TITLE: Found in US
GENRE: Narrative non-fiction
I ran away once.
June. 2002. Though I lived on my own, had no significant other, no children, and no responsibilities to anyone other than myself, I still needed to run far, far away. What I was running from, I wasn’t quite sure. Perhaps it was reality, perhaps it was memory. Perhaps it was a bit of both.
I arrived in Indianapolis, Indiana. Night had fallen, and I was tired and hungry. The green and red neon sign of Applebee’s lured me in with its promise of comfort foods. I spoke into my microphone for the final time that evening. I want to talk to another human being because I’m weighted by my thoughts from this long day on the road. I feel confused about myself—who I am and who I want to be. I followed the routes detailed on my maps, and my car never veered off course, but I am completely lost. Somehow, I am feeling more like a stranger in my own skin than I am to the unfamiliar faces here. My original intention was to interview average Americans while driving across country because in the past several months my life had been consumed by an edginess I had never before experienced.
I hit stop and packed the Dictaphone and my feelings away in the glove compartment. I walked toward Applebee’s excited to find the courage to meet some new people. The crowd was the spitting image of the patrons that I might see at a Friday’s back in Massachusetts.
Am I hooked? No doubt. That first line is absolutely magnetic. I feel this voice is very relatable, too. Cheers!
ReplyDeleteYes! Hooked? This amazing beginning made me late to pick my kids up at school. Beautifully written. Love!
ReplyDeleteI am hooked! I want to keep reading and find out what happens next! The fact that it's non-fiction makes it that much more compelling.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of an adult running away from life. Haven't we all just wanted to get into the car and keep driving at some point or another? Great job!
ReplyDeleteI definitely want to know what she's running from!
ReplyDeleteThe part of the line that reads "excited to find the courage to meet some new people" is a bit jarring for me though.
Narrative non-fiction is hard to evaluate off 250 words as it is not just about the writing and voice but also about the subject and where it will fit in the market. But, as it is I probably wouldn’t ask to see more as it seems to be memoir, which is a tough market to stand out in right now and the writing didn’t grab me enough to keep going.
ReplyDeleteI loved your opening sentence, the description of Applebee's in par. 3 and the last 2 sentences--all concrete detail. The other sentences, for me, give away too much too soon, show more than tell. I'd like these points to be revealed through dialogue or action.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing-good opening line.
ReplyDeleteYou keep me in the first paragraph but by the second, your losing hold. It feels to me like you're wandering in your writing. If you're running, you have a purpose or at least a decisive direction, even if you don't know where you're headed, keep me moving with you. I also feel like based on your purpose in the second paragraph "to interview average Americans while driving across country", your actions in the last paragraph don't mesh. Meeting new people in Applebee's would seem like a treasure trove for your purpose. Why would you turn off your dictatphone (technologically old even for 2002) instead of take it in with you?
I'd read a little more, but need more substance to hold my attention.