TITLE: Chasing Wilde
GENRE: Women's Fiction
Blonde tendrils circle her face giving the appearance she wrapped her hair around wine corks and left it to dry. She’s wearing the pink tweed suit she wore to my college graduation and the scent of must fills my nose. She’s stuck in front of the mirror in my foyer, mesmerized by her appearance.
“How do I look?”
I glance at my watch. “Beautiful, gorgeous. I’m sure they’ll get some good pictures.” She steps up to the mirror and her nose almost touches the glass. “I’m pretty sure they do your makeup there, you know,” I offer.
She pulls her skin, stretching her lips out like the Joker. A lifetime has passed when she finally backs away. “Are they experienced? You know, Hilda went to beauty school…” Her expression turns, like she’s remembering something unpleasant. “I miss having a personal assistant.”
“I miss that for you too, but we need to get going.”
Her sigh is deep and heavy. “You know how things are. I need a good photo for my business cards. No one is going to hire a sixty-year-old real estate agent with no experience and a bad headshot.”
I know Mom’s anxious about her venture into employment, but a photo shoot at Glamour Shots is only going to do so much. The fact she spent her inheritance from Dad, moved in with me, and has to find her first job when most people are retiring is the real problem. Mom’s now paying for a life of delusion.
You have good descriptions here, and it really feels like an authentic scene between a mother and daughter, but I can't say I'm hooked. I'm not really sure where this is going - if it's a comedy or a drama, for instance. (I know the 250 words are supposed to stand alone, but this is where the back of the book blurb would help!)
ReplyDeleteThere's hint of conflict between mother and child. At first I thought it was the husband narrating, until I read the last paragraph. Now I'm not sure whether it is her son or her daughter narrating. I saw some redundancy and opportunities to tighten the passage. For instance, change this:
ReplyDelete"You know how things are. I need a good photo for my business cards. No one is going to hire a sixty-year-old real estate agent with no experience and a bad headshot.”
To this: "No one is going to hire a sixty-year-old real estate agent with no experience and a bad headshot.”
I think there's a typo in the beginning - "scent of must" should be "scent of musk" right?
You've ended the passage on a hook. I want to know about the delusion, how her husband died, etc.
I had the thought at first that this conversation was between two people romantically involved--until the end at least. And I figured it was a woman narrating, but I can't be sure either.
ReplyDeleteI do feel the tension between the narrator and the mother though, I'm just wondering who exactly the narrator is.
Like TL, my first thought was 'it should be scent of musk', but then I got the idea that must is appropriate given the context. The suit has been mothballed for a while.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little unclear about who the characters are at this point, but I would continue reading further to find out.
I like it--a lot. I would definitely keep reading, but I wasn't in love with the first graf. I felt that "How do I look?" invited me into the story. I had a little trouble with the wine corks imagery, but then I thought, "maybe she's a drunk, and the wine corks are important?" Regardless, I want to know more.
ReplyDeleteWhile it is clear there could be an interesting story (the last two lines were just beginning to hook me) the opening scene overall just didn’t grab me. I had to go back and re-read to understand the opening description and figure out what was going on and that pulled me out of the story.
ReplyDeleteI also didn’t know if I should feel sorry for the mother or sorry for the daughter for having her mother move in with her. Both? Neither?
I'd start with "How do I look?" then rework the scene to flow better so your reader gets to those last two lines smoothly.