Miss Snark's First Victim
Yes. Absolutely intriguing, and I'd have to know more.
YesAs above, curious enough to get more of the scene and circumstance.
Yes, just to see what happens next, but I'd hope the what feels like a depressing tone would improve shortly.
Yes, because I know what sulfur water smells like.
YES! Sulfer is most horrible. And I want to know where she is, why the water is bad, and why she is forced to drin it.
No. I don't get a sense of much here, and I'm not automatically sucked in.
Yes, just the right amount of information and voice.
Yes. This carries a lot of impact in a few short words. Why does the water smell like sulfur? why does the mc drink it anyway? Wanting to know the answers makes me want to read more.
No. This one is in the middle for me, but honestly, it just reminds me of drinking the water in Florida which doesn't really intrigue me all that much.
Yes. I want to know what's going on right away.
No.There isn't any conflict created here. I feel as if you wanted the reader to wonder why the water tastes gross, but from a reader's standpoint, the detail doesn't seem all that important.
Yes.Don't drink it!
No.I almost said Maybe but this just doesn't grab me. Maybe if you gave us a reason why he/she is willing to drink bad water or if you showed some kind of desperation by saying "I gulp it" anyway. As written, I am imagining someone sitting quietly drinking a glass of somewhat smelly water.
NoI like the set-up, but I'm left wondering how the narrator would know the taste of sulfur.
No. Maybe if there were some hint as to why they had to drink it, it would help. As it it reads like they dont care that it's bad so I don't either.
No. I don't know any context, who the character is. I do get they must be thirsty if it doesn't matter that the water tastes like sulfur, but it reminds me of what we're taught it writer books--give your character a desire at the opening of the book, even if it's just that she's thirsty. This smacks of cliché to me.
Yes. I would read on (if I was in the mood for a dystopian).
No, well, yes, well, no.Ok, I would keep reading because I want to know what's going on, but I totally agree with Holly that there is opportunity to use some stronger language that makes me "need" to know whats going on, not just that it didn't push me away.
Yes. I'd want to know why the water is sulfuric and why the character would drink it anyway.
Yes. I'm interested in what the situation is from this opener. Two nits: I think sulfur is something you'd smell rather than taste, and I'd change the word "drink" to "swallow" since I assume it is already in her mouth and she's making the choice at that point on what to do.
Yes. I'd like to know what sort of situation the MC is in which would require this measure.
No. You need to show, not tell about the water. Falls flat for me. Sorry!
Yes the situation implies extreme need
Yes. There's a sense of urgency and peril in that short sentence.
Yes. Though it's slower paced, it shows that this isn't a WANT, it's a NEED. I don't need to know why they are drinking water; they are drinking because they are thirsty. I would want to know what made them thirsty, but I assume that is coming up in the next sentences. I'd read on.
No. It gives a hint of setting but for me there's no hint of the urgency or survival need that a few other readers feel. Nasty tasting, sulphuric water isn't uncommon where I live.
Yes. I'm definitely wondering why the MC is so thirsty that s/he will drink this water. Well done!
Yes.It reminds me of drinking warm, gross water at summer camps, although I'm certain your MC is in a more dire situation! It feels intense without resorting to melodrama. I would keep reading for sure.
Yes. I want to know why someone would drink warm, nasty water. Nicely done.
Yes.I get a sense of desperation in the fact that she's willing to drink this water rather than wait for access to better. And I want to know the source of that desperation.Nitpicks.I suspect the smell of sulphur water would hit her first and that would be the point at which she'd quibble about whether to put it in her mouth. "Rotten eggs" would provide a stronger image and work for people who don't recognize the smell of sulfur. I dislike the passivity of the first half of the sentence; it takes away from the immediacy of the problem. I'd prefer something like "The warm water tastes like sulfur..." A dash of scene setting might help, too. Is it a puddle or a fountain? Does she scoop the water up in her hands or drink it from a glass? Is it clear or dirty?
Yes. It sounds like our MC is desperate, so I'd like to know how and why they are in this situation. (No one drinks sulfur water when they could just reach for an Evian unless they are desperate.)
Yes. I really want to know where this character is, and why. I already feel like the protagonist is going to be a survivor.
Yes. Because I know what sulphur water smells like, I can't imagine what would drive someone to do that, so I'd like to find out. However, I echo what others have said, that describing it slightly (eg, rotten eggs) would give greater impact.
Yes. I want to know why the MC is around water that smells of sulfer in the first place, and what would possess him/her to drink it. It makes me pretty sure the MC's life is a mess right now, and I want to know why it's a mess and how he/she is going to fix it.
Yes, I'm desperate to know this circumstance!
Yes. I want to know why she's in a situation where she'd drink something like that. I'd like to see a bit more of how she drinks it (gulps, swallows, downs, sips) because at the moment we can't tell if she's drinking it for desperation, or spite, or whatever. Still makes me want to read on, though.
Yes!Excellent details, without trying to cram them in. I'm already picturing a hell dimension and can't wait to read more!
Yes. I like the feel of desperation, and I want to know more. (I also expect a lot of spiraling out of control with a title like Entropy).
Yes. It's simple but still establishes a solid image, and it leaves me curious. Love it!
Yes! I already love her/his voice, and I am very interested in why the water tastes that way.
Yes. I like the sense of urgency implied here. I agree with the previous comments about using "rotten egg" as a better descriptor.However, I would throw the book across the room if the next line was a whine about an upmarket spa/ health resort.
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Yes. Great image, love the taste included - that's often a sense that gets left out of writing. Also curious why she'd drink yucky-tasting water.
No. Not clear enough to me what's at stake if she drinks it.
No.Not very exciting for me, it didn't really give me much reason to read on.
Yes. Bad water and thirsty protag indicate that I'm about to be plunged into the middle of a story.
No. Not clear to me either.
No. There isn't enough intrigue for me to want to read on.
No. This fell flat for me. It may work as a second line or next paragraph opener. I want to be pulled into a story and learn something about a character like how they feel or what they think of whatever's happening.
Yes. It's short and simple and leads me to want to know who and why.
Yes. Just enough to get me interested, I'd read on.
No. I can see that with a few more lines to provide context, this could be a good beginning, but just on its own it doesn't grab me.
Yes.I want to know what desperate situation the MC is in. I'm imagining lost in the desert or a battle for survival, maybe of a dystopian sort.
Yes. Sulfur smells like rotten eggs, so warm sulfur water = ick. I get that the protag is in a bad situation, and thirsty, and we're about find out why.