TITLE: Three Days of Rain
GENRE: Adult Upmarket Commercial
He pulled into the parking lot, turned off the ignition, dropped his head to the steering wheel and tried to will Madison out of his head. He wasn’t sure how much more remembering he could take. When she left him broken in the hospital two years ago, she’d taken every dream, every hope, every future Jake had planned.
He knew it had been too long for him to still be too shattered to mend but it was easier walking through life with ghosts than facing reality. He knew waiting two years for Madison to come back just so he could confront her was tragic and sad. But still, there he sat; trying to convince himself she’d come back, just as he had everyday since she left. And when he’d finally shook himself free for the time being, he climbed out of his pickup, threw his baseball hat on the seat and walked across the graveled lot, wet with early summer rain, and opened the door.
As he walked in, Jake searched the tables with tired eyes for her familiar face, just as he did every day. The same familiar face that haunted him for two years; a face that burned in his memory with a mix of emotion. Of course, she wasn’t there and she probably would never come back. Not that he knew what he’d say to her if she did. Even so, everyone around him feared Jake would wait for her with the forgiveness she didn’t deserve.
I'm intrigued by the male MC. However, I wish you would have started with either the confrontation or the disppointment of not being able to confront her. As it is, it took too long to get there. I think if you start with the action you can bring in the history as it unfolds.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
You do a good job getting his despair/desperation across.
ReplyDeleteYour first paragraph doesn't hook me though. I would start with the second half of the line in the 2nd paragraph, revising it in some way to fit, of course.
"but it was easier walking through life with ghosts than facing reality."
I think that would be a great hook.
Good luck.
I started off wanting more and then it waned. The 2nd paragraph is wordy and the last sentence reads a bit clunky. Fine tune that and I think this could be good. I'm already mad at Madison, haha!
ReplyDeleteLove this line: "it was easier walking through life with ghosts than facing reality" because you definitely touch on the MC's brush with sadness.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was a bit more action in the first 250, but I get enough to be hooked. I would definitely read on!
This feels to me more like something from the middle of a book than from the beginning. Love the bit about ghosts, but the first part of that line feels like there are too many too's - that kind of repetition can work (and I'm guilty of doing it too often myself) but it misses the mark here (for me, anyway).
ReplyDeleteIt's a nice set up to introducing your MC. I have a good idea of what he's going through.
ReplyDeleteI was confused about this: "And when he’d finally shook himself free for the time being"
And then in the next paragraph he's looking for her like he didn't shake himself free. That threw me off a bit.
Good luck with it!
Like Suzi and others, I don't think your first line is a strong hook. Starting with the ghost line is better.
ReplyDeleteI would like the story and him better if he put his head on the steering wheel and cried. Make him show his emotion, not just report it.
He wasn’t sure how much more remembering he could take. This makes him look weak. Maybe he bangs the steering and vows to stop thinking about her and how she left him broken... Explain what you mean. Did he have broken bones? Something else?
What were his hopes and dreams? Be specific. Did they ever discuss them or were they just his?
The following sentence is way too long and a bit confusing and starts with a conjunction. Maybe make it two sentences, but I applaud your description. Make sure it's clear the lot is wet not him.
As he walked in, Where did he walk in?
The tables have tired eyes? Clarify this.
You write a lot about her face, but you don't describe it or her. Does he miss her blue eyes and how they...whatever they did to him. Maybe he misses the taste of her lips and...let us feel how he misses this woman and why. Was she a positive force in his life or the only woman he could get? Or somewhere in between? Take us inside his mind so we can see what makes him tick...
Just some ideas...
Good luck! I love seeing a male MC.
I felt like I understood in the first paragraph what the main character was faced with. You could move on to a scene and get the story started after that.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I'd read on, it just isn't for me. Sorry.
I liked the concrete details in the first sentence of par. 1, the last sentence of par. 2, and most of par. 3, but I would omit (for now) providing so much back story as seen in sentences 2-5 as I think you give away too much too soon. Let the reader wonder more about why the protagonist feels as he does.
ReplyDeleteEven with characters in despair, the reader wants to have some kind of hope. Jake's despair is plain in the first paragraph. Unless its critical to the story, the second paragraph is too much 'backstory' and drags us into a'get over it' attitude with Jake. Keep us with Jake in the here and now. We see where he's at, now help us move forward to see where he's going, revenge, redemption, moving on- hopefully not continuing to stew in his sorrows.
ReplyDeleteNot sure if this is my cup of tea.