TITLE: Hamish's Heart
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
Hamish found his birth certificate in a crumpled envelope, in a creased and sagging box, in a cobwebbed corner of the attic. The box attracted his attention one day because it was crushed against the farthest wall — well beyond the yellow, dusty light pouring in from two dirty windows — and it was the darkest, dirtiest place in the attic to hide. He slid himself between the box and the spiders' nests on the wall to hide from his father who was thumping up the stairs to find him.
Hamish could hear his father breathe, deep and deliberate, as he reached the top step and scanned the attic with his sharp, blue glare. Hamish held his own breath, ignoring the prickling itch creeping up his back, stifling thoughts of a million baby spiders bursting out of their nests to invade his clothing.
“Hamish, just you wait!” his mother's shrill, angry voice called up the steps. Hamish did wait. He waited until his father retraced his steps down to his cooling dinner and out the door again to the pub, until his mother's calls subsided to inaudible grumbles and dissipated into the clattering noise of dishes being washed and dried; he waited until the house was quiet and the dust motes in the attic turned gray in the fading afternoon light.
*
When Hamish finally stood up, his legs had been asleep for some time. Giant-stepping over the box as quietly as he could, he wobbled, catching the edge on his toe as he stepped over.
Definitely hooked! I got tangled up in the first paragraph, though:
ReplyDelete"The box attracted his attention one day because it was crushed against the farthest wall — well beyond the yellow, dusty light pouring in from two dirty windows — and it was the darkest, dirtiest place in the attic to hide."
Without adding "in the darkest" I thought he box WAS the place to hide. I had to read the paragraph a few times to figure out what was going on. Once I got past that, though: WOW. What does the certificate say?! Why is his father mad?! I'd for sure read more.
Hooked. I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI like this. I know I felt some of those spiders crawling up my own back as he sat in the corner. I definitely want to know what the birth certificate says.
ReplyDeleteMy only nit was when he described his father reaching the attic. Can he actually see his eyes and the glare? Or does he know it from experience?
I'm hooked, but then get a tad bit bogged down by the description. His dad kind of freaks me out, but I bet you could streamline the description a bit more.
ReplyDeleteI like this too. The line about the spiders actually made me shiver. I feel for poor Hamish and really want to know what that birth certificate says.
ReplyDeleteYou are great at setting the scene but the descriptions in the first paragraph are too long. Keep in mind it is middle grade so you don’t want the sentences to be too long and complicated. (Especially the first sentence!)
ReplyDeleteWe could use a clue why he is hiding. Could the father say something?
I’m hooked. Who is this poor boy?
You have me interested and asking questions. I want to read on to get the answers.
ReplyDeleteMy only concern is there is too much description here. I'm getting lost in all the little details. If you're going to keep them, give them in little bites, maybe connected with the action of getting hidden so completely. Can you add to the suspense by giving us Hamish's quick reaction to father's breathing? "Hamish shivered as he heard his father beathe... Be careful about adding description that the reader shouldn't be able to see from Hamish's point of view (father's blue eyes- his sharp glare should be enough (unless there are blue rays shooting out as he survey's the attic).
Tighten and focus. I'm ready to cinch my seatbelt for the ride.