TITLE: 1000 Suns - (WIP
GENRE: YA
I knew when I opened the door everything I remembered would be gone.
Frustrated, I laid my head against the cool metal as my legs trembled, rooted to their spot in terror. Each time I grasped the handle, I remembered the giant mushroom cloud that drove me inside the walk-in cooler of my family's bakery and my hand dropped away, too afraid to confront what was waiting for me outside.
YES!
ReplyDeleteThis is shaping up! And I am interesting, intrigued and hooked. What happened? Where is the family?
No. Too wordy - the tone doesn't fit the scene, imo.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteWhile I like the potential world you're setting up, I'm left with too many questions. How long has she been inside the cooler? What about nuclear fall-out? Was she alone all this time?
No. Sorry. I think you can tighten this up and open with the mushroom cloud and walk-in cooler. That paints such a powerful visual. The first two sentences don't for me.
ReplyDeleteThe word "frustrated" is too much telling and also feels like the wrong emotion here. Everything else sounds like she is afraid, not frustrated.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
No, but I was on the fence. It's a little much. Maybe some streamlining, and it'd be a little grabbier.
ReplyDeleteI'm back to edit my earlier response (or perhaps clarify). I think if you re-ordered the sentences (and tightened them), this would work for me. I think that first sentence would have more power for me if it were at the end of the excerpt.
ReplyDeleteNo, it needs some tightening to make it punchier. I'm also left with lots of questions. Mushroom cloud implies nuclear fallout, so how long has she been in that cooler?
ReplyDeleteSort of yes. I'd read more, but I have major questions.
ReplyDeleteI've always thought of nuclear blasts as very fast. If s/he can see the mushroom cloud, does s/he have time to hide in the freezer? Why didn't anyone else hide there with him/her?
Why does s/he know so much about it? I think most teens have a basic knowledge of what a mushroom cloud means and what a nuclear blast does, but would they be so logical? They might stay in the freezer while all the scary noises were going on, but would they be thinking about how everything was gone with such surety or would they be hoping someone else had survived, too? If they know about the cloud, wouldn't they also know about the lingering effects of radiation?
Try starting with the actual blast (after researching speed, etc). What did this teen experience? How did s/he react while his/her world was ending?
No. I'm interested in the world, but if this is from a nuclear blast as the mushroom cloud implies, then if she was close enough to see that, the mushroom cloud would be the last thing she ever saw. With such a blatant scientific in accuracy in the first couple sentences, I'd be worried about what other scientific inaccuries there'd be. Plus, I'm not sure if a fridge would provide enough protection from such a blast.
ReplyDeleteBut I do like that this starts right after the blast and gets right into describing the aftermath.
No, but you came close. The first sentence is very engaging. But then I feel like I get TOLD the emotions instead of being shown the emotions through actions and physical responses within the character. I also think you rushed the explanation of why she's in the cooler. It might serve you well to build your story's mood a bit by taking your time showing her relucatance to leave (without instantly coming out to tell us why), or by having her slowly open the door and react to the devastation around her. We can get the explanation for what caused the devastation in bits and pieces around her response.
ReplyDeleteNo- I tend to lose interest in a lot of body language description too early on. I actually glossed over the mushroom cloud part until a second read and that's the vital piece! A great start that just needs reworking.
ReplyDelete@yttar - I guess you didn't like Indiana Jones 4 when Indy sails through the air in that post-war fridge ;) True though, if she saw that mushroom cloud, the story would only be 3 lines since she'd be dead seconds later. :/
I like the idea but the writing isnt' grabbing me. Too many emotional cues when I don't even know her yet. And what else would she be thinking about when she's been in that cooler? I'd think all she could think of was that cloud unless she's been in there for months or years even like in Blast from the Past.
ReplyDeleteNo, because I'm slow and I'm confused at what the "giant mushroom cloud" is. *tips hat* My fault, madam/monsieur, as it seems that everyone else got whatever the cloud was. Something nuclear? *shakes head* Told ya I'm slow. :)
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't get why she'd be frustrated in a situation like that. If that had just happened to me I'd be catatonic, or screaming, or whatever.
ReplyDelete