
No. Agreed that it's a little confusing. I don't know that that should put me off wanting to read more to find out (since to me, that's sort of the point), but I think we're meant to judge these based solely on what we're given, so I'm confused, so I'll say no.
No. I find this confusing. I assume the narrator is YA, so unless she's a child bride it doesn't make sense that she's living with a neglected husband.
NoI am also confused as to who has the kids, who is the mom and the husband etc.
No. Agreed that it's confusing. It's possible the narrator is the wife, but that's not at all clear.
No. There's too much going on all at once and not in a way that pulled me forward.
NoIt's confusing and unclear. There are two possibilities: the seven kids belong to her, she has the neglected husband, and her mother is living with them OR there's a mother of seven, her neglected husband, and the narrator is a roommate? Clearing up the confusion would help us get hooked.
yes, but who lives with these people. I get the impression the person is not part of the family, so why does he live there?
No. It's confusing. I assume the narrator is a teen since this is YA (so the 7 kids are their siblings & the husband and wife are the parents, I assume?) but the fact that there's so much confusion in the comments means the voice isn't there yet.
No. It's confusing the family ties. And it makes it sound like the husband is the MC's but I am thinking it is supposed to be her step-dad? Also, are the kids her siblings? It's too much information without enough information to back it up. So I am left feeling lost.
No. I think too much detail was crammed into this sentence with a lot of telling. Show us Mom is tired and Dad is neglectful through their later actions.
No, too much information, no emotion really. I want to see this instead of being told...
No. I initially read it as the mother of the seven kids making the statement but now I'm just confused with the mention of mom and husband.
No. Guessing a lot of stories start this way: I thought it couldn't get any worse, and then it did. I'm betting you could make it work and sound fresh, but not as is.
No.Felt like there was too much crammed into the sentence and agree that it felt a little forced into a cliche.
No.It just didn't grab me. The list of awful things the MC has to deal with seems like it's going to be the conflict, but then you reveal the conflict is something else entirely, which makes me as a reader feel like I've overcommitted to the beginning of the sentence without any real payoff at the end.
No. It was almost a yes but I was a little confused. I need to know the relationship to the large number of people introduced. It reads like the Mom is speaking but then is referenced towards the end. I have to assume the husband is the MC's.
No. This line does not fit with this genre. My immediate thought is that the MC is a wife--something I find a bit unlikely in a YA book of any genre. Look at how it's worded--"a neglected husband"? Tired mom, I can understand. I'm a mom with 2 under 3. If it had read "with a neglected husband" (and no comma after "mom") I may call it a yes.
No. This sounds a bit like an older narrator (maybe the author) and doesn't give me a feeling for the MC. This sentence could work though if it was done in the MC's voice.
Yes - but...I think if you reworked/reworded this, it'd be stronger. Not sure any YA could indentify with seven kids (are they your MC's siblings?), a tired mom and a neglected husband. Its how they impact your MC, not what they are. Maybe " a neglectful mom" and "distraced dad?"
No.On this one, I can't tell who's speaking. It sounds like a "mom" but it's YA. The voice isn't working. Would a teen refer to someone as a "neglected husband"? It sounds like something an adult woman would say.
No. I found this very confusing with the "mom/husband" issue, as others have said. Beyond that, the "I thought it couldn't get much worse" approach is a bit cliche, to be honest. There were a couple agents complaining about this approach (referring to queries, but I still think it applies) just the other day.
No. This may be a great book, but there's too much back story crammed in here (seven kids, a mother, a husband) and nothing of current story other than a passive phrase (it did). Different shorter phrasing and maybe leaving out one element might let this work.
No. It doesn't flow smoothly. I found myself tripping over the words.
Yes, but just barely. I'd read the next sentence or two before deciding to commit to the story.
Yes. I'm curious to know how it got worse, in spite of some confusion in the sentence.
No. Like others have said, it starts reading like a wife speaking, but by the end, it seems to be a child member of the family. Would a child use the term "neglected husband"? or care?
Yes, but just because I have to figure out who the narrator is, or what this household is like. Is a married woman living with her mom still? It hooked me enough to want to find out.
