TITLE: The River of Gold
GENRE: Middle Grade Adventure
The small plane yawed toward the setting sun as we droned along above the jagged snow-capped peaks. Nothing had prepared me for the sheer size of the landscape below. Purple and white mountains stretched on either side of us as far as I could see. Huge glaciers like glass rivers wound down into the shadowy valleys. “It’s all so big,” I said.
“Yes,” Dirk said. “Alaska is a huge place. Easy for a man to get lost and never be seen again.”
Beside me, my dog Sparky stood on my lap with his front paws on the window. He whined and then licked my nose. “I think Sparky needs to go,” I said.
“Once we get to Fairbanks, we’ll just have time to get our things together and get to the boarding house before dark,” Dirk said, “but I’m sure we can let a small dog make a stop.”
Dirk Armstrong, my uncle, is a famous anthropologist. Besides teaching at New York University, he travels all over the world studying different peoples and cultures. Last week, Uncle Dirk called to let me know he was joining a huge expedition in Alaska. “We’ll be at the Yukon River,” he said. “I’ll be studying an Inuit village and some other men will be going along to study the wildlife and geology. I’d like you to come along, Brock. And of course you can bring Sparky.”
“I don’t know,” I said. Dodging polar bears and sleeping in igloos in the frozen north didn’t sound like much fun.
I got hung up on the first sentence. It seemed a bit awkward. However, I liked the descriptions in the rest of the paragraph--especially "huge glaciers like glass rivers..."
ReplyDeleteAlso, the name Brock completely caught me off guard. Not in a bad way, but I wasn't expecting it.
Your descriptions in the first part are lovely, but they read a little old for middle grade to me, especially with the word 'yawed'. I'm not against using vocab with MG, except that having a word in your first sentence that most MG's don't know might be a turn off for your readers, and might make the MC seem unrelatable to them. Having said that, the following paragraphs read as more of a typical MG-age kid. I thought the action in your piece moved along nicely up until we get to the telling paragraph where the uncle and setting are explained ("Dirk Armstrong, my uncle..."). We're told the who, what, where, and why. Maybe consider a way to weave that into the story a little more naturally. All in all, I can feel some great potential in this story. Nice work :)
ReplyDeleteThis interested me.
ReplyDeleteSuggest you take out "above the jagged snow-capped peaks" as this is covered later.
Take out "beside me" in para 3 as the dog is standing on his lap
Take out, "Dirk . . .cultures" in the next-to-last paragraph.
Good stuff.
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ReplyDeleteMaybe the first two lines could combine for something like this:
ReplyDeleteNothing had prepared me for the sheer size of the landscape below - jagged snow-capped peaks reached almost as far up as our small plane soaring overhead.
Just a guess. I think focusing on the character first and his reaction helps attach the reader, esp in middle grade.
The beginning is strong, but I question the use of "yawed" in a MG book. I doubt the narrator would choose that word. The writing is tight until it becomes obvious you're trying to force description into the narrative. The uncle doesn't need to call Sparky "a small dog." It's not believable. Something more along the lines of "but I think we can find some time for Sparky" or something to that effect. The last two paragraphs need reworked. The story crashes to a halt while the reader learns who the uncle is. It pulls us right out of the scene you've just painted for us. The final paragraph, I'm unsure if that's taking place in the plane or if that's the conversation with the uncle about going to Alaska in the first place. A MG reader is going to be more interested in the adventure than the conversation last week. Engage the reader and keep them focused. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteWatch some of the word choice because the words don't really read MG. Not that some middle graders don't use them though. I've taught late elementary (some of those kids have huge vocabs).
ReplyDeleteLove the internalization of your MC though! I would read on. :)
I thought this was a good beginning because - like the landscape described - the potential for adventure seems almost limitless. I liked the inclusion of the little dog - it somehow humanized the MC for me. I have no problem with the vocabulary. I teach Middle School kids and they are not the yawping monosyllabic idiots that people seem to think they are. Some of them do read and write and speak da gewd Engalish. The only criticism I have is with the last line - when he says it "didn't sound like much fun" I had to laugh. Tell me what about that - dodging polar bears and sleeping in igloos - wouldn't sound like the best kind of fun to a young boy?
ReplyDeleteI like a good adventure story. I agree with the previous comments, that the info dump in Para 5 brings the tome down with a thud. I think that the kid's negative attitiude about what was in store for him also ground the narrative to a halt.
ReplyDeleteIf he didn't want to be there, why should the reader, too? Maybe something along the lines of the wildlife in Alaska being awesome, but not sure what he'd do if he came face to face with a polar bear or something, might entice the reader and keep the character sympathetic.
You have a good beginning but should get rid of the long paragraph near the end and show this information. Also, the last sentence through me off. Wouldn't this adventure be every boy's dream?
ReplyDeleteIt seems to be a pure adventure story (like Tin Tin). Refreshing but probably not for me.
You have a good beginning but should get rid of the long paragraph near the end and show this information. Also, the last sentence through me off. Wouldn't this adventure be every boy's dream?
ReplyDeleteIt seems to be a pure adventure story (like Tin Tin). Refreshing but probably not for me.