Thursday, February 23, 2012

First Line Grabber #23

TITLE: Gallop
GENRE: YA paranormal

Dad used to insist monsters couldn’t get me so long as one person loved me.

64 comments:

Chro said...

Yes
In so few words, the author presents danger, a loving father, and an implication that things have changed

Sara said...

Yes. At first I thought the sentence was going to end in a cliché, and then you turned it around to something lovely!

Holly Bodger said...

Yes.

I would prefer a "that" before "monsters" but otherwise, I think this is good. It's simple but it establishes a character with a problem right off the bat.

casey said...

Yes. Liked the premise and that there's a problem.

Happy Dolphin said...

Yes
Nice inclusion of a relationship while also making me wonder what the danger is.

KimberlyFDR said...

Yes

This is clear and makes me want to read more. I agree with Holly about adding "that" into the sentence.

B.E. Sanderson said...

Yes. Now I want to know if her dad was right and whether the monsters got her anyway.

Loralie Hall said...

Yes. It's got voice, it's got a sense of foreboding, and a kind of melancholy/creepy feeling.

Katherine Ernst said...

Yes. Especially since it's YA paranormal this sets a fun, but ominous, tone.

Alice said...

Yes, what monster is after this person now?

Tyson said...

Yes.

For sure a yes. Simple. To the point. And what are the monsters? Sounds good.

Alessa Hinlo said...

Yes. Conflict, danger, and the promise of the story all wrapped up in one little sentence.

mfleming said...

Yes, I don't really need to say more! I want to read on!

Jean Davis said...

Yes. Touching first line with a feeling of tension at the same time.

DK Whisman said...

Yes. People have already said it, but I can say it again. I love how this line hints at so much in so few words! When you combine that with the fact it's a YA paranormal, I'd read on for sure to see where it goes.

GSMarlene said...

Yes!
Simple, but so much said.

Jessica Negron said...

Yes.

Even though the sentence itself doesn't create conflict, it implies the conflict will be revealed. I just hope it's soon. Like...the next sentence.

Rick said...

Yes. Sentimental and original, and sets up future conflict.

Robbin said...

Yes. I agree with Holly to add: that before monsters, but I would read on. Nice!

Erin said...

Yes. The sentence sets up so many possibilities. I would read on. Like others said I would add that before monsters.

CourtneyC said...

Yes. Love this. I'm pulled right in because I want this person to have someone to love them. So, I care right away. Great job.

Liberty Speidel said...

No, gut instinct. Rereading it, I'd call it a maybe. No is because the line seems a bit odd... why wouldn't monsters be able to get him if someone loved him? I don't think monsters would care!

The maybe comes into play after reading some of the other comments. Maybe I'm missing something--like a familiarity with the genre?

A. K. Fotinos-Hoyer said...

Yes! This makes me wonder why the Dad "used to" insist - did something happen to prove him wrong? Id keep reading to find out.

Amy said...

No.

It voice sounded MG to me.

S. Kyle Davis said...

Yes. It did almost sound MG, as Amy said, but the hinting of a romantic plot puts it back in YA territory for me. Although, then it makes me worried that this is "just another YA paranormal romance" (however unfair that expectation is. So, I'll say that yes, this works, but then, you could probobly get something that works BETTER. Find an approach that highlights how your book is unique.

SMKrafty said...

Yes but just barely. I'd like to see a little more immediacy of tension by adding something like, 'boy was he wrong' or something else to bring it into the now.

skywriter said...

Yes! Compelling, with terror and tenderness combined.

The REALLY Real Curious Crow said...

Yes. Sets up a tender father-child bond right from the start and gears us up to be ready for those monsters not to be following that love theory.

RachelMaryBean said...

Yes. It does a lot in a few words. I think the implication that Dad was wrong is very clear. I don't think you need to add to that.

Karie said...

Yes. In just these few words you've shown something important about the character's relationship with his/her father. Nice.

T. Drecker said...

Yes. I'm missing a 'that' in front of monsters, too, but that doesn't kill the great build-up. I feel sorry for the person(and scared) already.

Tara said...

Yes. I'm intrigued by the concept here, and the writing is clear. Next sentence, please!

Tara said...

Although I do agree that a "that" before monsters would be an improvement.

Kelly said...

Yes. The relationship between the father and child is immediately clear and I'm worried about what monster proved Dad wrong.

Ru said...

Yes. I immediately started thinking that the narrator no longer has someone to love him/her (is the dad dead?) and was curious to find out if the monsters have now come calling.

