TITLE: Drego's Sword
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Drego didn’t look back as he headed down the dirt road, small pack slung over one shoulder and heavy sword strapped to his back. He knew if he looked, he’d lose his resolve. And he had too many questions to allow that to happen. He could feel his coastal home town of Karo dropping further and further behind him, pink dawn light blossoming across the sky. The thick forest ahead was waking up with the sounds of birds and insects.
He felt doubt prod at the edges of his mind, but he shoved it away. Too much had happened yesterday to be ignored. First he had been given his own sword, then he’d found a sapphire on the coast, and then that woman – Laurina – had visited him in the middle of the night and told him that he had to leave. That he had an important future.
He shook his head with a half-smile. He figured he was about as normal as a fifteen-year-old could get. Granted, he had just turned fifteen yesterday, but he already felt older. Which was odd in and of itself. It seemed no one ever felt older right after their birthday.
A warm breeze blew his thick blonde hair, his brown eyes adjusting to the increasing light. Drego was of average height and build, but perhaps more fit than others his age. He knew that was due to the hours spent sparring with his uncle, Tandem. He let a sigh escape his lips.
I like the sense of place you get in the first paragraph. It's the sort of pull I really like with fantasy-- a sense of concrete place that immediately yanks you into the world.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph interesting, but a little abrupt. I assume it's elaborated on later, and I'm definitely curious to know more but I'm very curious how that scene went down. It could be an interesting starting point as well.
You set a great scene, but I feel kind of disconnected from your character because I'm not getting as much feeling from him. I bet I do later on though! That's the trouble with only 250 words. I get the feeling after the last line that your character really opens up to the reader. Would definitely read more!
ReplyDeleteTighten your first paragraph and you've set us up perfectly to walk with Drego. Pack all you can into maybe only three sentences.
ReplyDeleteI'm still walking with him as he considers what has set him on his journey, but why does he have to LEAVE for his 'important future'? Hint at the necessity of leaving. While it is nice, I'm not sure we need to have all physical description which seems 'forced' here. Let that come as the story unfolds. We're with you, we'll 'see' him soon enough.
I'd like to read more.
You provide beautiful imagery and a nice tone.
ReplyDeleteOne small suggestion: "pink dawn light" didn't flow for me. I'd suggest light of dawn or pink sky. Just a thought.
Good luck!
Good first paragraph but I thought the second one felt too much like a list. Spread it out and skip the physical description for now. Let the details come in pieces as we learn more about him.
ReplyDeleteThis probably wouldn’t be for me but it is so hard to tell off 250 words. As it is, it doesn’t stand out above all the other fantasy out there. If you started with action, we might be able to tell more about Drego and what makes his story exceptional.