Thursday, February 23, 2012

First Line Grabber #2

TITLE: Into Darkness Peering
GENRE: YA Thriller

"Hush, we don't want her to wake wrong."

61 comments:

  1. No
    I didn't understand what wake wrong meant. It is confusing and sounds incorrect just in execution.

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  2. Yes. I'm intrigued. Worried about starting a story with "waking up" but this is an interesting twist.

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  3. No.

    I'm not a fan of opening with lines of dialogue that give no indication who is speaking.

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  4. Yes

    I normally don't like stories that start with people waking up but I'd read on to find out what "wrong" meant in context.

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  5. Yes, it makes me want to read more - if only to find out who they're waking and what will happen if she 'wakes wrong'.

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  6. No.

    "wake wrong" is awkward. Wake up wrong? On the wrong side of the bed? In the wrong position? It sounds weird and reads weird. For me.

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  7. No. The wording "wake wrong" feels awkward and though it might be perfectly fitting for the speaker, since I don't know the speaker yet, it's a bit off-putting.

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  8. Yes, who is she, and how would you wake up wrong?

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  9. No, the words didn't flow together very well. A couple of them were like a tongue twister 'wake wrong'

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  10. YES. I want to know why? what would happen if she woke wrong? I'm intrigued.

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  11. No.

    You had me until the "wrong" at the end. Not sure if it's a southern accent thing, or if that's meant to be "wrongly" (it's so hard to tell with just one sentence!) but it comes across as sloppy rather than purposeful and that might turn a reader off before they find out why it was said that way.

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  12. No. I don't know who's talking, who they're talking about, and why I should care.

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  13. No. "wake wrong" sounded odd to me.

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  14. No

    The sentence, in particular the phrase "wake wrong" is awkward.

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  15. No. Wake wrong is awkward. A slight rephrase of that idea would probably pull it together better.

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  16. No.

    Sorry but I find it very hard to get into dialogue in the first line. I don't know who is talking or who/what this is about so I end up having to re-read it once I do.

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  17. Yes. Normally I'm not a big fan of starting with dialogue, but in this case it works. I'm intrigued, and I sort of have this sense of the words being whispered.

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  18. Yes. This is the exception to the rule (for me) and the dialog is intriguing enough that I'd want to know the difference between waking someone wrong and waking them right. It turns something that would've been a No ("we don't want to wake her") on it's head and makes it interesting.

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  19. No. I don't mind dialogue in the first line but this reads stilted, and like others have said, "wake wrong" is a particularly odd turn of phrase.

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  20. No. While dialogue is okay for the first line, this didn't really work for me. It felt too ordinary, like there wasn't purpose behind this being the first line. If you're going to open with dialogue, you need to make it something very unique or interesting.

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  21. No

    Dialogue as a first line is hard, but "wake wrong" makes me stumble.

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  22. Yes. Of course "wake wrong" is an odd way of saying what is meant--it's dialogue and that's the voice of that character. I love that about the line. Also, I'm intrigued, so I'll say yes.

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  23. Yes. I am intrigued and want to know what will happen if she wakes wrong. What does that mean? I'd read on.

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  24. No. I don't know who is speaking, wake wrong sounds odd.

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  25. No.

    I normally don't have a problem opening with dialog if it's done well, but this sentence didn't work for me. It provided intrigue, yes, but not enough information to anchor me in the scene. All it tells me is that more than one person is waking a female and are concerned about how she might wake. It's important to get the reader to question something in your first line and read on to find the answer, but sometimes the question is too vague. The question I want answered shouldn't be "what's 'waking her wrong'"; it should be "what will happen if they do?"

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  26. No.
    Didn't quite connect with anything.

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  27. No. I don't understand how someone can "wake wrong" - I'm already confused :(

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  28. No, might be a good second sentence, but needs something to lead up to it so we know who she is - a baby, an old lady, a tiger?

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  29. Yes- immediate tension

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  30. Yes.
    This could go so many places, but all of them interesting. It gives a sense of voice and pulls me in.

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  31. Yes, with a slight hesitation.

