TITLE: Waterstone
GENRE: Adult Literary
He had been gone this time for two months when she found him by accident. She had been out ranging the woods and lowlands, checking her traps, when she spotted the Turkey Buzzards. Curious, she followed their spirals earthward till her eyes rested on a white shape where no white should be. Pa. For some reason he had cut through the bog—or maybe for no reason. Why would a water witch bother with marshland? Drunk, maybe.
From a distance, Mattie detached the feeling part of herself to study the scene. The winter drought had shrunk the beaver pond to half, leaving a shore of canes and tussocks and solid-looking muck. She shook her head to concentrate. This was her cue to act. But she couldn’t move. A chill ran down her spine to her feet, freezing them in place. While in life, Pa had looked eerie enough, almost a spectre—blond-white hair hanging limply down his back; skin almost albino, except below the hat brim where the sun had burned his jaw pink; eyes so pale a blue, you’d think they were white as well. Now, he had become a horror.
A breeze carried across his stench. Mattie felt the bile surging from her gut. She gagged and covered her mouth just in time. The idea of touching him…it wrenched her stomach again. This time the liquid rose with such force, she couldn’t stop it. Afterwards, her muscles contracted like bellows until her belly ached.
Sent shivers down my spine. Amazing job!
ReplyDeleteThis is good! I do want to know what a "water witch" is because the term makes me think more adult paranormal that literary.
ReplyDeleteWater witch confused me.I didn't get the meaning. It also made me think paranormal and I thought she was referring to her dad but witch is female. But other than that, it all worked well- great descriptions though the eerie description of her dad also gave me a paranormal feel.
ReplyDeleteWater witch I'd say is used for Pa. I'm not sure what it is, either, but it's clear to me that he is - was - the water witch.
ReplyDeleteGreat descriptions and a really interesting start. I'd read on.
Intriguing and creepy...I would definitely keep reading. The opening sentence feels awkward and perhaps too ambiguous with the pronouns and "this time by accident". Perhaps rework the first sentence or dive right into her checking the traps. I also wondered about the water witch, but it made me want to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI love the eerie description of Pa. Good luck with this!
I really liked it, good imagery. The "water witch" part confused me too.
ReplyDeleteThis is my excerpt. Hope it's OK to comment on comments. I just wanted to add that a "water witch" is a water dowser or diviner. I just liked the term better.
ReplyDeleteI've had a hard time getting the system to "take" my note, so I sure hope this is the only time it's posted!
No prob! Thanks for the explanation.
ReplyDeleteI love the flavor here then! No worries, girl. We only want to help. :)
Creepy! So many interesting questions here. How many times has he done this before? Does he die each time? Is this a paranormal book?
ReplyDeleteYou’ve done a good job grabbing my attention.
Very interesting and creepy. I wish I could read more!
ReplyDeleteWow! You've grabbed me. The indifference of the narrator when she finds her father, apparently dead, immediately brings questions to mind. The whole scene is interesting and her reaction to the smell is nicely done in a 'delicate' manner.
ReplyDeleteWhile I haven't read a lot of Adult Literary, this has more of a feeling of paranormal or mystery than Literary.
I'd definitely read more!
Just a quick afterthought- you might try this scene from a 1st Person POV and see if it is more powerful/ more personal- it almost seems like that anyway.