No. It doesn't sound teen.
No. Is this YA?
I'm going to say yes, because I want to know more.WHY is this person living with 7 kids and their parents, and who is this person? Some cultures live more than one family per house,so it could be a combined-household, the MC could be living there because he/she is a foster kid or live-in nanny, her parents dumped her off with relatives/friends, and so on. The possibilities are endless and I would like to know, plus I'd like to know what the MC is hinting at that just made life worse.
No. But not because I don't think that doesn't sound like an interesting household. It's because (as others have said) I'm confused on who's speaking.
No. I'm confused as to who's speaking as well. You have a laundry list of characters here, but it's all kind of vague. Can you give specifics about how it got worse, or at least a hint?
No, sorry. It seems like the POV is shifting. The teenage mc would not refer to her tired mom and neglected husband -- it's her mother's husband, not the mc's. It seems like he needs to come in later, the neglected husband is her mom's point of view.
No. I was too confused about who belongs to whom to care about the story. I also got the feeling that the MC (who is supposedly YA) is a wife and mother, which is weird to me.The phrase "under the age of ten" didn't strike me as YA voice, either. Maybe "... seven snot-nosed kids..." or something that shows more voice and POV.Agreed that the "I didn't think it could get worse until it did" opening is tired. And we don't even get a hint at how it got worse. I don't know what's supposed to entice me about this, but I'm sure there's something there. Just dig it out and focus on the real problem rather than the living situation.
No. Didn't sound like a teenager to me. If she doesn't like living with a neglected husband, why doesn't she just pay more attention to her husband? Sounds strange for her to whine about something that's under her own control.
No, because even though the concept is decent (and RELATABLE no matter how many kids you have!), the wording was off.
No. I'm completely confused. Is the narrator an adult? She has a neglected husband and seven kids?
No. Sorry. This feels like a bit of an info dump, but I feel like it could be reworded to work.
Yes, but only just. I like stories about crazy blended families. nevertheless, I have the same reservations as the other commentors. I'm guessing the narrator is the eldest of eight kids and "neglected husband" refers to his/her step father, not her partner. And a teen would not care if the fellow was neglected or not.
Yes, but like some of the other comments (I only skimmed because I don't like to be biased), this was a close one. Mostly I was thrown off by the "neglected husband." Is it the narrator's husband, or the mom's? In which case, should that be "step dad?" With a little clarification, though, this could shine.
No. The POV is confusing: is the narrator one of the kids, the mom, the dad, or someone else entirely (in which case who)? I'm not really a big fan of the "I thought it couldn't get much worse than" setup, because of course we know what the answer is going to be!
No. I can't really figure out who the MC is. Also, it just doesn't grab me. I don't get enough from this sentence to really have an interest in what's going to happen.
No. Needs to be tightened and too much information is given away in the first sentence.
No - I want to say yes SO MUCH but I think a clarifier to say she's the sister of the kids is needed. LIfe couldn't get much worse than a sister of six siblings.. etc something like that. Just a bit of tweaking needed!
No. 2 reasons: 1, I'm not sure who the protagonist is - the mom? one of the kids? And 2, I'm not a fan of opening lines that go along the lines of "I thought it couldn't get worse, but then it did..."
No.It didn't sound YA to me. Plus, as others have said, it left me confused. The speaker sounded like a married who lives with her 7 kids, her mother, and her neglected husband. I don't think that's what you meant.
No. I'm not interested in spending a whole book with a narrator who seems to be throwing a pity party right from the start. I realize this impression could be incorrect, but that's how it feels to me with no other knowledge of your character at this point.
No. It confused me. Who is mom? The narrator or the narrator's mom? Okay - I see now that it's YA, so I'm assuming the seven kids under ten are the siblings? You might say that. But then, she would't refer to her dad as a husband, so I'm confused again. Also, there's no hook in this line - it needs voice.
No. I'm not sure whether the MC is one of the kids or their mother, or not related to the family at all.
No.Like a lot of the others, I'm confused about the relationships, and I don't like the "didn't think it could get worse but it did" cliche.