    I loved "wake wrong" and am curious to find out what it means.

    I hate that the word "hush" was spoken out-loud. I've never heard anyone actually say that.

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  32. Yes, but barely. "Wake wrong" is *just* intriguing enough for me to read on.

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  33. No. "wake wrong"? Confuses me rather than intrigues. I'm not a fan of starting with dialogue, either.

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  34. This really grabbed me. Would like to know what 'wake wrong' means and why it matters. I'm also curious who the speaker is talking to and about.

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  35. No. After I thought about it for a bit, I found the idea interesting. But I had to think about it. So if this was all I had to make a decision, I'd move on to something else.

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  36. NO. I have to read this twice to realize that I didn't read it wrong. It really is written that say. If the person speaking is interesting, put that tag at the end. If not, try to re-write the dialogue. This has potential, it just needs to be refined.
    ~Sarah F.

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  37. No, I don't understand the wording.

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  38. Yes.

    I want to know how you wake someone wrong, and what happens if you do!

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  39. This one really grabbed me. I want to know what 'waking wrong' means and why it matters. Also, I'm curious who the speaker's talking to, and about.

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  40. Yes. 'Wake wrong' would carry my interest enough to see if that is just dialogue, or if there is a reason to be concerned someone might do it.

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  41. No. Dialogue rarely grabs me in a first sentence - I don't know who's talking, and usually I don't care. However, I am intrigued with "wake wrong," and what that means.

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  42. No. I was intrigued, until the "wake wrong" part. I must confess that I am not certain what that is supposed to mean, which makes me pause.

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  43. No. It asks plenty of questions, but not ones that hook. I want to know who is speaking and who they're speaking about. Did they just come across a sleep walker, an unconscious person, someone likely to turn into a werewolf if woken suddenly? I bet it works a lot better with the second line attached, but on its own, it's a no. I'm sorry.

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  44. Hrm. I'm leaning towards "no".
    I think I would need to read the next couple of sentences to decide whether it's going to be interesting for me. It doesn't grab me straight away, but that's where having the next sentences could help - it could pull me in more, but they would have to really get my interest. I think I'd prefer something snappier for a first line, and there aren't enough interesting things going on in this sentence.

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  45. Yes. There was an strong enough element of "hmmmm" in the "wake wrong" entry that I would consider a next line.

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  46. Yes. I'm intrigued and like the voice.

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  47. No. I have no idea what "wake wrong" means. Plus the two words together are not very rhythmic.

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  48. Yes. I need to find out what 'wake wrong' means.

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  49. Yes! This reminded me of when my mother used to wake me as a child. I was definitely NOT a morning person!

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  50. Yes, because I'm intrigued by the idea of waking wrong. But I do think this could be smoothed out a bit as others have mentioned.

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  51. Not sure. I don't get 'waking wrong' as written, but if it's something that's possible, I do want to know how you'd do it.

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  52. Yes, there is tension and conflict.

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  53. Yes. "Wake wrong" sounds awkward to me, but I'd read on.

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  54. Yes. Some have said "wake wrong" is awkward. I think it's interesting and intriguing and may simply be the character's way of speaking.

    I'm not a fan of "waking up" at the beginning of a story, but this is a bit of a mysterious twist. What does it mean to wake wrong? do tell!

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  55. Yes. I'm also puzzled by "wake wrong" but I assume there's a reason for it. The genre says thriller but I'm thinking maybe it includes paranormal elements? If the follow up supported the statement with context it can work. I'd keep reading.

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  56. Yes.

    There's enough mystery here for me to want to know more. Onward!

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  57. Yes. A sense of mystery abounds - who is the waker? who is the sleeper?

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  58. Yes. The voice is strong--jumps right out and grabs me. I love the word "wrong" at the end-- it's obvious it's a southern voice when you start with the word "hush". It can be tricky to start a novel with dialogue, but you totally pulled it off.

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  59. Yes. "Wake wrong" is what made me say "ooh!". But if you make it to the next round, I hope the next sentence will tell us who is speaking.

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