TITLE: Adventures With Auntie Mischief
GENRE: MG Contemporary Fantasy
Jonah took the carrot stick out of his mouth and jabbed his brother. Most six years olds would have made a face or gone crying to their mother. Brandon didn’t move except to wipe the drool on the back of his hand off on his pant leg, cool as ever. Still, Jonah hated being ignored.
“Hey,” Jonah said, raising the same drool laden carrot stick and holding it inches away from his brother’s face.
Brandon’s attention never wavered except to jut his chin, gesturing at a spot across the room.
Auntie Mischief had arrived.
Their aunt was a mystery they couldn’t quite figure out. Perhaps it was because they didn’t see her as often as their other relatives. Perhaps it was because no matter how much time passed between visits, it was like no time had passed at all. Perhaps it was because no matter how ordinary an activity, when she was around, something strange always seemed to happen, so much so in fact, that they had begun to call their aunt Michelle, Auntie Mischief.
Now their mother and Auntie Mischief stood, heads close together, lips barely moving, faces pinched into frowns, looking like they were waist deep in conversation.
“Something’s up,” Brandon said.
Jonah shrugged. In truth, he always seemed to know when a secretive conversation was going on, one that would be worth listening to at any rate. It made the roof of his mouth itch horribly.
Hooked at the title. Auntie Mischief-- love it. My only qualm is that after you introduce her, you tell us more than you show. I'd like to see this quirky lady more, rather than hear about her.
ReplyDeleteStill, I'd read on! :)
This has an interesting "Amelia Bedelia" meets "Nanny McPhee" feel to it. I have one nit-pick, and that is I think you should introduce her as Aunt Michelle, and then in your fourth paragraph give us the "Auntie Mischief" name. Other than that, I'm intrigued!
ReplyDeleteYou started off with some trouble between the two siblings, but then we don't ever find out what it's about. That rather disappointed me.
ReplyDeleteI like the Auntie Mischief idea, and I hope it's a setup for some great fun - that's the impression, anyway. And something is obviously up that isn't probably going to be pleasant for the boys, which is a good thing.
I'm not too sure about the phrase "waist deep" doesn't sound too MG to me, but I could, of course, be wrong.
Overall, nice job.
I think the mischief idea sounds good. The thing that kind of tripped me up Brandon being six. I don't get the idea of him being that age. I'm guessing he's really smart for his age or something like that?
ReplyDeleteSeems interesting. Your writing is really good!
ReplyDeleteLove what you're setting up here! I agree with the above comment about introducing her as Aunt Michelle, then revealing why she's Auntie Mischief further down. Otherwise, LOVED IT.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued. Does Jonah have magical ears? Very good picture painted :)
ReplyDeleteThis is cute. I would read on to find out more about the mischief that is in store. Brandon seems older than six to me. If fact, if you hadn't mentioned his age, I would assume he was the older brother. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI love them. Reminds me of my own kids. Great job. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely read on. Cute voice and I want to know why his mouth itches!
ReplyDeleteI do think the sentences are long and could be edited shorter.
Good luck!
Interesting. I love the name Auntie Mischief, it instantly made me want to know why she is called that and that's exactly how you want to hook your reader. (I don't think you have to call her Aunt Michelle first, Mischief is pretty clearly a nickname and your reader will get that.)
ReplyDeleteA few details I found awkward: The drool. Would the carrot really be "drool laden" from being in his mouth? And in the last paragraph, you are suggesting Jonah always seems to know when a "secretive conversation" was going on but he didn't seem to know here. Brandon had to point it out. Or did he already know? It's unclear.
Still, good start, I'd read on if there was more here.
I think this is an awesome start. I like the idea of a mysterious relative and the way it's presented here, I want to know more about this family.
ReplyDelete