TITLE: Entropy (WIP)
GENRE: YA Fantasy
The water is warm and tastes of sulfur, but I drink it anyway. Silt and deposit that would normally be thinned by the rains lay instead undisturbed at the bottom of the riverbed. The banks of the Naehonus, where I kneel with one large clay jar by my side and another perched atop my knees precariously, are not their usual lush green but a paler, almost sickly yellow – like hide that has been bleached too long in sunlight.
This is okay but it leaves me visually confused. I am seeing her kneeling by the river drinking but then you say she has a clay jar perched on her knees and I don't see how that's possible if she's kneeling by the river. Also, I feel like she is seeing too many things in these three sentences. She is looking at the bottom of the riverbed and then jumps to the banks of Naehonus before I've had time to finish picturing the river. I would suggest you try to work on one visual for your opening. You want to ground your reader in your setting.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Yes, but barely. I love what's happening here. It's visual, but I am nit picky beacuse the proper punctuation is lacking, making it a bit confusing. And I also think it could be tightened up.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteThe visuals and details are plentiful, but it's almost too much. In the narrator's POV, how can she see the water and the banks at the same time? Try to keep within her head.
No. Tis is too wordy and I don't have a feel for whats going on.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI can see the potential, but it is too wordy. Tighten it up. Make it less confusing. Keep trying.
No. I liked the first line but there's almost too much description.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the first line, but it didn't go where I wanted it to.
Also, I (not unlike most of your target audience) am a reader with a short attention span, and I skim lengthy descriptions of setting. Probably not good to have me skimming so soon. Find a way to weave your descriptions into the scene: so she steps on the yellow grass while she does something interesting. Don't front-load your setting. Give me an impression and move on to character and plot.
No. There's just a bit too much description for my tastes.
ReplyDeleteNo...but it truly was a maybe for me. It needs tightening. I would crop some words, ie, "instead" on the second line, "precariously" on the fourth and cut out the comparison on the last line. I think it will read much smoother with some editing.
ReplyDeleteYes - tentatively. This needs to be tightened up quite a bit. (And lay should be lie.) Your reader doesn't care about the surroundings enough yet to want such long descriptions of it. We want to immediately connect with the character and care about what is happening to her/him. Nothing is happening in these sentences. However, I can see voice and talent, so I'll say yes.
ReplyDeleteThis is atmospheric and grabs the attention.
ReplyDelete"lay" should be 'lies"
I think you should start your 3rd sentence with 'I kneel' and describe the banks in another sentence.
No, you lost me with too much detail.
ReplyDeleteAre her knees not green? or the jars?
No. I agree with the other readers here. The descriptions are nice, but there's too much of them at once, and no movement at the beginning. I'd say "action," but then you might think I mean a swordfight or something! Ha! What I really mean is some movement by the main character, some sense of involvement in the scene. If you want to start with him/her drinking water, that's fine, but have the movement of drinking the water rather than the setting. Leaning down to take a drink, the taste of sulfur, the dirty river water dripping into his beard (or whatever). You get the idea. This will give us a good feeling for the location, but we'll be more involved as we'll move with the MC through the scene.
ReplyDeleteYes - I like the third line quite a bit, although I agree with Holly to choose either the kneel or the jar on the knees, it can't be both. I'm intrigued though, I have a good visual and a tone is set.
ReplyDeleteI like it, and can forgive the discrepancy over the knees (makes me wonder if the mc is sitting on his/her calves, which is sort-of kneeling and would allow a clay jar to perch on top of the knees, or thighs). I like the primitve world building so far, which is grabbing my attention.
ReplyDeleteNo. I like the first line but the second gives me too much info/detail too soon. I want to know a bit about who she is, why she's so thirsty before I want to know about silt deposits.
ReplyDeleteYes...but I think you have too much here. If you just took out the second sentence (which is sort of repetitive) I think that would solve the issue for me.
ReplyDeleteYes for me, bc I'm a reader that likes immediate setting info. I'd ditch that second sentence, tho, it's unnecessary.
ReplyDeleteNo. Yes. No. Bah. Maybe. Darn it. I loved the first line, but it led me to believe this was something totally different than it appears to be. Sulfur makes me think of demons and hell, brimstone. I was expecting someone on an expedition of some sort into hell. I guess I'm just disappointed that I was wrong. I do like the way you've shown us that there is a devastating drought happening without saying it, although I'd rather have those details later.
ReplyDeleteYes, but I'm not sure why.I think because it's kinda pretty, and your description draws me in. I would want to know more.
ReplyDelete