Larissa said...

Yes. This has voice and intrigue. I want to read more. Well done.

sarahwedgbrow said...

Yes. Way to set up for disappointment, though, Dad.

DJ said...

Yes, because I think it's sweet.

JL Dannor said...

No. But I'm not particularly partial to monster stories either, so the voice was not enough to draw me in.

Heather said...

Yes.

I love simple lines that imply a lot. It seems very bittersweet. This gives me hints at a comforting father/child relationship, but the "used to" makes me wonder whether the father had died and now that the MC has no one's love, the monsters are moving in. I also wonder what kind of monsters we're dealing with, here.

The line, though, leads me to hope the MC will gain someone else's love to help combat the monsters--except the genre is YA paranormal and not paranormal romance, so I'm not sure what to expect.

Shakier Anthem said...

Yes. Really nice sense of tension set up here.

Heidi said...

I like the set up that love is safety.

Cheryl said...

Yes. I think it's sweet, although it may read as a bit too sweet for some.

Amelia Loken said...

Yes, threat (that we all can relate to) and the loophole/escape clause with the hint that a problem looms.

AG said...

Yes, it's very sweet and slightly ominous.

Wen Baragrey said...

Yes. It tells quite a lot in a very few words. She has a father who loved her, there are monsters to be afraid of, and there's the hint that something bad is most definitely about to happen.

Robin Weeks said...

Yes!!

Sounds like a cool coming-of age story, in which the MC realizes that, even when someone loves you, monsters can come anyway. I totally disagree that it sounds MG, it didn't really sound sweet to me (unless it was just the sweet before the sour) and I'm okay without the "that" before "monsters." Just saying.

Excellent sentence.

April Elizabeth said...

Yes.

I'm curious what is going to happen next. Is a monster coming? Is one person going to love her? Was her dad wrong? I get the feeling danger is coming and I like it.

Julia said...

Yes. This raises so many questions!

Beth H said...

Yes. It's making a big promise for the story right away.

Steph Su said...

Yes. It's familiar, yet different. Will draw in the audience you want. It's a good start to a paranormal story.

A.C. Turcotte said...

Yes. First and foremost, I think it's adorable. On top of that, I want to know more about the relationship between the MC and the father. I want to know if there are monsters. I'm curious, which is a great reaction to get from a reader at the beginning of a book.

mjb said...

yes. i was drawn to a sense of sadness and the use of this sadness as foreshadowing of something dire.

Nata ArtistaDonna said...

Yes. This did get my attention and I would like to read more. I agree that the word 'that' should go before the word monsters and the word 'used' makes it sound like the father is deceased or maybe missing? and not sure about the 'so long' shouldn't this be 'as long'

MPH2003 said...

Yes. I want to read more, find out why this love can save/protect the narrator and learn more about the monsters. Starts like a typical child's memory, but more. So yes because it definitely gets my attention.

A Little Push said...

Yes. It raises a lot of story questions to entice me to read on.

danika dinsmore said...

Yes, but a hesitant one. I thought it was sweet, but sounded more MG than YA. Also borderline cliche. But it was a simple and clean set up, which I liked.

macaronipants said...

No. The sentence feels a bit awkward at the end, "so long as one person loved me."

What would be more clear to me: "Dad used to insist that monsters couldn't get me as long as I was loved."

Stephanie Thornton said...

Yes. This one was great, plus I knew right off the bat it was YA without seeing the genre.

Bron said...

Yes. It shows us in very few words about the relationship between the father and daughter. The 'used to' intrigued me too. Is Dad not around anymore, or does he just not say this? And the fact the MC is mentioning this now suggests that there is a monster in the near future, especially given the genre.

HML said...

Yes. it grabs me. I like the "so long" and your voice. I want to know what kind of circumstances would have to exist for a dad to say that to their child. I see you are writing a paranormal-- so my suggestion would be to put the word "the" in there with monsters maybe? like "the monsters couldn't get me" don't know if that works with your story, but it sounds more specific, rather than the standard monsters under the bed that spring to mind... good luck!

Abbe Hoggan said...

Yes, but I'm nervous. Did something happen to Dad? Is something going to happen to him? I'd read on, but I'm already trembling.

Jennifer said...

Yes.

I like how this first sentence gives us a sense of emotion, the main character and looming conflict right away.

Lanette said...

No. It's clear and suggests that you probably have a good handle with story telling, but the line by itself didn't hook me. It's possible the first paragraph will, but the first line didn't.